I think I’m done this time

[Tired&Drained]

My first love broke up with me a few days ago and it feels like I've just been getting more depressed, less all consuming crying like in the first few days just numb suffering. I would have killed myself without her, for a little bit she gave me a drive to live, she was the light at the end of every tunnel I had to drag myself over broken glass to get to, I was genuinely excited to get up in the morning for a bit knowing that whatever happened she would be there to hold me, and now I have one real friend to hangout with but we honestly haven't hanged out much, and they'll probably leave me like everyone else does.

I'm so tired of this, I know this will pass, I will get through this and I'll get better, and someday I'll probably get better and happier than I ever have, but that will end and crash and I'll be even worse than I've ever been.

I've been a philosophical pessimist for a while, I know life is a game that I can't win and probably no one else can either, and I'm tired. I wanna make a suicide note for the people I care about, I just gotta write it put it somewhere and get cornhole bags so I can do the night-night method.

 

[gwanath]

Break ups are difficult, especially when it's your first. You must grieve a difficult loss, and everyone's process is different.

It will pass, like you said. And you will continue crashing if all your hopes are propped up on a single individual. In my experience you have to diversify, find different things and people to keep you going, and this way you lessen the responsibility of your partner being your sole support, and give yourself the chance to grow beyond them.

You deserve to feel whole after a loss, even if it's a painful loss. I suggest you look into attachment theories, it might give you a different perspective.

I hope, regardless of your choices moving forward, you can find safety and peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's true that there is no way to win in life, as time goes on there will just be more ways to suffer and nothing brings relief from the endless problems that life brings. It's certainly very tiring and I do consider only those who die to be the really lucky ones as they are free from the burden that is existence. But the reality is that if someone has something they believe to be positive, it will just inevitably cause them to suffer more when that thing is taken away. Existing really can be so painful for so many in this world.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I know things are very raw right there but as has been said that doesn't mean they will always be this raw for the rest of your life. You can't predict with certainty what future relationships will be like for you.

 

[Tired&Drained]

It's true that there is no way to win in life, as time goes on there will just be more ways to suffer and nothing brings relief from the endless problems that life brings. It's certainly very tiring and I do consider only those who die to be the really lucky ones as they are free from the burden that is existence. But the reality is that if someone has something they believe to be positive, it will just inevitably cause them to suffer more when that thing is taken away. Existing really can be so painful for so many in this world.

Yeah, and I'm trans in Florida and things are gonna get so much worse here before they maybe get better