D
dumed1
Member
- Jun 25, 2024
- 21
The problem with suicide is that your situation must be so terrible that even death feels like a better option. That's the only way to overcome SI. Otherwise, you'll stop yourself at the last moment, and rightly so. (I'm assuming enough maturity to understand that death is permanent - lots of kids CTB because of temporary problems without fully comprehending what they are doing, I'm not talking about them.)
Suicidal ideation can be a coping mechanism, as a fantasy to escape intractable problems. But unless your pain really is so great that death is preferable, it's just idle thoughts, and distressing ones at that. Not recommended (of course, I can't stop myself from doing it either).
The problem is then that all this focus on a peaceful form of death seems pointless. No death can really be peaceful if in order to successfully die, your pain must be greater than the pain of death.
In the past, I was very concerned about dying peacefully, because I didn't really want to die. Now that my pain has increased significantly, I don't think I care as much, as long as death is guaranteed.
But it also feels horrible that my last experiences of life will be unbearable pain. Ideally I'd want to die in a more pleasant environment. But if I am capable of experiencing pleasure or even the absence of pain, then CTB seems to be the wrong decision. Maybe this is why bipolar people often CTB in the manic phase as their mood degrades towards the depressed phase.
Right now, I've only been experiencing pain for a week straight. That's not long enough to CTB. Maybe it will get better - it often does. But if it doesn't, and I stay in pain for a month, for a year... At that point, I will have forgotten that I ever enjoyed life. And that's maybe the only time that CTB would be justified. It's horrible to imagine how terrible my life must get for me to legitimately want to die.
Maybe there's an alternative? I can wait for my condition to stabilize, and once I figure out what my life will be like, I can make an informed, unemotional decision to end my life or not. But how can CTB not be emotional??? At the very end, it's just you and your SI, and overcoming that is emotionally incredibly difficult.
This is why I wish that I had died due to a freak accident, instead of slowly becoming disabled and in pain. It really feels like I'm living in hell, experiencing the worst possible feeling in the world, to feel like taking my own life is the only way out. Having life circumstances force you to make that choice is worse than death, in my opinion.
What do you think?
Suicidal ideation can be a coping mechanism, as a fantasy to escape intractable problems. But unless your pain really is so great that death is preferable, it's just idle thoughts, and distressing ones at that. Not recommended (of course, I can't stop myself from doing it either).
The problem is then that all this focus on a peaceful form of death seems pointless. No death can really be peaceful if in order to successfully die, your pain must be greater than the pain of death.
In the past, I was very concerned about dying peacefully, because I didn't really want to die. Now that my pain has increased significantly, I don't think I care as much, as long as death is guaranteed.
But it also feels horrible that my last experiences of life will be unbearable pain. Ideally I'd want to die in a more pleasant environment. But if I am capable of experiencing pleasure or even the absence of pain, then CTB seems to be the wrong decision. Maybe this is why bipolar people often CTB in the manic phase as their mood degrades towards the depressed phase.
Right now, I've only been experiencing pain for a week straight. That's not long enough to CTB. Maybe it will get better - it often does. But if it doesn't, and I stay in pain for a month, for a year... At that point, I will have forgotten that I ever enjoyed life. And that's maybe the only time that CTB would be justified. It's horrible to imagine how terrible my life must get for me to legitimately want to die.
Maybe there's an alternative? I can wait for my condition to stabilize, and once I figure out what my life will be like, I can make an informed, unemotional decision to end my life or not. But how can CTB not be emotional??? At the very end, it's just you and your SI, and overcoming that is emotionally incredibly difficult.
This is why I wish that I had died due to a freak accident, instead of slowly becoming disabled and in pain. It really feels like I'm living in hell, experiencing the worst possible feeling in the world, to feel like taking my own life is the only way out. Having life circumstances force you to make that choice is worse than death, in my opinion.
What do you think?