when i'm extremely depressed i just fantasize abour having sex so that i get touched and complimented by someone, but i'm a trans man so i often get fetishized in gay communities for being so feminine and cutesy looking. it's dehumanizing to be seen as a woman using he/him by guys trying to fuck. i've also dealt with some chasers before, and they really gross me out.
when i turned 18 i started getting into hookups then i stopped, then i wanted to start again, etc etc. i only really became celibate when i started hating myself and my best friend (only one who understood me) moved away. i still think about sex often because i still get aroused and it distracts me from my suicidal ideation, but any time i imagine actually going on an app and having sex with someone i feel disgusted by the thought of being objectified or being seen as a sexy piece of meat. sure, i can get laid if i try, but i don't have sex with people i find attractive. i just end up finding someone quick and easy to have sex with. sex feels better when you're imagining it instead of when you're doing it, because there's none of the complications that come with doing things in real life.
i hate sex and i hate wanting to masturbate because i just think it's so asinine and stupid. i usually like the service aspect of sex where i'm doing it to make someone else feel good when i feel depressed and lonely, but then the sex ends and we never talk because we have better stuff to do. i feel so guilty when i'm attracted to people in my personal life that i usually repress it or act like i'm not because i don't think anyone's capable of liking me/thinking i'm hot. even with my past hookups i think that they stopped thinking i'm attractive the second they stopped seeing me even though that's not the case. i literally look the same, i just have body dysmorphic disorder. i get nervous when people say i'm attractive because i'm chronically depressed and suicidal so i don't want to burn them by letting them know me. it's really fun to fantasize about being a nympho because i don't have to think about the emptiness that would lead me to wanting to suck 5 different dicks in a week.
