Venting I want to CTB but theres a part of me that imagines failing

[GreenGlassDoor]

I want to die and have attempted CTB multiple times; but every time i think about CTB theres a part of me that imagines throwing up the pills id OD on or getting found before i die.

Almost every night i think about CTB and imagine how i'd do it, but then i also imagine getting found out and rushed to the hostpital or otherwise failing. I then have to remind myself thats not the outcome i want.

My first thought is to live but my second is to die. 1st order and 2nd order desires -if i understand correctly- dictate that my real desire is to die, but then why do i keep thinking this?
I want to die, i want to die with all of my soul, but theres that annoying little voice in the back of my head. The voice that gets me to wake up in the morning.And i fucking hate it.

Dying seems so easy yet hard at the same time. Its easy for people in car crashes, burning buildings, and gun incidents; but its so hard for me and everyone else who wants to CTB. Its so unfair. I wish i could replace everyone who was taken before their time and replace them with someone who is ready

I would put this post in recovery but i dont want to recover, i just want to fix whatever broken part of me is still attached to my meaningless life, is still making me suffer. And before i get all the comments of how i should choose life; I d o n t w a n t t o. The pain of living far outweighs the joy, but my body is unconvinced. I wish it was easy.

Thanks for reading my ramble, i hope everyone has a good day/night.

 

[SOU_P]

I want to die and have attempted CTB multiple times; but every time i think about CTB theres a part of me that imagines throwing up the pills id OD on or getting found before i die.

Almost every night i think about CTB and imagine how i'd do it, but then i also imagine getting found out and rushed to the hostpital or otherwise failing. I then have to remind myself thats not the outcome i want.

My first thought is to live but my second is to die. 1st order and 2nd order desires -if i understand correctly- dictate that my real desire is to die, but then why do i keep thinking this?
I want to die, i want to die with all of my soul, but theres that annoying little voice in the back of my head. The voice that gets me to wake up in the morning.And i fucking hate it.

Dying seems so easy yet hard at the same time. Its easy for people in car crashes, burning buildings, and gun incidents; but its so hard for me and everyone else who wants to CTB. Its so unfair. I wish i could replace everyone who was taken before their time and replace them with someone who is ready

I would put this post in recovery but i dont want to recover, i just want to fix whatever broken part of me is still attached to my meaningless life, is still making me suffer. And before i get all the comments of how i should choose life; I d o n t w a n t t o. The pain of living far outweighs the joy, but my body is unconvinced. I wish it was easy.

Thanks for reading my ramble, i hope everyone has a good day/night.

OHH I GET THIS SO FUCKIN MUCH, was thinkin i was insane! it really takes one hell of a spiral to end up tryin to do it. i once nearly did (was boutta go out n jump into a river that has a low-head dam, otherwise known as a drowning machine), but i sent a message to me brother while he was off work (which i didn't realize), he told me mum, who put me on the phone with him n i was convinced to keep goin :,)
the main thing that got me that close was a mix of derealization/disassociation, lots of triggers, and the means and a plan to do it. also, don't sh while wantin to ctb, the endorphins it releases can sometimes prevent ye from doin it-
if ye downright don't want to die in the moment, though, thought-engaging activities like video games, video essays, writing, and music makin help with that! they can drown out the urges :D
gardening can also give ye a reason to go on, if ye don't want to ctb n are in, say, a home depot or plant nursery. the little guys really are dependent on ye!
have a great day, matey!

 

[etherealspring]

i understand what u mean, im feeling the exact same way. it rlly does suck

 

[Ambivalent1]

Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.

I won't fail. Jumping from known suicide spots is guaranteed death. Scary method though. And getting to the point where I won't regret going over the railing is the tricky part since I always adapt to my shit circumstances. I want to feel peace that surpasses all understanding as I fall toward the obliteration of my broken brain.