Arin
Member
- Jan 12, 2025
- 36
I've been on a bit of a hiatus from SaSu, since I was hospitalised a number of times recently due to health complications. In that time, I thought it was getting better. I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and both my mother and I were trying our hardest to get on well together - she would stay in hospital with me, and take care of me and be kind to me, and I would generally be pleasant back, and since I didn't want to cause a rift in our relationship I was applauding her for her parenting (despite the abuse she's put me through over the years). Although I was physically ill and not stable enough to leave hospital, I was mentally in a better place than I had been the past few months, since prior to this I had been nearly nonstop suicidal. In the period I was in hospital, I only mildly wanted to kill myself - it was more vague and translucent than it had been previously. The constant sense of dread didn't go away, nor did the (arguably unjustified) sense of loneliness, but I had no concrete desire to kill myself, although the thought still remained.
I just got out of hospital a few days ago and my mental health has just fucking plummeted. I've already gotten to the point of physically preparing to hang myself, and only stopped when I realised that my parents would definitely find me before I die and 'save' me. I threw up after accidentally looking in the mirror and seeing my body. My mother called me something she knows I absolutely despise, and it made me want to just end it all right in front of her. She doesn't take mental health seriously and would probably tell me I'm pretending or faking it if she knew I was suicidal (despite having multiple failed attempts in the past), so obviously she doesn't respect the fact I don't want to be called certain things.
It just makes me feel so weak. I fucking hate that stuff as stupid and insignificant as seeing my own body or being called a certain word can push my right off the edge right back into suicidality. I hate that I'm so fucking weak. Not just my physical weakness but my mental weakness as well - the smallest things can fucking break me inside. It's so pathetic. I'm fucking pathetic and weak and sad and I can't take shit. I'm such a fucking failure.
Thinking of the future as well always sends me spiralling. It's so, so stupid - other people my age can actually be hopeful but the only thing that the future holds for me is misery and failure. I fucked up my education by being ill and now I'm good for fucking nothing. Every time I think of it I just get more and more motivated to end it all now, because nothing good is going to come my way if I keep on desperately hanging on to life like this. It's fucking hopeless. The only reason I haven't CTB by now is because I'm too much of a fucking coward to kill myself properly for real. I want to die but I'm simultaneously scared of it. I'm scared of fucking everything, it's so pathetic. I've failed to do everything, even end my own life. What the fuck. I've tried to change but nothing has worked, and no-one can do shit to help me. I can't even be honest with anyone. If they knew the truth my life would be ruined. I'd be institutionalised and my parents would disown me and I'll have nothing. Stronger people might be able to recover and rebuild from that but I'm too fucking weak. I could never do it. It's hopeless.
I just got out of hospital a few days ago and my mental health has just fucking plummeted. I've already gotten to the point of physically preparing to hang myself, and only stopped when I realised that my parents would definitely find me before I die and 'save' me. I threw up after accidentally looking in the mirror and seeing my body. My mother called me something she knows I absolutely despise, and it made me want to just end it all right in front of her. She doesn't take mental health seriously and would probably tell me I'm pretending or faking it if she knew I was suicidal (despite having multiple failed attempts in the past), so obviously she doesn't respect the fact I don't want to be called certain things.
It just makes me feel so weak. I fucking hate that stuff as stupid and insignificant as seeing my own body or being called a certain word can push my right off the edge right back into suicidality. I hate that I'm so fucking weak. Not just my physical weakness but my mental weakness as well - the smallest things can fucking break me inside. It's so pathetic. I'm fucking pathetic and weak and sad and I can't take shit. I'm such a fucking failure.
Thinking of the future as well always sends me spiralling. It's so, so stupid - other people my age can actually be hopeful but the only thing that the future holds for me is misery and failure. I fucked up my education by being ill and now I'm good for fucking nothing. Every time I think of it I just get more and more motivated to end it all now, because nothing good is going to come my way if I keep on desperately hanging on to life like this. It's fucking hopeless. The only reason I haven't CTB by now is because I'm too much of a fucking coward to kill myself properly for real. I want to die but I'm simultaneously scared of it. I'm scared of fucking everything, it's so pathetic. I've failed to do everything, even end my own life. What the fuck. I've tried to change but nothing has worked, and no-one can do shit to help me. I can't even be honest with anyone. If they knew the truth my life would be ruined. I'd be institutionalised and my parents would disown me and I'll have nothing. Stronger people might be able to recover and rebuild from that but I'm too fucking weak. I could never do it. It's hopeless.
