30F here, from eastern europe. In my third year of medical internship, general practitioner. Looking back, i fucked my life very good and i don't wajt to be here anymore. I used to have a healthy body, a good cognition, i could finish medical school ffs
. I was always troubled. A troubled child, with ticks and lots of energy. I started smoking weed at 14 years old and it was like a medication...continued until 2020 when i had a drug induced psychosis, with 2 suicide attempts(benzo, sleeping pills). In 2021 i relapsed with drugs and was in a car accident. Broke my femur really bad. Some say i am lucky i can still walk but i don't feel lucky. I used to have such a good life before...no pain, no issues with my legs. I've been on diffrent antidepressants since 2020 but the ideation always comes back. Now, at 30 i have multiple issues with my legs and i am semi disabled(although i still have to move and participate in society, i have a lot of pain) - gonartrosis in my knees, inflamation, bursitis etc. My mom is an angel and she tries to help me, she wants to go and try a biological treatment for my knees but i know the pain won't stop. If only i would have been taken to a child psychiatrist when i was younger....anyways. i don't feel like i still have the brain for medicine, nor the motivation, nor the body. I ruined my life with the drugs, and then psychosis and depression, the car accident-everything. I have ideation every day and i'm plagued by random infections because my immunity is weak. I go to therapy, psychiatrist, i have been to rehab. I am now clean for half a year but i am miserable. I chose medicine because i thought it' s far away from capitalism but it s not...i hate money and the fact that i m always stressed by it. I hate this society..i would have chosen an off grid lifestyle if i had the money and power(not be disabled) so now i am completly dependent on the system. I don't want to sit around and see how much more i can fuck up but ctb seems so hard, for real :( On some days i have these positive thoughts that oo, my legs are gonna be fine, they won t hurt that much, i'll lose weight, stop smoking cigarettes and make peace with me and how this society works. But most of the days i pray for a fast acting cancer or the balls to ctb. It's hard paying the consequences of yoyr actions and trying to live after that, in pain. I just wanted to present myself and my story. Now my depression is both chemical and situational-yay. Having a forum like this helps(in a weird way). Thank you all
. I was always troubled. A troubled child, with ticks and lots of energy. I started smoking weed at 14 years old and it was like a medication...continued until 2020 when i had a drug induced psychosis, with 2 suicide attempts(benzo, sleeping pills). In 2021 i relapsed with drugs and was in a car accident. Broke my femur really bad. Some say i am lucky i can still walk but i don't feel lucky. I used to have such a good life before...no pain, no issues with my legs. I've been on diffrent antidepressants since 2020 but the ideation always comes back. Now, at 30 i have multiple issues with my legs and i am semi disabled(although i still have to move and participate in society, i have a lot of pain) - gonartrosis in my knees, inflamation, bursitis etc. My mom is an angel and she tries to help me, she wants to go and try a biological treatment for my knees but i know the pain won't stop. If only i would have been taken to a child psychiatrist when i was younger....anyways. i don't feel like i still have the brain for medicine, nor the motivation, nor the body. I ruined my life with the drugs, and then psychosis and depression, the car accident-everything. I have ideation every day and i'm plagued by random infections because my immunity is weak. I go to therapy, psychiatrist, i have been to rehab. I am now clean for half a year but i am miserable. I chose medicine because i thought it' s far away from capitalism but it s not...i hate money and the fact that i m always stressed by it. I hate this society..i would have chosen an off grid lifestyle if i had the money and power(not be disabled) so now i am completly dependent on the system. I don't want to sit around and see how much more i can fuck up but ctb seems so hard, for real :( On some days i have these positive thoughts that oo, my legs are gonna be fine, they won t hurt that much, i'll lose weight, stop smoking cigarettes and make peace with me and how this society works. But most of the days i pray for a fast acting cancer or the balls to ctb. It's hard paying the consequences of yoyr actions and trying to live after that, in pain. I just wanted to present myself and my story. Now my depression is both chemical and situational-yay. Having a forum like this helps(in a weird way). Thank you all
