UserHussein
Member
- Oct 14, 2023
- 51
Ever since I was very young, I wanted to be a top student. I wanted to get the best grades, and be at the top of my class. Later this morphed into me wanting to get into a decently ranked University. I wanted to compete with my friends, who attend good Universities and get to enjoy all the pleasures of the "college experience". I wanted to go to parties, drink, and dance around, young and free. I wanted the prestige of attending a highly ranked University, which in itself would confirm me to be more intelligent than the people who attended Universities ranked below me, as well as secure my position in the upper classes of our hierarchical society.
But I struggled immensely academically. I struggled a bit in the beginning of High School, but my grades significantly improved so well that my third year of High School was the first year nothing below a 'B' grade appeared in my report card. Despite doing a bit better academically in High School, I could never pass tests. Somehow, I scored less than a thousand the first time I took the SAT, 940 to be exact. I did not sleep the night before, and was very hungry when I took the test due to skipping breakfast, and I didn't study. I couldn't focus during the exam due to a maladaptive daydream disorder for which I suffered from, forcing me to leave half of the answers blank. I took the SAT a second time, and scored a 960. This was the first indication that something was wrong with me, that I must have a low IQ. My grades and academic performance came crashing down during the COVID-19 pandemic, for which I would never recover from. It was then I witnessed the first ever D's and F's on my report card. I finished High School with a weighted GPA of 3.2, and an unweighted GPA of 3.0. I tried to recover any shot I could at attending a decent University by attending Community College. But I was thoroughly unprepared for the shift from in person schooling to online school, had to drop courses, take another year (three years of an associates degree which was supposed to take only two), and finished the Community College with a 2.65 GPA. The Universities in which I had set out as my "dream schools" had all rejected me. The online University which would take me was the one I had dreaded going to because of its low ranking, UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County). The reason for my low GPA in the Community College was largely due to me working while going to school, and studying for the SAT again. I was ignorant of the fact that if you're in Community College, colleges don't look at your SAT score, as the SAT was solely for High School students. I as well had online assignments that I didn't know even existed or were due, because I was not used to the transition to online school and didn't read the syllabus properly.
It was at around this time I had decided to download Instagram, the worst mistake I could have ever made for my mental health. I had decided to follow one of my old childhood friends on this app, [named censored for privacy concerns]. We all called her, '[name censored for privacy concerns]', for short. It was then, my raise in envy, jealousy, and descent into madness ensued. I could see what she, and all of her University of Michigan friends were up to; partying, drinking, studying abroad, and dating, all in a school that was far more prestigious than I will attend. I could also see what all of my High School friends were up to, even the ones in the same graduating class as me. The rage was unbearable, I felt an immense sinking feeling in my chest, knowing that people in the same High School graduating class as me were attending very nice schools, such as the University of Maryland, College Park, and here I am on my third year of a Community College Associates Degree, which was supposed to take two years. This was when it finally dawned on me that I was missing out. According to every academic survey, late teens and early twenties were the time that people experienced peak life satisfaction. I had realized that I was 20 years old, and had never done the following; had sexual intercourse (Something I wouldn't do until age 21), gone to a college party, went on a romantic date, or had a serious girlfriend.
This mauling over what I didn't have turned into an obsession. I had begun a stalking spree, stalking my friends' Instagram profiles on a daily basis. It became my obsession to see what I was missing out on. I didn't feel normal, and this is what irritated me. The normal people score at least a 1,200 the first time they take the SAT, I scored less than a thousand. The normal people begin dating in their teens, I haven't despite being 21 as of writing this. Normal people take only two years to complete Community College and finish with a decent GPA, I take three and finish with a poor GPA. Normal people have large social circles to party with in their University years, I have only a few friends, and go to a University which is infamous for its' lack of social scene and partying. The social scene and partying represents something much more than momentary pleasure, it's being normal and fitting in. I don't even like parties, I don't want to have to go out and make friends. But it's the mere fact that this is what's normal and expected of people my age to do, which is what's fueling my drive to do these things.
sanctioned-suicide.net
But I struggled immensely academically. I struggled a bit in the beginning of High School, but my grades significantly improved so well that my third year of High School was the first year nothing below a 'B' grade appeared in my report card. Despite doing a bit better academically in High School, I could never pass tests. Somehow, I scored less than a thousand the first time I took the SAT, 940 to be exact. I did not sleep the night before, and was very hungry when I took the test due to skipping breakfast, and I didn't study. I couldn't focus during the exam due to a maladaptive daydream disorder for which I suffered from, forcing me to leave half of the answers blank. I took the SAT a second time, and scored a 960. This was the first indication that something was wrong with me, that I must have a low IQ. My grades and academic performance came crashing down during the COVID-19 pandemic, for which I would never recover from. It was then I witnessed the first ever D's and F's on my report card. I finished High School with a weighted GPA of 3.2, and an unweighted GPA of 3.0. I tried to recover any shot I could at attending a decent University by attending Community College. But I was thoroughly unprepared for the shift from in person schooling to online school, had to drop courses, take another year (three years of an associates degree which was supposed to take only two), and finished the Community College with a 2.65 GPA. The Universities in which I had set out as my "dream schools" had all rejected me. The online University which would take me was the one I had dreaded going to because of its low ranking, UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County). The reason for my low GPA in the Community College was largely due to me working while going to school, and studying for the SAT again. I was ignorant of the fact that if you're in Community College, colleges don't look at your SAT score, as the SAT was solely for High School students. I as well had online assignments that I didn't know even existed or were due, because I was not used to the transition to online school and didn't read the syllabus properly.
It was at around this time I had decided to download Instagram, the worst mistake I could have ever made for my mental health. I had decided to follow one of my old childhood friends on this app, [named censored for privacy concerns]. We all called her, '[name censored for privacy concerns]', for short. It was then, my raise in envy, jealousy, and descent into madness ensued. I could see what she, and all of her University of Michigan friends were up to; partying, drinking, studying abroad, and dating, all in a school that was far more prestigious than I will attend. I could also see what all of my High School friends were up to, even the ones in the same graduating class as me. The rage was unbearable, I felt an immense sinking feeling in my chest, knowing that people in the same High School graduating class as me were attending very nice schools, such as the University of Maryland, College Park, and here I am on my third year of a Community College Associates Degree, which was supposed to take two years. This was when it finally dawned on me that I was missing out. According to every academic survey, late teens and early twenties were the time that people experienced peak life satisfaction. I had realized that I was 20 years old, and had never done the following; had sexual intercourse (Something I wouldn't do until age 21), gone to a college party, went on a romantic date, or had a serious girlfriend.
This mauling over what I didn't have turned into an obsession. I had begun a stalking spree, stalking my friends' Instagram profiles on a daily basis. It became my obsession to see what I was missing out on. I didn't feel normal, and this is what irritated me. The normal people score at least a 1,200 the first time they take the SAT, I scored less than a thousand. The normal people begin dating in their teens, I haven't despite being 21 as of writing this. Normal people take only two years to complete Community College and finish with a decent GPA, I take three and finish with a poor GPA. Normal people have large social circles to party with in their University years, I have only a few friends, and go to a University which is infamous for its' lack of social scene and partying. The social scene and partying represents something much more than momentary pleasure, it's being normal and fitting in. I don't even like parties, I don't want to have to go out and make friends. But it's the mere fact that this is what's normal and expected of people my age to do, which is what's fueling my drive to do these things.
I'm really insecure about missing out on the "college experience".
I've been going through a depression recently, over reflecting of all the experiences I missed out on. I went to a Community College for three years, it was only supposed to take two years but I messed up, got poor grades, had to drop and retake courses and I finished in three years. After...
sanctioned-suicide.net
