Story I tried to think of reasons to stay alive and it made me realize that I'm eventually going to ctb.

[KordialitätGeziehen]

A few months ago I thought that maybe if I wrote a list where I tried to define my "reasons to live" it would help me and make life more meaningful to me. After thinking a few weeks, writing some ideas and rereading it, I realized that my list is nothing more than a bucket list. "Things I want to do before I kick the bucket." Nothing I wrote actually gave my life a reason or made me feel like:" Yeah, that's why I definetly shouldn't ctb anytime soon". Of course I had things on my list that I would really like to achieve or have before dying, but even that sounded stupid to me on second thought. What for would I achieve or have these things? What would happen after I have achieved or done these things? It made me realize I don't want to live life one reason at a time. I don't have that "one ultimate reason" or the feeling of how beautiful it is to be alive. I feel like my urge to ctb is not stopped by the beautiful things in the future that may come, it is only stopped by unselfish reasons like how friends and family would feel miserable afterwards. It's a shame that they will never understand how I feel. I really envy these optimistic people who live their life to the fullest and would never even think about the existence of a forum like this.

 

[hyacinths]

i understand the feeling completely. a lot of times, my motivation to live is based off of one thing to look forward to in the future. new video games being released, planned concerts and events to go to.... but it's difficult to think of an actual, meaningful reason to stay here. i wish that i could be happy without thinking.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have no reasons to stay alive, for me there is nothing that would ever make me want to live. I can never understand optimistic people, I see them as being delusional. I am still here because it is difficult to ctb, we are programmed to survive and there is the fear of failure. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[georgecostanza]

A few months ago I thought that maybe if I wrote a list where I tried to define my "reasons to live" it would help me and make life more meaningful to me. After thinking a few weeks, writing some ideas and rereading it, I realized that my list is nothing more than a bucket list. "Things I want to do before I kick the bucket." Nothing I wrote actually gave my life a reason or made me feel like:" Yeah, that's why I definetly shouldn't ctb anytime soon". Of course I had things on my list that I would really like to achieve or have before dying, but even that sounded stupid to me on second thought. What for would I achieve or have these things? What would happen after I have achieved or done these things? It made me realize I don't want to live life one reason at a time. I don't have that "one ultimate reason" or the feeling of how beautiful it is to be alive. I feel like my urge to ctb is not stopped by the beautiful things in the future that may come, it is only stopped by unselfish reasons like how friends and family would feel miserable afterwards. It's a shame that they will never understand how I feel. I really envy these optimistic people who live their life to the fullest and would never even think about the existence of a forum like this.

I really get your point. Though, I try to leave this idea behind of having to have a reason to live. Assuming absence of mental disorders based on a serious organic cause or experience of constant pain - I believe it is my purpose to work on becoming a person who is able to just be - without judgement or criticism - just being, breathing - that's all anyway as far as I am concerned. The rest is just nice things here and there which one gets used to anyway. If that would be easy for me I wasn't here - obviously. Death as the ultimate consquence has been on my mind since before puberty and accompanies me now for almost thirty years almost on a daily basis. Seems to me that I want to have a solid suicide option in my tool box - just to be sure I can check out any time I like.

 

[Seafoam]

Same dude, same. All my "reasons" to live are so flippant and hollow it's almost laughable. Hope you're able to come to a decision that brings you the most peace.