Venting I think it’s obvious I’m not ok

[justwanasleep]

I need to vent. My mum is fully on to me, she keeps ringing me all the time. A few days ago she said she's worried about me and maybe we should get a shared dog after Christmas.
Now my mum is ocd clean freak there's no fucking way she wants a dog anywhere near her house. There is only one conclusion - she knows I'm going to kill myself and is grasping at straws to keep me here. I already have pets that are my life so I don't no why she thinks a dog would make a difference.

I have ordered a 16mm 10 metres pre spliced double braid polyester dock lines mooring rope. It has its own cheeky ligature already made on it but I'll have to make my own because my neck is slim. I have no idea about ropes so I hope this is sufficient. I really need to learn how to do knots we did a course in school but I was too busy fucking around and sneaking off for cigs.

I feel guilty as fuck too I keep imagining my mum and family telling people we know that I have committed suicide. My family will be devastated but I'm such a fuck up I just need to die. I'm the trash that needs taking out.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There is only one conclusion - she knows I'm going to kill myself and is grasping at straws to keep me here.

That's what any good mom would do. What mother wants to bury her child? Guilt can be brutal. Really don't have any advice on how you can reconcile the guilt you feel with your need to CTB. It's a tough one. Hope you can find an answer somehow. Good luck.

 

[justwanasleep]

That's what any good mom would do. What mother wants to bury her child? Guilt can be brutal. Really don't have any advice on how you can reconcile the guilt you feel with your need to CTB. It's a tough one. Hope you can find an answer somehow. Good luck.

Thankyou

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe that it can be a difficult situation to be in when you wish to leave yet you are leaving others behind, but your wish to be free from it all is understandable. It can be tiring having to continue suffering here so I hope that you find what you wish for.