Help I want advice: anxiously attached to a friend

[apearl]

So I've lived a pretty lonely life and only really had one close friend throughout high school and college. Last year, I realized she can't be everything to me, and giving 100% to our friendship won't make her give 100% back. She has her own life outside of me. Because of that, I've been trying to match the effort she puts into the friendship, even though I really want to give more. And because of this we've slowly been drifting apart.

Now that it's summer, it feels like she wants to go back to how things used to be (since her college friends aren't around/recently broke up with her boyfriend). I don't know if I can handle that. I spent this whole school year trying to move on, and I'm scared that hanging out with her like before will pull me back into who I used to be.


What should I do?
I don't think our friendship will ever be what it was and trying to act like it is would just get me emotionally invested again. But at the same time, I'm scared of losing her if I keep my distance.

 

[devils~advocate]

So I've lived a pretty lonely life and only really had one close friend throughout high school and college. Last year, I realized she can't be everything to me, and giving 100% to our friendship won't make her give 100% back. She has her own life outside of me. Because of that, I've been trying to match the effort she puts into the friendship, even though I really want to give more. And because of this we've slowly been drifting apart.

Now that it's summer, it feels like she wants to go back to how things used to be (since her college friends aren't around/recently broke up with her boyfriend). I don't know if I can handle that. I spent this whole school year trying to move on, and I'm scared that hanging out with her like before will pull me back into who I used to be.


What should I do?
I don't think our friendship will ever be what it was and trying to act like it is would just get me emotionally invested again. But at the same time, I'm scared of losing her if I keep my distance.

Understandable, Ive been a situation like this. I worked with someone who became a close friend over time. For about 6-7 years. They got laid off and then was living about 50 miles away...started a new job, etc. We still kept our friendship and would meet periodically a few times a year (maybe 6-8 times on average a year). We did this for about 13 years. It wasnt as much involvement as before due to the distance and getting with life, jobs, etc. This person had children as well during this time.

They died suddenly without any warning this past January. Ive known this person for about 21 years or so. Its tough now to not be able to talk to them. I shared a lot about our lives with each other. I'd say hold on to them as much as you can. But only do enough that makes you feel comfortable....knowing they could leave at any time.

Having a friend is a good thing to hold on to. Im not sure I would have been living as long as I have, if I didnt have at least someone to talk to.
With them gone, I know its over now for me soon.

 

[apearl]

They died suddenly without any warning this past January.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how painful that has been for you.

I'd say hold on to them as much as you can. But only do enough that makes you feel comfortable....knowing they could leave at any time.

Thank you for your advice, I really needed a real person's personal experience with this. It's very appreciated.

Having a friend is a good thing to hold on to. Im not sure I would have been living as long as I have, if I didnt have at least someone to talk to.
With them gone, I know its over now for me soon.

I think your right, in the end, the thing humans need the most is connection. I'm sorry you lost your friend. I know that nobody will ever replace that friend you lost but I just hope you're able to find even a little bit of support somewhere. You shouldn't have to feel this alone.

 

[devils~advocate]

I appreciate the kind words.
I was hoping my friend would be around when I decided to finally end everything.....so they could remember me & comfort my family.
I hope you continue with your friendship with this person. Its worth every moment in my opinion.