Venting I think my mother will slowly drive me nuts this way

[Nitlott]

I don't really know how to start this to be honest. She's not bad to me I guess, I love my parents, but sometimes she starts to act so...I really don't want to insult her here, bonus points if it was out of nowhere. Usually she starts to act like this if you do something with which her opinions don't align/don't do as she wants you to. I understand that she means no harm and wants the best for her kid as a mother, at least I hope so, but that's just tiring, although I can understand why she does this. We had a highlight of this year for sure today. She came into my room to ask why I looked sad or something (hate it, that's just how I look). Said that I'm fine and the only thing bothering me is her sitting next to me and just...staring. One of those things when you feel uncomfortable but can't really say anything because it'll come off as rude. And she knows I don't like it, usually it lasts >5min. Got a mini-rant on how I'd probably feel better if she was dead and not to worry because it will hopefully be soon in return. And I'm the offender here of course, so she ignored me acting bothered when I tried talking to her the next 2-3 hours. Like what? There were several occasions of it before and that's what drives me insane. I can't remember word for word what happened, my best theory is that I asked her for something and she started scolding me, but she said how fed up she was with me and how glad she is that there won't be stuff like that when she dies. No idea why the hell would she say that, I guess to make me feel guilty...? Her touching those topics makes me want to just fuck it all up you know? Like why I even care if she says it openly. Not just recovery but even basic stuff to do before dying (cleaning out stuff, info and etc). Not only that but just any logic is thrown out the window here. Yeah, puncturing your organs with a kitchen knife right here and there seems like a good idea, you go girl!
What hurts most is that I genuinely want to get better but stuff like that just throws me back into that hopeless state of mind I get sometimes.
What also contributes to it is the fact that in my family it seems like we don't talk things out often. You get into an argument (not even an argument, you need to figure out yourself you fucked up) and then everything goes back to normal in an hour or two, and no-one brings it up again. Am I the crazy one here? It doesn't happen often, just now's a stressful time so it occurs more than usual. Beside complaints and insults-that-are-not-that-blunt-so-it's-fine tripling. There's also this constant comparison, other people like my teachers acknowledge my achievements more than my own mother. I think I'll start choking myself before sleep again. It's so tiring. I don't even know if people sharing same experience will calm me down, it sucks. There's more of those little and classic things but I'm too tired to write and proofread it

Spoiler: P.S.

A lot of time goes by between me writing, proofreading and posting threads and you know what? She acts like a bitch, that's it. I still don't mean this as an insult, but it definitely was the most fitting description all along.
I just hope that someone will get her off those mood swings soon.

 

[dizzy.]

she sounds pretty exhausting to deal with...it kinda does sound like she's trying to guilt you, even if she means well. you're not crazy for feeling this way! sounds like she's draining you, and that's why despite your efforts to get better, you keep getting set back. you deserve to be supported, not ignored!! I totally get this...my mother is very similar.

 

[DownwardSpiral]

you're not crazy. have you heard of childhood emotional neglect (CEN)? it explores how parents fail to meet their child's emotional needs. my parents also set me back when I start finding my footing or I'm in a good mood.