Help i think id benefit from a mental institution

[Remy_is_tired]

i dont know. ive been on meds for maybe 2 weeks?? they shouldve started working but ive never felt worse. i have more motivation i guess? been drawing more and putting in effort in my clothes (both hobbies ive had neglected b4 starting meds) but i still want nothing more than to kill myself

my biggest fear is that ill fall behind on academic stuff. if i cant keep up with school id be better off dead. rather die than live a ruined life yk?
im scared that if i do seek out being admitted, they wouldnt let me keep up w skl and i definitely wont be able to back out then
i feel like this state is definitely making me worse academically though.. god the only way is suicide but im so scared to actually try. recoverys gonna be hard and ive failed what? twice already?
i dont want to be helped. i want to die

i dont know.
if anyone has any personal experience with institutions/hospitals, id love to hear it

 

[orpheus_]

I personally have no experience with mental hospitals but I know people who do and it varies.

In most institutions, if you admit yourself voluntarily, you can get out any time you want (unless you're in a state that's immediately dangerous for you or people around you - but it's mostly extreme cases). I'd say try to search for other people's experiences with the institution(s) you're considering, look for them online - you will probably get a bigger picture of how the treatment there works and would it be something helpful for you. Also you will just be able to see whether a said institution is generally good, if there were any incidents of abuse by workers there etc.

You mentioned that you just started medication, going to a hospital for the time of adjusting to meds is often a good idea because there you're in a more "controlled" setting where doctors can see what's going on. But again, it depends on the institution.

Still I get you with the academic stuff as the thing I was always the most afraid of was falling behind in it too. Then I wasted a year of college because of a bad episode and now I'm also falling behind and will have to repeat the year. And actually... It's not that much of a tragedy. Sounds scary but really falling behind even a year is unnoticable in the big scale. I also know people who failed a year in high school because of mental problems and it didn't ruin their lives in the end. I'd say it's better to "waste" a few weeks or months for trying to get better than not try at all and get into a state when any kind of academic activity will feel impossible. Still I don't know your personal situation in detail so I don't know. I'd say it's worth trying if you think it might make things better for you, but first do research about that institution to know.what to expect and make sure you can leave the place if you want.