I used to live a beautiful life

[Funeralprincess]

I used to live a beautiful life; a life filled with romance that is so rare to find nowadays (most men are mediocre at best), friendships that felt genuine and warm, a career that thrives in every aspect, wonderful physical health, and more. It seemed as if I'd finally achieved all of my life goals, checked every single box I'd ever had aimed to check, and then some. It all came crashing down like an aggressive wave when bipolar entered my life. Sometimes I sit here and reflect on who I used to be before my disease, before I became so beyond help. Of course, you have the idiots who live in delusion, pushing the narrative that healing is possible, yet they fail to realize I had healed. When my life became amazing, that WAS my chance. That WAS my nirvana, my sanctity, my clarity, my… do-over.
I now am sick physically, with heart issues at a young age, and have even developed issues with my knees as well as the horrid symptoms of broken heart syndrome that have lasted a lot longer than normal. I am simply rotting away now, watching my flesh slowly thin as I spent another year in this god forsaken plant.
My chance to thrive has sailed, it left the moment bipolar took my soul and changed me. I see happy couples and great friends as they walk past me, and think about when I too used to have such a life. I merely feel like a shadow that everyone walks through now. Most days I stay isolated in my room, watching the sunset from my little window.
I immerse myself in dreams of death, eagerly awaiting the day I can finally take N and be free of this horrible place that people love to glorify.
I realize this place here, on earth… it's only made for those with a neurotypical lens… it wasn't made for people like me, and it never will be.

 

[hamvil]

I can sympathize with you. I used to live a good life as well. At least this is what I am telling myself now. After 18 years of hard work (including the studies), I had a great job, creative, with good responsibilities and a great team to manage. I had professional recognition and an international network of colleagues and business friends. I think all this just covered all my other shortcomings in my life.

See, I did not have any real friend. Never really had one in my life. I am the type of person that at dinner party gets fixated with a topic, politics, religion, you name it and then keep talking about that the entire evening just because I want to be right on everything. I lost many friends to this behavior.

I was lucky enough to find a woman when I was 20 and I have been with her since then (I am no 43). We did love each other a lot initially but now the marriage is empty since many years.

Finally, two years ago I lost my dream job because of a bad post on a social network. I am in depression since then. I have panic attack, can barely do my job, feel useless and powerless. I feel like I had my chance at greatness and now it is over.

I still keep writing bullshit on social network as anonymous. I cannot stop that. Maybe at some point the police with catch me and it will be over.

I have a bad memory (very bad), but I keep remembering small little events of my old life, like discussing about new ideas at the whiteboard with my team or presenting some net technology and an international event. But all is slowly fading away, i feel down and useless.

 

[Lonerzepam]

I used to live a beautiful life; a life filled with romance that is so rare to find nowadays (most men are mediocre at best), friendships that felt genuine and warm, a career that thrives in every aspect, wonderful physical health, and more. It seemed as if I'd finally achieved all of my life goals, checked every single box I'd ever had aimed to check, and then some. It all came crashing down like an aggressive wave when bipolar entered my life. Sometimes I sit here and reflect on who I used to be before my disease, before I became so beyond help. Of course, you have the idiots who live in delusion, pushing the narrative that healing is possible, yet they fail to realize I had healed. When my life became amazing, that WAS my chance. That WAS my nirvana, my sanctity, my clarity, my… do-over.
I now am sick physically, with heart issues at a young age, and have even developed issues with my knees as well as the horrid symptoms of broken heart syndrome that have lasted a lot longer than normal. I am simply rotting away now, watching my flesh slowly thin as I spent another year in this god forsaken plant.
My chance to thrive has sailed, it left the moment bipolar took my soul and changed me. I see happy couples and great friends as they walk past me, and think about when I too used to have such a life. I merely feel like a shadow that everyone walks through now. Most days I stay isolated in my room, watching the sunset from my little window.
I immerse myself in dreams of death, eagerly awaiting the day I can finally take N and be free of this horrible place that people love to glorify.
I realize this place here, on earth… it's only made for those with a neurotypical lens… it wasn't made for people like me, and it never will be.

Yes the same happened to me. Although I wasn't that healthy physically. But suddenly it all crashed down blame psychiatry for it and now I am where I'm at. I can't wait to be free from of all of this. I sometimes fantazize what my last moments will be like not the physical aspect but when I maybe see my whole life flashing like a movie. Well I might as well end the movie here cuz if I'm about to watch a movie I honestly don't wanna see anymore of it. I had a crazy fucked up life I wanna see that movie but I don't wanna continue it too see me just rotting away endlessly and the end of the movie. That's what I don't want my final moments to be. Just have to gather some more supplies so I can finish this movie.

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you lost everything. Totally understand you wanting to CTB. I hope your dreams of death bring you some comfort *hugs*

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. I can really feel your pain. People are so unsympathetic with psychological illness because I suppose it doesn't manifest itself physically but then it REALLY does- WE are the physically manifestations of our mental pain. You seem to be an example of that- you 'made' your life 'work' with a fulfilling career and meaningful relationships till it was all taken away. I'm so sad for you. Life just seems so cruel.

 

[FuneralCry]

It just shows how cruel life is, how positive things never seem to last and just lead to more suffering. To me, it's sad how so much pain exists in this world. I wish you peace and freedom.

 

[Final-push123]

I used to live a beautiful life; a life filled with romance that is so rare to find nowadays (most men are mediocre at best), friendships that felt genuine and warm, a career that thrives in every aspect, wonderful physical health, and more. It seemed as if I'd finally achieved all of my life goals, checked every single box I'd ever had aimed to check, and then some. It all came crashing down like an aggressive wave when bipolar entered my life. Sometimes I sit here and reflect on who I used to be before my disease, before I became so beyond help. Of course, you have the idiots who live in delusion, pushing the narrative that healing is possible, yet they fail to realize I had healed. When my life became amazing, that WAS my chance. That WAS my nirvana, my sanctity, my clarity, my… do-over.
I now am sick physically, with heart issues at a young age, and have even developed issues with my knees as well as the horrid symptoms of broken heart syndrome that have lasted a lot longer than normal. I am simply rotting away now, watching my flesh slowly thin as I spent another year in this god forsaken plant.
My chance to thrive has sailed, it left the moment bipolar took my soul and changed me. I see happy couples and great friends as they walk past me, and think about when I too used to have such a life. I merely feel like a shadow that everyone walks through now. Most days I stay isolated in my room, watching the sunset from my little window.
I immerse myself in dreams of death, eagerly awaiting the day I can finally take N and be free of this horrible place that people love to glorify.
I realize this place here, on earth… it's only made for those with a neurotypical lens… it wasn't made for people like me, and it never will be.

"Most men are mediocre at best"
Lol guess those fellas are right after all

Anyway crippling illness(either mental or physical) is soul crushing. It understandable to feel the way you do.

It isn't much but I hope you find your peace when or if you ctb

 

[outrider567]

I used to live a beautiful life; a life filled with romance that is so rare to find nowadays (most men are mediocre at best), friendships that felt genuine and warm, a career that thrives in every aspect, wonderful physical health, and more. It seemed as if I'd finally achieved all of my life goals, checked every single box I'd ever had aimed to check, and then some. It all came crashing down like an aggressive wave when bipolar entered my life. Sometimes I sit here and reflect on who I used to be before my disease, before I became so beyond help. Of course, you have the idiots who live in delusion, pushing the narrative that healing is possible, yet they fail to realize I had healed. When my life became amazing, that WAS my chance. That WAS my nirvana, my sanctity, my clarity, my… do-over.
I now am sick physically, with heart issues at a young age, and have even developed issues with my knees as well as the horrid symptoms of broken heart syndrome that have lasted a lot longer than normal. I am simply rotting away now, watching my flesh slowly thin as I spent another year in this god forsaken plant.
My chance to thrive has sailed, it left the moment bipolar took my soul and changed me. I see happy couples and great friends as they walk past me, and think about when I too used to have such a life. I merely feel like a shadow that everyone walks through now. Most days I stay isolated in my room, watching the sunset from my little window.
I immerse myself in dreams of death, eagerly awaiting the day I can finally take N and be free of this horrible place that people love to glorify.
I realize this place here, on earth… it's only made for those with a neurotypical lens… it wasn't made for people like me, and it never will be.

I can relate, broken heart syndrome, a million memories, now just a shadow of myself, totally isolated most days

 

[Funeralprincess]

"Most men are mediocre at best"
Lol guess those fellas are right after all

Anyway crippling illness(either mental or physical) is soul crushing. It understandable to feel the way you do.

It isn't much but I hope you find your peace when or if you ctb

Most men are mediocre. I never had to settle for that because I had the best. Truth hurts but it's truth nonetheless and either way, I will be at peace soon

 

[takemenowpls]

The part where you mention how it hurts to see other couples… that's what kills me too. I had that and didn't even know till I lost it. I treated her poorly so I deserve to suffer now. I think men or at least myself expect too much. I showered my love with nice things but that wasn't the path to her heart.

 

[Final-push123]

Most men are mediocre. I never had to settle for that because I had the best. Truth hurts but it's truth nonetheless and either way, I will be at peace soon

Nah I'm fine with it. After all most Women find most men unattractive. So your take on men isn't a surprise to me.

It is interesting though to see a women who have been alpha widowed, would you mind telling about the guy you had that was "the best"? How tall was he? Was he jacked? Job? Status?

 

[SexyIncél]

Nice thing about having narcissistic traits: thinking "I was the best"

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I love your pfp!
Yeah nothing can ever be the same again, that's what I learned.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Nah I'm fine with it. After all most Women find most men unattractive. So your take on men isn't a surprise to me.

It is interesting though to see a women who have been alpha widowed, would you mind telling about the guy you had that was "the best"? How tall was he? Was he jacked? Job? Status?

I'm not a widow. You see, you men listen to these podcasters and think every guy that's successful is tall and jacked.. pathetic how y'all are so brain dead. He wasn't very tall, and had a little weight on him. He makes six figures a year and is a provider type. Intellectually stimulating on top of it and because he applied pressure I did the MOST for him. Mediocre men don't deserve a chef, therapist, and porn star all in one. Ladies if you get a man like I had, it will be EASY to go all in… these lame ass nobodies don't deserve your all. I gave it all to the right man even though things ended, he provided me materials AND emotionals. All women should strive to lock those men down. And not all successful men are tall and jacked. If you were successful and didn't live online, you'd know that ;)
He was a project manager so that's a lucrative career. He wasn't rich, but was well off in the mid six figs… he did for me and I never had to ask and it made it so easy to be feminine… he made me realize I LOVE traditional men and i naturally cooked and cleaned for him because he spoiled me and was also there for me… yall chronically online men don't deserve a feminine woman because you can't even do the minimum. I'm proud I didn't settle. I'm proud I waited and experienced things with him because it made it SO easy for me to play my role… I don't care about looks because I know that isn't the most important so ladies, if you want a man who provides, avoid the sexy men. They tend to actually not be as successful and they'll hurt you. Let these chronically online losers believe all six figure and up earners are tall and jacked lol it's so far from true and if you live in the city you'll find many high earners who aren't a ten physically, but they're going to treat you right.

 

[MidnightDream]

I'm so sorry. I can relate with the last line, this world simply wasn't built for ND people and it sucks.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Nice thing about having narcissistic traits: thinking "I was the best"

Ummm he was the best. Not sure how me complimenting him is narcissistic. You may want to learn what words mean before you use them

I love your pfp!
Yeah nothing can ever be the same again, that's what I learned.

Thank you

 

[Final-push123]

I'm not a widow. You see, you men listen to these podcasters and think every guy that's successful is tall and jacked.. pathetic how y'all are so brain dead. He wasn't very tall, and had a little weight on him. He makes six figures a year and is a provider type. Intellectually stimulating on top of it and because he applied pressure I did the MOST for him. Mediocre men don't deserve a chef, therapist, and porn star all in one. Ladies if you get a man like I had, it will be EASY to go all in… these lame ass nobodies don't deserve your all. I gave it all to the right man even though things ended, he provided me materials AND emotionals. All women should strive to lock those men down. And not all successful men are tall and jacked. If you were successful and didn't live online, you'd know that ;)
He was a project manager so that's a lucrative career. He wasn't rich, but was well off in the mid six figs… he did for me and I never had to ask and it made it so easy to be feminine… he made me realize I LOVE traditional men and i naturally cooked and cleaned for him because he spoiled me and was also there for me… yall chronically online men don't deserve a feminine woman because you can't even do the minimum. I'm proud I didn't settle. I'm proud I waited and experienced things with him because it made it SO easy for me to play my role… I don't care about looks because I know that isn't the most important so ladies, if you want a man who provides, avoid the sexy men. They tend to actually not be as successful and they'll hurt you. Let these chronically online losers believe all six figure and up earners are tall and jacked lol it's so far from true and if you live in the city you'll find many high earners who aren't a ten physically, but they're going to treat you right.

Man I must have striked a nerve lol, but now I got a better picture. Your new personal best was the 6 figture man huh? You really was living the dream, not every day a regular women get a guy like that.

Sad to see that the "bare minimum" is being six figture earner but hey that the current dating market for ya

One more thing, are you in you late 20's or 30's?

 

[SexyIncél]

Uh oh someone sounds mad they can't pull great partners ;)

Well, 'twas a joke… except that's what pops into narcissistic heads, so i guess a half joke

I've loved incredible people & they loved me & I destroyed the relationships due to childhood mutilations & now I sleep with a shotgun in my hotel room writing to ghosts like me who still haunt the earth and can't quite… go

:)

[edit: ahh you thought I was criticizing you? No, I was poking fun at my own hubris. Sorry if I was unclear!]

 

[theboy]

Oh... I find it horrible what happened to you. Life was very cruel and unfair to you

 

[Funeralprincess]

Man I must have striked a nerve lol, but now I got a better picture. Your new personal best was the 6 figture man huh? You really was living the dream, not every day a regular women get a guy like that.

Sad to see that the "bare minimum" is being six figture earner but hey that the current dating market for ya

One more thing, are you in you late 20's or 30's?

Six figures isn't uncommon in the city. Lots of men make that type of money and six figures is a range, just in case you lacked the education to know that. Half the city is making that type of money where I live lol it's not uncommon here which is why I also listed his other qualities. Not all of us live in the slums :) NYC, CT, CA are full of high earners, it's not a rarity especially in tech sectors lol and if you learned to read (retardation seems strong with you though) I listed how his type is and other things he did but yeah money matters and god damn it provides a better life. Ladies, move to the city. There's lots of them there.
Ah age. Let me guess, you also believe older women can't pull high earners because that's what your chronically online friends told you? Lol. You realize women here in the city twice my age are dating men way richer than mine was? Hell Bezos is dating a woman around his age.. yall online incels think that every well off man is the same when in actuality, they aren't. But I guess when you're poor all you can do is fantasize about the man you'll never be, or perhaps you're just homosexual and like to imagine what these men look like lol because guys like you seem to be VERY sure of what ALL well off man look like and that's just very gay behavior but it's okay if you're gay dude, you wouldn't be the first to have this overhyped idea of what a well off guy looks like lol.
And me? I'm in my 20s but take good care of myself physically which is why I pulled a guy like that, but older women do too, IF they're keeping up with themselves which here in the city, you kind of have to do if you want to fit in. There's not too many older women here who haven't had work done, who aren't in the gym all the time, and they're dating men way richer. Yall should stop listening to your dead boyfriend Kevin samuels and actually be around men who DO make money and you'd see they don't all look and act like the homosexual fantasy yall have created. Oh wait that's right, poor men can't be around successful men because they're poor ;)

 

[SexyIncél]

Oh wait that's right, poor men can't be around successful men because they're poor ;)

Please let's be careful here... Many people (women & men) here die because of poverty... even though money's just imaginary. Others here die because they feel utterly unsuccessful

Sure, I may privately be superficial/elitist about who I'm attracted to relationship-wise, but that's no grounds for me to disrespect people...

 

[Hurt]

Same here. Now I have no future. Only frustration and hopelessness. These are the worst days.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Please let's be careful here... Many people (women & men) die because of poverty... even though money's just imaginary. Others die because they feel utterly unsuccessful

Sure, I may privately be superficial/elitist about who I'm attracted to relationship-wise, but that's no grounds for me to disrespect people...

I am aware people die because of poverty, but this individual I do not have sympathy for based on their predatory beliefs about what well-off men like in terms of women. Let's stay on task

 

[lonewolf22]

Six figures isn't uncommon in the city. Lots of men make that type of money and six figures is a range, just in case you lacked the education to know that. Half the city is making that type of money where I live lol it's not uncommon here which is why I also listed his other qualities. Not all of us live in the slums :) NYC, CT, CA are full of high earners, it's not a rarity especially in tech sectors lol and if you learned to read (retardation seems strong with you though) I listed how his type is and other things he did but yeah money matters and god damn it provides a better life. Ladies, move to the city. There's lots of them there.
Ah age. Let me guess, you also believe older women can't pull high earners because that's what your chronically online friends told you? Lol. You realize women here in the city twice my age are dating men way richer than mine was? Hell Bezos is dating a woman around his age.. yall online incels think that every well off man is the same when in actuality, they aren't. But I guess when you're poor all you can do is fantasize about the man you'll never be, or perhaps you're just homosexual and like to imagine what these men look like lol because guys like you seem to be VERY sure of what ALL well off man look like and that's just very gay behavior but it's okay if you're gay dude, you wouldn't be the first to have this overhyped idea of what a well off guy looks like lol.
And me? I'm in my 20s but take good care of myself physically which is why I pulled a guy like that, but older women do too, IF they're keeping up with themselves which here in the city, you kind of have to do if you want to fit in. There's not too many older women here who haven't had work done, who aren't in the gym all the time, and they're dating men way richer. Yall should stop listening to your dead boyfriend Kevin samuels and actually be around men who DO make money and you'd see they don't all look and act like the homosexual fantasy yall have created. Oh wait that's right, poor men can't be around successful men because they're poor ;)

Just reading your caustic diatribe makes me think that you dated someone far above your league, someone with plenty of options who realized that he can easily upgrade. Most men are completely oblivious as to what their true value is in the relationship marketplace.

 

[Hope:-)]

I used to love my life. Friends, job, education. Lost everything and now I'm attempting on Monday. I'm hoping for something better on the other side.x

 

[Final-push123]

Six figures isn't uncommon in the city. Lots of men make that type of money and six figures is a range, just in case you lacked the education to know that. Half the city is making that type of money where I live lol it's not uncommon here which is why I also listed his other qualities. Not all of us live in the slums :) NYC, CT, CA are full of high earners, it's not a rarity especially in tech sectors lol and if you learned to read (retardation seems strong with you though) I listed how his type is and other things he did but yeah money matters and god damn it provides a better life. Ladies, move to the city. There's lots of them there.
Ah age. Let me guess, you also believe older women can't pull high earners because that's what your chronically online friends told you? Lol. You realize women here in the city twice my age are dating men way richer than mine was? Hell Bezos is dating a woman around his age.. yall online incels think that every well off man is the same when in actuality, they aren't. But I guess when you're poor all you can do is fantasize about the man you'll never be, or perhaps you're just homosexual and like to imagine what these men look like lol because guys like you seem to be VERY sure of what ALL well off man look like and that's just very gay behavior but it's okay if you're gay dude, you wouldn't be the first to have this overhyped idea of what a well off guy looks like lol.
And me? I'm in my 20s but take good care of myself physically which is why I pulled a guy like that, but older women do too, IF they're keeping up with themselves which here in the city, you kind of have to do if you want to fit in. There's not too many older women here who haven't had work done, who aren't in the gym all the time, and they're dating men way richer. Yall should stop listening to your dead boyfriend Kevin samuels and actually be around men who DO make money and you'd see they don't all look and act like the homosexual fantasy yall have created. Oh wait that's right, poor men can't be around successful men because they're poor ;)

Hahahah so you are an entitled sugar baby who look down on the "pours"

Well at least I know now what NOT to look for in women if I ever get super fit and decide to date again, thank you for showing me all the red flags and what to avoid

 

[Funeralprincess]

Just reading your caustic diatribe makes me think that you dated someone far above your league, someone with plenty of options who realized that he can easily upgrade. Most men are completely oblivious as to what their true value is in the relationship marketplace.

Not really. As I said, most women are dating those types of men where I live because they're common here, and hes not out of my league because I'm attractive and well off men like attractive women. You sound broke and bitter. Carry on

Hahahah so you are an entitled sugar baby who look down on the "pours"

Well at least I know now what NOT to look for in women if I ever get super fit and decide to date again, thank you for showing me all the red flags and what to avoid

Dating a man who Provides isn't the same as a sugar baby. Sugar babies simply have sex; that's not a relationship. But I get you're not the smartest so you don't know the difference. Hmmm women don't just care about looks so good luck with that. You might find a girl who's not smart and only goes for that if you're lucky though but smart women don't date bums and they don't date for looks. It's nobodies fault but your own that you are poor. Sucks to suck. Enjoy that poverty

 

[lonewolf22]

Not really. As I said, most women are dating those types of men where I live because they're common here, and hes not out of my league because I'm attractive and well off men like attractive women. You sound broke and bitter. Carry on


Dating a man who Provides isn't the same as a sugar baby. Sugar babies simply have sex; that's not a relationship. But I get you're not the smartest so you don't know the difference. Hmmm women don't just care about looks so good luck with that. You might find a girl who's not smart and only goes for that if you're lucky though but smart women don't date bums and they don't date for looks. It's nobodies fault but your own that you are poor. Sucks to suck. Enjoy that poverty

Dating within your own "league" isnt just about looks you ditz. You want to lock down a high value man? You have to offer more than just your looks. Writing off a majority of men as being "mediocre" speaks volumes about you as an individual. It reeks of bitterness and for you to turn around and call me bitter and broke? Seems like you are projecting your own insecurities on to me :). Well you do you. Stay single cat lady!

 

[Funeralprincess]

Dating within your own "league" isnt just about looks you ditz. You want to lock down a high value man? You have to offer more than just your looks. Writing off a majority of men as being "mediocre" speaks volumes about you as an individual. It reeks of bitterness and for you to turn around and call me bitter and broke? Seems like you are projecting your own insecurities on to me :). Well you do you. Stay single cat lady!

Well off men date by looks first. That's a known fact. Hate to break the truth to you, but they do lol. I do not know one successful guy that's dating a woman who isn't put together… You seem awfully obsessed by who I choose to date. I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. And I don't have to date who you deem I should date. That's the problem with you men in poverty. You think you can dictate what women do, but you can't. ;)

 

[Anonperson1]

Well off men date by looks first. That's a known fact. Hate to break the truth to you, but they do lol. You seem awfully obsessed by who I choose to date. I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. And I don't have to date who you deem I should date. That's the problem with you men in poverty. You think you can dictate what women do, but you can't. ;)

What reaction do you expect when you're being so caustic?