Venting I think I’m such a pitiful creature

[Mooncry]

I say I want to die so that I can be with my daddy again, but why would he even want me…

I'm a pathetic girl. All I do is bed rot, cry, and wallow in my self-pity. I've become aware of how utterly pitiful I am. I do nothing to help myself, yet I can't even find the courage to die. It's the same thing, day in and day out. I scream internally about how much I can't take the monotony anymore, but what do I do to change things? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I wanted to use my SN tonight, just like I've wanted to this time for the past two months. Despite what I've heard time and time again, each day that I survive isn't a "win." Even now, I feel like a poser just for writing this… Like, instead of killing myself right here, right now, I'm venting on SaSu. Logic tells me that if I were truly as miserable as I claim to be, I'd be dead by now, therefore I must be faking for attention.

It's getting to the point where I'm shaming myself for my own pain. I'm an embarrassment and I don't see how anyone could love me, not even my daddy. I wish I could be someone worthy of pride. I'm not looking for advice, by the way. I don't think anything anyone says could be of help to me anymore. I know the determination to break this cycle has to come from me, whether that means finally choosing to end it, or something else entirely. It's just so much harder than I ever imagined…

 

[TransTaxEvader]

it takes a lot of courage to ctb, it might take some time to build it up, it doesnt make you any less human or your struggles any less valid. we're happy to have you here as long as you need <3

 

[Mooncry]

it takes a lot of courage to ctb, it might take some time to build it up, it doesnt make you any less human or your struggles any less valid. we're happy to have you here as long as you need <3

Thank you, that means so much.

 

[InTheAbyss]

It's definitely not easy. I feel that post especially as someone that's wanted to ctb for nearly 40 years now. I want to ctb so bad and would say it's what I've wanted the most my whole life. Yet I'm still here despite having so many times I could have done it. From having some rope made into a noose in my drawer for over 20 years, to now having sn for months. Every time I set a date to do it I hesitate and something always stops me. I don't know why. I thought it was things like fear of getting caught if it doesn't work, fear or failing in general, that I can't wrap my head around there being no 'me' anymore, to not being able to wrap my head around non existence (what I personally hope for myself), to not wanting to die alone. But maybe it's more than that? Like if anyone that I felt I could talk to freely would ask. I'd say ctb was what I wanted more than anything and nothing will change my mind or stop me. Yet here I am still. For years I have been stopped. What's wrong with me?

I'm so certain too that I qualify for euthanasia here that I've been practically begging for it for years now too. Only for that to turn into such a horrific experience itself that I want to ctb even more.

Sorry if my thoughts got a little unfocused or anything there. I've just been wondering why I'm still here lately especially since I've been telling myself for so long that I want to go so badly. Sorry again, after reading your post I just had to get that out somewhere.

 

[Mooncry]

It's definitely not easy. I feel that post especially as someone that's wanted to ctb for nearly 40 years now. I want to ctb so bad and would say it's what I've wanted the most my whole life. Yet I'm still here despite having so many times I could have done it. From having some rope made into a noose in my drawer for over 20 years, to now having sn for months. Every time I set a date to do it I hesitate and something always stops me. I don't know why. I thought it was things like fear of getting caught if it doesn't work, fear or failing in general, that I can't wrap my head around there being no 'me' anymore, to not being able to wrap my head around non existence (what I personally hope for myself), to not wanting to die alone. But maybe it's more than that? Like if anyone that I felt I could talk to freely would ask. I'd say ctb was what I wanted more than anything and nothing will change my mind or stop me. Yet here I am still. For years I have been stopped. What's wrong with me?

I'm so certain too that I qualify for euthanasia here that I've been practically begging for it for years now too. Only for that to turn into such a horrific experience itself that I want to ctb even more.

Sorry if my thoughts got a little unfocused or anything there. I've just been wondering why I'm still here lately especially since I've been telling myself for so long that I want to go so badly. Sorry again, after reading your post I just had to get that out somewhere.

No need to apologize, I completely understand. Especially the part about being unable to wrap your head around no longer being you. I feel the exact same way. It's such a daunting thought that everything I've ever known about myself and my experience will just be… over. I already don't handle grieving the loss of others well, so grieving the loss of myself feels nearly impossible. SI, the fear of the unknown, being unable to let go despite my unhappiness… It's just so much. You're definitely not alone!