I tried to see the "beauty" in life

[betternever2havbeen]

So I went for a walk in the countryside yesterday. It was a really nice day and I forced myself out because I usually get more depressed in the Spring/Summer staying inside too much, not to mention that I usually sleep most of the day. I was not really in a very good mood anyway but I went out. The countryside was beautiful with all the flowers and nature. Even though I don't see life as very beautiful, I can see why people enjoy nature/art/music etc. however I just ended up feeling worse.

I kept thinking about my childhood and how badly my life turned out when I went by the tree I used to climb as a kid. That's why I always think life is inherently tragic because we can't relive the past. I suppose it's ok if your life is going well to just be like "aw miss that" and then just move on. But it made me really sad. And of course I thought about all the people that are gone from my childhood (most of them) which was depressing. Maybe it was because I was alone, as I usually am but yeah it didn't help at all. I'd thought I'd got to a place where I didn't care about my life or anything anymore but I suppose in a more emotional moment it came out.

I think my default reaction is to be depressed about everything, I know no other way. Like WTF even the "good things" in life make me feel depressed! I have NO ability to be happy whatsoever.

 

[hopeless08]

I'm sorry you're having this experience but I share the same sentiment of wanting to relive the past and now everything and anything from the past times when I was happy, hurts me to remember those moments, I guess it's because of knowing that those times are gone forever. I feel like I'm mourning the person I used to be.
It's sad that you made the effort to force yourself to go out, expecting it to be a positive experience but it didn't end up that way. If we could only wake up one morning and be in the past, realizing that this state we're in was just a nightmare.
I wish you the best

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@hopeless08 that's so nice thank you I've always struggled with the past and being nostalgic for it, I think especially in Spring/Summer. Another thing was I grew up with dogs and always used to have them out with me following me everywhere and sitting next to me in the garden but now I was just walking round completely alone since I don't have a dog now.

It's incredibly painful not being able to experience it again, a few times I've just wailed to my mum "I miss my childhoooood" lol. I've totally regressed as well the older I get. But yeah I feel the same as you that it just hurts now, like "oh I used to be happy back then, damn" although to be fair I wasn't a really happy kid either, but I'd give anything to go back. Wish you the best too!

 

[BlockHammer]

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" im sorry if the quote sounds wrong, but objectively depended on your life circumstance your view of life might be diffrent from my pov, someone who's had a rough life but can improve their will view life diffrently then someone who's never be able/never given a change to fix them

To be more specific it also depended on trauma,social connection, the place that you been living in and also your financial security. But it will take longer to explain that one by one, for your case, what im saying is that don't force yourself to see the "value" of life you entitled to your own oponion, and if someone said otherwise either they want to make themself feel good,having some superhero complex or they were just ignorant c*nt