Swoop
New Member
- Aug 17, 2023
- 4
New user, I've felt detached from this world for a while now. I have shat the bed at every opportunity I have been given to improve my quality of life. I joined the military right after high school and pissed away every paycheck forcing myself to live paycheck to paycheck during my entire time, even during deployments where most of my expenses were already taken care of. I had a positive urinalysis for marijuana 3 months before I was supposed to leave the military but everything somehow worked out and I was able to be discharged honorably and keep my benefits (including free school). After leaving the military I decided to work a retail job while going to school and guess what? I found a way to piss away my retail job checks and my military housing allowance for going to school, so still living from paycheck to paycheck. I also shat the bed at school so I was too embarrassed to speak with a guidance counselor regarding getting back on track and abandoned it altogether. When COVID-19 hit I was fortunate enough to find a job working remotely that paid decently for my area, but the customers were so demeaning. I couldn't go more than an hour without an abusive caller calling me a f*ggot, n*gger, POS, or anything of the like and it became so draining that I started to avoid work. I was fired for excessive absenteeism and have not been able to find a job since. I have gotten so depressed that I do not clean my room or even take care of myself anymore, I shower maybe once a week and brush my teeth around the same amount. I am roommates with my best friend and their spouse and have been since I left the military, they're great people but I feel that I don't deserve them. Every time something went wrong I resorted to lying to make it seem as if these things were not my fault and they've believed me up until now, I've been taking advantage of these good people. During the pandemic I was involved in an car accident (my fault and I had no insurance) but the lady was kind enough to let me pay out of pocket to cover her repairs. I lied and made it seem as if someone hit me and they immediately believed me. After shelling out the money for that even though I was already living paycheck to paycheck I fell behind on all of my bills except rent, I tried to make sure it was paid every month to not cause hardship on my best friend and their spouse. I never got my car fixed and it got to the point that it was non-drivable so when we moved I just left it there and lied and said that it was getting picked up by a junker and that I was getting paid for it. I owed several thousand on the loan so I did not possess a clean title to even sell the vehicle but I told them I had paid it off months ago. As you can tell I am a pathological liar and am too embarrassed to come clean about my fuck ups, hell I even lied about school and said that I was almost done getting my degree. Due to my financial setbacks I started eating less and less and taking less care of myself as a whole of course they noticed, my whole family noticed when I would visit and everyone would check to see if I was okay. Of course I'd lie and make up some bullshit excuse about having a high metabolism and not eating enough to sustain my old weight. During this entire time I would have moments where I felt that this reality was not "real" and that all of this meant nothing, it is partly why I could lie so often with a straight face to the people I loved. I've lived nothing but lies with my best friend and now my family because I've told them the same lies, and it's gotten to the point where they don't even know I got fired since I am making up bullshit for that to avoid the embarrassment. My best friend had a talk with me yesterday about wanting me to be something more and told me I should go back to school since I'm so close to finishing my degree, and also encouraged me to go back to work at the job I've been lying about (I told him I have been taking unpaid time off). I agreed but I didn't plan on making it through the night. I've spent every penny I have and have even overdrafted all of my accounts. My credit card was charged off with thousands of dollars of debt and I will never recover financially, I couldn't even buy a pack of maruchan ramen if I wanted to. I have fucked my life up beyond repair and I feel small at times and I don't think I'll ever make it out of this; there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Between feeling stressed and feeling inadequate I still have these feelings of being detached and numb to it all. I have had many thoughts of "what if I didn't wake up? I hope I don't wake up. Why the fuck am I still here? I should just end it." I have a Glock 22 (.40 S&W) originally for protection and I plan on using it to CTB, but my SI kicks in and I can't squeeze the trigger. I actually tried a few hours ago and just couldn't do it, it's such an easy task to just SQUEEZE but I couldn't. And now I just feel numb. I hope I grow a pair in the next 24 hours because this FUCKING SUCKS!
Nice banner, btw
