I think my bf hates me

[lissa]

I wonder, how can I be a better gf? I love my boyfriend, always trying to support him with all he does, helping him with his life, always trying to be there for him even though I'm really awkward and mostly don't know what to say. He always seems angry and the worst thing is, I don't know what I did wrong. I'm losing my mind, please please help me

 

[OrphicEnd]

Did you try to ask him why he seemed angry ? Did he avoid the question?

 

[silent.desperation]

Communicate honestly with him and ask him why he treats you the way he does?

 

[lissa]

Did you try to ask him why he seemed angry ? Did he avoid the question?

He says nothing's wrong but then he gets angry again

 

[Life_and_Death]

He says nothing's wrong but then he gets angry again

question if the problem is him not you?

 

[lissa]

Communicate honestly with him and ask him why he treats you the way he does?

Communicate honestly with him and ask him why he treats you the way he does?

He's angry at how much I am scared he'll leave me, I ask him about this repeatedly. He said he'd love me more if I was smarter and that he took me for granted, I know it's my fault and I'd do anything to be better for him, any advice, please?

question if the problem is him not you?

He went through a lot shit and it probably influenced how he processes emotions. I'm doing everything I can but it seems I'm not supporting him enough. I'm completely lost, I just want to be helpful, am I trying too hard? What should I do?

 

[Dot]

He said he'd love me more if I was smarter

 

[casual_existence]

He's angry at how much I am scared he'll leave me, I ask him about this repeatedly. He said he'd love me more if I was smarter and that he took me for granted, I know it's my fault and I'd do anything to be better for him, any advice, please?

He'd love you MORE if you were smarter? That doesn't even make sense.
It'd help maybe to try writing out a list of what he does for you and what you do for him and see if there's any significant imbalances. Don't lose sight of what is real and what one perceives.
You could also take an attachment style quiz and then analyze strengths and weaknesses of your style and improve.
It's important to not change for someone in desperation. It will cause a lot of problems and especially if it's something that he suggests then there's a real chance that he's seeing an imaginary you rather than the real you. That is really really bad. He'll resent you for not being exactly as he imagines.

 

[Worndown]

It is possible HE has a problem. Try to talk about it. He might just have anger issues.

 

[silent.desperation]

He's gaslighting the f**k out of you

 

[lissa]

It is possible HE has a problem. Try to talk about it. He might just have anger issues.

I don't think so, I mean, he has lots of problems with his thinking and himself overall due to his home situation and the fact that he's neurodivergent, maybe that's the reason I'm feeling that way?

 

[OrphicEnd]

(I am not defending him, I am only trying to provide some food for thought.)

He says nothing's wrong but then he gets angry again

Maybe he already tried to tell you but you didn't pay more attention, or maybe he thinks you're touchy and risks offending you.

he'd love me more if I was smarter

This may imply that there are things that you don't realize are bothering him.
Whether this is in complicity (for example by saying things to other people that he didn't want to let them know) or as a couple (for example by being too interested in other people).
These are just a few examples which vary from one person to another, the easiest thing would be for him to tell you.

I ask him about this repeatedly.

This can help to annoy him.


It remains possible that it has nothing to do with you, he could have problems coming from elsewhere.

 

[lissa]

Is it that bad? Could it be just him having problems with processing and expressing emotions due to his autism? I heard people with autism say things they don't really mean. Maybe he was trying to say that I should take on a different approach? What do you think? I'm having trouble expressing things myself, maybe it's a me problem?

Maybe he already tried to tell you but you didn't pay more attention, or maybe he thinks you're touchy and risks offending you.

I mean, whenever this happens I try my best to make sure it won't happen again, like that time when he got mad I vented too much so I stopped venting that much as before or when he said he hates when people give him advice so I stopped doing it, I don't what to do anymore

This may imply that there are things that you don't realize are bothering him.
Whether this is in complicity (for example by saying things to other people that he didn't want to let them know) or as a couple (for example by being too interested in other people).
These are just a few examples which vary from one person to another, the easiest thing would be for him to tell you.

Oh, this may be why! I don't know what is bothering him and I'm scared to ask, could you give me some advice please?

This can help to annoy him.

I see, he's my first real love and I'm scared I might lose him because of me being me, I try my best to give him what he needs and wants but I don't think it's working out, I'm always messing up, please tell me what to do

It remains possible that it has nothing to do with you, he could have problems coming from elsewhere.

I believe that's the case. I want to be the best support for him though and I feel he will leave me if I don't, he recently said meeting me was a mistake (it happened when was venting and told him I was heavily suicidal and I'm thinking about actually doing it), and I'm scared he will leave me at some point

He'd love you MORE if you were smarter? That doesn't even make sense.
It'd help maybe to try writing out a list of what he does for you and what you do for him and see if there's any significant imbalances. Don't lose sight of what is real and what one perceives.
You could also take an attachment style quiz and then analyze strengths and weaknesses of your style and improve.
It's important to not change for someone in desperation. It will cause a lot of problems and especially if it's something that he suggests then there's a real chance that he's seeing an imaginary you rather than the real you. That is really really bad. He'll resent you for not being exactly as he imagines.

Oh, well, we both try our best to make the other one happy, he's struggling with it as he has autism and a terrible household so I appreciate every tiny thing he thinks is right. I'm always supportive and try to help him with smallest tasks and I don't judge him for any of it, I'm really trying my best to make him happy, I made a playlist for him two months ago and he still hasn't fully checked it out yet but maybe he doesn't have time? I don't know, I'm trying to justify it as good as I can, is it right?
To the attachment style, I've read about it and it seems I have an anxious attachment style whilst he has an avoidant attachment style (I'm not 100% sure, I'm guessing so by his behaviour and how hard is it for him to say he loves me)
To the desperation change, I'm worried he might leave me when I'll stop being what he likes, he even said so himself. He said that there are little traits that make him love me, like me not liking my appearance or that I'm socially awkward, just like him.

 

[numbspirit]

he recently said meeting me was a mistake (it happened when was venting and told him I was heavily suicidal and I'm thinking about actually doing it)

Wait, you told him you were suicidal and that was his response?

 

[lissa]

Wait, you told him you were suicidal and that was his response?

Yes, he tried to comfort me at first but then he said that meeting me was a mistake and that my death will screw him up

 

[numbspirit]

Yes, he tried to comfort me at first but then he said that meeting me was a mistake and that my death will screw him up

Oh, okay. If he had meant it the way I interpreted it, it would have been incredibly disgusting and impossible zu excuse.

 

[lissa]

Oh, okay. If he had meant it the way I interpreted it, it would have been incredibly disgusting and impossible zu excuse.

I'm still sad he said that, is it possible he will leave me when I say I'm suicidal again? Am I doing something wrong? Maybe I shouldn't have told him I'm suicidal, am I a burden? What would you do if your partner told you they are suicidal?

 

[numbspirit]

I'm still sad he said that

Understandable, even the way he probably meant it, it's not right to say something like that.

is it possible he will leave me when I say I'm suicidal again?

I think it will be difficult for anyone here to give you a clear answer to this question. But the fact is that it would be inexcusable to leave you because of that.

You are obviously in a very difficult situation and I think talking openly about your worries is probably the best thing to do. Apparently you've already done that, but if you're so worried right now, your situation doesn't seem to have improved. Without knowing you, all I can say for my part is that it's probably best to listen to your heart. If you're feeling so bad, you should take more care of yourself. Maybe in all the stress and always trying to be supportive, you've forgotten that you have needs and worries too. I would recommend doing lots of things that you enjoy and not always falling into the same negative thought patterns.
Judging by your posts, you seem like a very nice and warm-hearted person and it's terrible that you have to suffer like this.

 

[lissa]

Understandable, even the way he probably meant it, it's not right to say something like that.

I feel guilty for telling him about it, It was never my intention to make him feel responsible for me feeling that way, he has his own serious issues, I shouldn't burden him, thank you for helping me realize

I think it will be difficult for anyone here to give you a clear answer to this question. But the fact is that it would be inexcusable to leave you because of that.

I should stop telling him about it, that way he won't leave! Am I right?

You are obviously in a very difficult situation and I think talking openly about your worries is probably the best thing to do. Apparently you've already done that, but if you're so worried right now, your situation doesn't seem to have improved.

I tried to do so but he gets mad at me and so I stopped, I don't want to worry him more than he already is

Without knowing you, all I can say for my part is that it's probably best to listen to your heart. If you're feeling so bad, you should take more care of yourself. Maybe in all the stress and always trying to be supportive, you've forgotten that you have needs and worries too.

I'm always putting others over me so maybe you're right, I'm not sure how to do that though, I'm not really allowed to do so

I would recommend doing lots of things that you enjoy and not always falling into the same negative thought patterns.

I'll do that, thank you!

Judging by your posts, you seem like a very nice and warm-hearted person and it's terrible that you have to suffer like this.

Thank you, you're so kind

 

[MyLuckyStars]

the way things are worded, the obvious face value takeaway for most people is that this guy is an irritable lunatic. that said, i dont think thats all there is to it, seeing how attached you seem to the guy. i think people advising you to tell him to piss off are jumping the gun a little in terms of advising a major life choice. definitely consider the chance that you've been hoodwinked or strung along, but this sounds like a case where communication can salvage things, or at least expose what's really going on. i would advice not asking insecure sounding questions too often, since ill confess that as a guy i find that to be rather irritating. it's a major difference between the sexes that can cause a lot of confusion, and is what lead to my parents divorce. men often think their love is implied/assumed by their being in an official relationship with a woman, and forget that women value shows of affection/thoughtfulness as signifiers of worth and dedication. don't frame it as if you feel neglected, but try to let him know how much you appreciate things he does do (assuming that there are some) and test if that clues him in that you'd feel more secure in your attachment if he did xyz more often. whatever you choose to do, i wish the best

 

[lissa]

the way things are worded, the obvious face value takeaway for most people is that this guy is an irritable lunatic. that said, i dont think thats all there is to it, seeing how attached you seem to the guy. i think people advising you to tell him to piss off are jumping the gun a little in terms of advising a major life choice. definitely consider the chance that you've been hoodwinked or strung along, but this sounds like a case where communication can salvage things, or at least expose what's really going on. i would advice not asking insecure sounding questions too often, since ill confess that as a guy i find that to be rather irritating. it's a major difference between the sexes that can cause a lot of confusion, and is what lead to my parents divorce. men often think their love is implied/assumed by their being in an official relationship with a woman, and forget that women value shows of affection/thoughtfulness as signifiers of worth and dedication. don't frame it as if you feel neglected, but try to let him know how much you appreciate things he does do (assuming that there are some) and test if that clues him in that you'd feel more secure in your attachment if he did xyz more often. whatever you choose to do, i wish the best

Thank you for your words. I kinda suck at communicating my feelings and emotions overall, I don't really know how to talk but I'll try my best to be straightforward about my thoughts. I'm trying my best to show him that I appreciate him trying to be kind to me but I feel like it isn't enough, like I lack something. Well, anyways, thank you for your advice

 

[Worndown]

It sounds like he has a challenging life. He might be doing fairly well guven hus situation but that does not make him any easier to be with.
This is not helping you either. I am sorry, you have a rough road.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I skimmed a bit because I was feeling bad for OP, and it gets a bit much for me seeing the same things repeated. My perspective from someone that had a terrible upbringing and time growing up personally, is that none of this excuses his actions & behaviour and he should know the things he is saying are wrong and hurtful. That should be enough incentive for him not to do & say them and rethink his past behaviour.

I haven't seen anything here that was anything nice about him, and neither have I seen anything to suggest that you're doing anything wrong.

If you love him, then it's up to you if you want to stay with him but I would accept the fact that he's just not a pleasant person to be around and doesn't seem to take responsibility for what they say and their own actions. Also that they tend to blame and gaslight you instead. If you can live with that. Otherwise imo he needs to go on a journey of his own to become a better person and take some responsibility. Personally I think he should try therapy.

There's nothing wrong with you from what I see in this thread.

Re: the insecurity, it seems like he does and says a lot of things that would make anyone feel insecure. So he should take some responsibility for that too. I would not bring that up with him though, if you want to get anywhere blaming each other probably isn't the way to go. Nudge him towards therapy for his past, if nothing changes, it's him and not you.

I suppose the last thing I'll add is, if you find yourself in a toxic relationship the best thing you can do imo is leave before the damage is irreparable. I don't think I fully recovered from one where the other partner was always mad, and that was a long time ago. Also if you end up learning toxic behaviours from a partner you'll have to unlearn them before you can have a normal relationship.

Reading back, you said he is your first love. It's a hard truth but a woman's first love is often a predator. Someone that prays on naivete and inexperience because you don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. If you have an older friend who's already had more than one relationship, try telling her about your relationship and gauge her reaction. That seems logical to me that you should seek answers from someone you know who has more experience.

 

[OrphicEnd]

Oh, this may be why! I don't know what is bothering him and I'm scared to ask, could you give me some advice please?

In general, we should not do what we do not want to be done to us. But it can happen that we do something that we don't like without paying attention to it. In the context of a relationship, we can try before each action to ask ourselves whether or not we would be disturbed if our partner would do this action.
There are also personal preferences, such a person may not be bothered by such a thing and be bothered by another that you are not bothered by, but this is learned through communication.
If it doesn't work or requires you to make too much effort, it probably means that you don't have the same vision of love.

, I'm always messing up, please tell me what to do

With a few exceptions, people don't like people who repeat themselves too much and don't move on; we can say things without repeating them almost every day.
Likewise, people don't like to stay around people who are always sad, this is also why many hide their feelings, at first people offer comfort but if that doesn't change anything, they get tired and leave. It's quite common.
Some people who know that another person is planning to kill themselves, prefer to move away to avoid suffering emotionally, it's self-centered but common.

he recently said meeting me was a mistake

Either he said it out of anger and didn't really mean it, or he's putting himself before you, which is not what a partner is supposed to do.

I'm scared he will leave me at some point

I can't say for certain, it could be that his behavior comes from elsewhere, but I have the impression that you don't have the same vision of love, and in this case you don't I can't do anything about it and it won't end.
You're already putting in a lot of effort, not many people would take that much trouble.
If the situation doesn't improve then it's probably better to prepare yourself psychologically for your relationship to fall apart and not worry anymore. First love is often the hardest, but sometimes it's also the worst.
It's difficult for us to judge objectively.
It would probably be ideal for you two to have a full and honest discussion about your current relationship. Maybe you are, or he is afraid to speak frankly.