i think something bad happened to me as a child

[deranged]

did something happen to me?, i blocked this out for most of my life until the memories recently came flooding back a few months ago and i haven't been able to get it out of my head. when i was around 7-8 years old i randomly developed really bad separation anxiety, every night at exactly 4 am i woke up in tears and screamed for my mom and then she'd have to sleep in my bed or me in hers, i also had problems falling asleep every 10 minutes or so i had to call for my mom and she'd have to confirm she was still there. i couldn't be left alone and was extremely paranoid at all times i also had many panic attacks along with weird nightmares and i had a problem with wetting the bed to the point i had to sleep in plastic sheets. i also hallucinated black shadows standing over my bed and sometimes i would feel a hand on my shoulder and it would feel so real even tho there was nobody there. all this happened so suddenly and i have no idea why, most of my childhood is just a big blur, its so frustrating. my mom had a boyfriend at the time, i really looked up to him but looking back he was kind of a dick, he got tired of all this pretty quick, my mom was occupied with me most of the time and since i had to sleep with her they couldn't have their "alone time" of course i didn't understand this and he eventually broke up with her and kicked us out. they were even planning to get married before i ruined it all, i don't have much memory of this either i just remember seeing my mom cry and then boom we suddenly moved. i guess i eventually recovered after we moved, i still feel so guilty about all this. i have no idea what happened or why i was like this but my question still remains, did something happen to me? if so i can't remember and i don't know if i want to remember. have any of you guys had similar experiences?

 

[delusionalgirl]

There is a possibility something could have happened that your young mind blocked out. I have up until about 13 mostly blocked. What unblocked it was flashbacks or something would trigger something. Not everything was unblocked but enough was. I developed ptsd from whatever happened in my childhood.

 

[Valky]

Certainly, for me it wasn't even something super bad or traumatic but something that my young mind couldn't properly process and understand. Maybe it was just 'normal' for me so my mind didn't register it as anything important and just shoved it into a drawer somewhere.

But as delusionalgirl said, certain events and triggers often make those kind of memories reappear. Maybe your brain is trying to protect you from those. So I fully understand why you wouldn't want to reopen that drawer after so many years.

Don't feel guilty for anything. You were just a kid. You were just trying to figure out life like everyone else. It is not your fault.

 

[hellispink]

I am sure some bad horrible things happened to me. Probably I was abus3d . I can't remember but my heart just feels it

 

[deranged]

Certainly, for me it wasn't even something super bad or traumatic but something that my young mind couldn't properly process and understand. Maybe it was just 'normal' for me so my mind didn't register it as anything important and just shoved it into a drawer somewhere.

But as delusionalgirl said, certain events and triggers often make those kind of memories reappear. Maybe your brain is trying to protect you from those. So I fully understand why you wouldn't want to reopen that drawer after so many years.

Don't feel guilty for anything. You were just a kid. You were just trying to figure out life like everyone else. It is not your fault.

Thank you so much. it means a lot to hear that.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I have a very similar experience. My childhood is so blurry, but I do remember waking up every night crying for my mom and she would have to wake up and watch me fall asleep again and my dad would yell at me later. I wouldn't be able to fall asleep alone and I would cry and cry when my mom would have to go to work or something. I have no idea but something bad surely had to happen to me. I was always having anxiety attacks and crying every day at school. I did have an aunt who was creepily obsessed with me and I would beg to be away from her but she was the only one who could watch over me every day.
Do you still have problems sleeping alone? Or attachment problems in your relationships? You don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable! And I'm really sorry that you've had to go through this hellish life with a childhood like that

 

[deranged]

I have a very similar experience. My childhood is so blurry, but I do remember waking up every night crying for my mom and she would have to wake up and watch me fall asleep again and my dad would yell at me later. I wouldn't be able to fall asleep alone and I would cry and cry when my mom would have to go to work or something. I have no idea but something bad surely had to happen to me. I was always having anxiety attacks and crying every day at school. I did have an aunt who was creepily obsessed with me and I would beg to be away from her but she was the only one who could watch over me every day.
Do you still have problems sleeping alone? Or attachment problems in your relationships? You don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable! And I'm really sorry that you've had to go through this hellish life with a childhood like that

I don't have problems sleeping alone but I do have problems sleeping in general, I don't have any relationship's with anyone except for my mom and it's been that way for a while but the few relationships and friendships I had I sabotaged them myself out of fear from being left alone and convincing myself they hated me or had ill intentions. I feel very uncomfortable being around anyone in general but especially my mom or family, i can't stand being touched by them it sort of makes me feel really sick and disgusted/irritated, or just people getting to close to me in general physically or emotionally it almost scares me and I start to distance myself so yes I probably do have attachment issues if that's what you mean, I hope this answer your questions :)

 

[kunikuzushi]

I don't have problems sleeping alone but I do have problems sleeping in general, I don't have any relationship's with anyone except for my mom and it's been that way for a while but the few relationships and friendships I had I sabotaged them myself out of fear from being left alone and convincing myself they hated me or had ill intentions. I feel very uncomfortable being around anyone in general but especially my mom or family, i can't stand being touched by them it sort of makes me feel really sick and disgusted/irritated, or just people getting to close to me in general physically or emotionally it almost scares me and I start to distance myself so yes I probably do have attachment issues if that's what you mean, I hope this answer your questions :)

ahhh I relate to the sabotaging relationships and being scared/distancing myself when people get close. I'm sorry you're going through that and I wish you comfort