Venting i think my mother wants me dead too

[Silver The Hedgehog]

Last week during online classes (here in germany, I am doing an apprenticeship consisting of fulltime work and school), we used a non-login anonymous site where you had to write notes. The teacher said to add your name to them manually. Someone used my name to write very NSFW and disgusting things. I feel so unsafe as one of the only 2 women in the class. I was already terrified of men and their intentions before, but i proceeded to give this class the benefit of the doubt because i didnt want paranoia to dictate my life.
Yeah, well, disaster still happened. And it was our first real lesson too. The thought of someone already having set me as their sexual target makes me want to throw up.

I was talking to a social worker from the school, and i told her how ive been harrassed and touched before as well. Ive never told anyone before this, and i think speaking it out loud opened the floodgates to supressed memories, because all day long im reminded of everything that happened and how i will never be seen as a person.
My mom once said she regrets having children. I think something cosmic is trying to punish me for existing by giving me increasingly worse situations.

Today i had another meeting with someone at work to talk about it, and the lady drove me home afterwards because as is, i cant concentrate on work. Before that, i messaged my mom telling her i want to die and that im carrying a lot of pain and bad memories and that things happened to me.

I knew it turned bad the second she mentioned she felt bad too.
She always does this.
Anytime i want to vent, and that one time i even took her to therapy (dont go anymore because my therapist got was specialized in autism and shes not working anymore) she made it all about herself. woe is me.

when i came home, she was CRYING, YELLING at me, telling me i should consider how SHE is feeling. She kept saying horrible things. She made it all about herself again, guilt tripping me, telling me i lost my one chance at living (i already quit one job before, and shes convinced i will lose my apprenticeship for causing a scene so early on) and that she is going to die soon from overworking (nobody died due to having a telephone job, bruh.) and a lot more stuff and threats of throwing me out. She already threw my brother out years ago. This woman will not help you, and then throw you out and cry online about how her kids are everything to her and that they should have talked to her. Well, i tried talking, and look where that got me. Worse off than before.

I already wanted to not exist so i couldnt be seen or harrassed anymore, but the fact that i tried to tell my own mother, only to get yelled at and told im making it all about myself, and that its never about her, just broke me. I just want everything to end, at this point not experiencing anything at all in life anymore is better than to live the rest of my life with these memories and to know nobody gives a shit. They just all want me to keep working. I wish there was a way to kill myself quickly, without the chances of leaving me badly injured but hanging onto life. Im already autistic, i dont need to be physically disabled on top of that.

 

[ceilng_tile]

Your mom sounds like a narcissist.

Is your teacher aware that the other student is impersonating and harassing you? If not, you should tell them so the school can trace the IP address. That kind of behavior should be grounds for expulsion.

 

[Silver The Hedgehog]

Your mom sounds like a narcissist.

Is your teacher aware that the other student is impersonating and harassing you? If not, you should tell them so the school can trace the IP address. That kind of behavior should be grounds for expulsion.

yeah she definitely has some narc tendencies.
Yeah, he knows, he probably wouldnt have thought i wrote all that shit anyway. But i did tell him, and hes mad now and the teacher and social worker are trying to get this sorted out together but that sadly will never fix my broken trust or paranoia

 

[Galam]

I am sorry that you have to deal with such males around you, that's why I am always in support for separatism and male erasure, who knows what this males will do to others and their pickme-mothers protecting them. There is nothing worse on the planet than son-mothers.

You should punch the sucker in the face after you find out who it was imo, they understand only violence. Also you should tell this to the police imo, it is not just harmelss gossip. This man or boy is dangerous and you should not let him overtake your place. The only good thing you can learn from this, is to not have any sons, find ways to stop others to make sons ad create female-only living ad working rooms. You can generate so much happyness evn after your death but if you kys now only the bad people are happy.

If you need some more emotional stability try to eat 1.000 st johns wort caspuls if you don't take any other meds. This can help you to feel better. You need to take it 2 weeks.

 

[Silver The Hedgehog]

I am sorry that you have to deal with such males around you, that's why I am always in support for separatism and male erasure, who knows what this males will do to others and their pickme-mothers protecting them. There is nothing worse on the planet than son-mothers.

You should punch the sucker in the face after you find out who it was imo, they understand only violence. Also you should tell this to the police imo, it is not just harmelss gossip. This man or boy is dangerous and you should not let him overtake your place. The only good thing you can learn from this, is to not have any sons, find ways to stop others to make sons ad create female-only living ad working rooms. You can generate so much happyness evn after your death but if you kys now only the bad people are happy.

If you need some more emotional stability try to eat 1.000 st johns wort caspuls if you don't take any other meds. This can help you to feel better. You need to take it 2 weeks.

Haha I agree. Being in feminist spaces really opened up my eyes back then ( I don't interact much anymore because seeing all the femicides daily gets my mood down, but I don't turn my eyes on it)

I really don't want to have to be perceived or talk to males irl anymore, but nobody will understand this and just tries to fix me, which will do nothing. As a woman I am forever bound to get harrassed just by mere existance. I was forced to take on this male-dominated apprenticeship because of my mother pushing me to get one, and since women are a minority in STEM, i got in and I regret it so much.