I want to commit suicide due to my past

[Gaga786]

I just don't feel happy anymore. I feel like my childhood just went to waste, I was bullied severely in school, was hardly good in studies primarily due to the fact that my mother never instilled the idea of studying or helping me with my homework. my father neglected me. My peers parents helped them with homework whereas my mother would just send me off to a tuition for 1 hour and then expect me to know it all. I hardly studied because of that and my basics regarding math and English are atrocious. I failed every class and everyone hated me. I often spent my time in school alone just wandering by being chased around by bullies or spending extra time in classes finishing my classwork. I wish I would have spent more time studying or stood up for myself. Out of 90 students In my school batch not one liked me as a person primarily due to the fact that im so dislikable as a person. I would often come home and my mother would have these episodes under stress where she would hit herself and bang her head on walls while saying how she wishes god takes her away and that its better if she dies and how her luck sucks that she had me. ive always felt like a nuisance. I do envy those who's have a good childhood and developed in a carefree environment or had parents who actually helped them with homework and instilled a positive attitude towards studying or those who have friends and are likeable. Part of the reason why my English here sucks is because its never been developed in the first place. wouldn't it be best if I go away forever ?

 

[rationaltake]

Your English is great. Anyway. I understand how your past affects you. It sounds like your mother had real problems.

How would you like your life to go now?

 

[Gaga786]

My life is miserable, I feel like a failure and I just don't know what to do. My past haunts me and no matter what I do I just can't seem to forget it. It is like im reliving the entire experience. I don't know how ill survive in university since my basics regarding math and English are crap. I feel there is no real worth living. My bullies are doing amazing at life whereas im the one suffering here

 

[Lullaby]

Hey, I know native English speakers who can't even write as good as you. You're already doing great.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that things are so unbearable. This life is just so unfair and people really can be so cruel. It sounds like you have suffered a lot and I know that it can be so dreadful when everything seems hopeless. I wish you the best and I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do.

 

[rationaltake]

I understand. Being bullied is atrocious. Could you tell the university about being bullied? Do they have student welfare?

 

[FinalDestiny]

Well I think to start, your English is perfect. I understood you perfectly. Hopefully you understand me also.

I think I'm also dealing with the fallout of some emotional neglect. I understand the pain of missing and broken parents. I cannot force myself to say that they didn't love me. However as a child I can say I did not experience their love the same way that my peers had. That honestly ate me up inside. It still does to this day.

This may be difficult to come to terms with but, neglect is a form of abuse. So your trauma is real and you are definitely worth the time spent on coming to terms with this pain. Facing it upfront will not immediately (or magically) heal you but it starts planting an idea of starting your road to recovery.

As for school and your bullies. I'd been in the same boat. I'm not exactly the dumbest kid in class but because of the stress and anxiety of even waking up sometimes my grades and attendance suffered greatly.
Because I felt different, I treated people differently and also was very unliked by many people at school. So, no friends or family to rely on. I ended up using escapism (video games, porn) to deal with it.

Frankly, at this point in my life. I honestly believe that your grades don't tell the whole story of my life and I'm trying to make it play a lesser part of what I consider my identity.
I know a few people who were not academically gifted but somehow are much more content than I would ever be.

I didn't mean to write a novel for my response. Just hoping what I've said could be of some use to you in the long run. I'm also on a journey trying to figure out if this truly is the path I want to take.

You will figure your path out as well.

 

[Disappointered]

I understood what you wrote without difficulty.

I'm sorry you've had to suffer the way you did. I hope you can find relief one way or another, whatever you choose.

 

[theboy]

so sad and deep
Im sorry

 

[makethepainstop]

Only the sufferer can determine when the time is right, Only the sufferer knows how much they can tolerate. Then the sufferer makes the decision. Right or wrong it is always the sufferer's choice, does not matter what people around you say. You know your own pain.