notsosillybilly
dear princess celestia i wanna kms
- Apr 8, 2026
- 38
i had a really bad mental breakdown late last night almost ctb, i was gonna swallow a bottle of pain meds, walk to the bike path nearby, and jump from the rock cliff with the intention of landing on my head. i almost went through with it, as a last minute decision.
i sent so many i love you messages to my long distance best friend, and i honestly wish i just turned my phone off because she was begging me to stay and telling me that my life wouldn't be like this forever. i started to feel guilty and couldn't decide what to do next.
i had previously posted long paragraphs on my ig story cussing out my mom and grandmother for how they abused me my entire life, and threatened everyone that if i ctb now that nobody should be shocked.
i still couldn't decide on what i wanted to do then one of my friends texted me and asked if they wanted to meet up and talk. i wanted to type no, but i ultimately just ended up agreeing anyway (i'm such a coward bruh).
she lives really close so we met up at a convenience store after like 6 minutes of walking. she offered a drink but almost everything was closed, so i just told her to not worry about it. i didn't really care that much.
we're now walking to the bike path (where i was gonna ctb) i'm super silent the whole time and debating whether to just get it over after she leaves or stay alive.
we get to a bench and she just asks me what's going on, trying to get me to open up and stuff like that. i'm very 50/50 when being vulnerable around my friends, but i just decided to tell her everything because fuck it. told her how i felt robbed of my childhood, lost people i cared about, stressed over being homeless and couch hopping all the time, it was a really long vent sesh.
she said that she understands and relates to half of the stuff i talked about, was comforting me, and even gave me her weed pen, then she offered to get me some food. i didnt wanna get anything honestly cause i felt like i would be draining her money, but i also didn't eat that much yesterday. i ultimately said sure, and gave up on the plan. maybe another day.
nearby was a wendy's, but they were closing and i didnt wanna go far out because she has hypermobility. luckily there was a burger place open that didn't close for another hour. when walked inside i ordered a gigantic burger with an orange soda, with the removal of mayo (you can probably see where this is going lol) and replace it with ketchup. ten minutes go by and i get the food to go, we went to a bench so i could make sure they got it right.
there wasn't any ketchup, but i also didn't think it was mayo. it was whatever with me, so i just ate the whole thing on the way back. halfway there i started to lose my breath, i thought i was just exhausted because i was coming down from a mental health episode and was exhausted from crying and lashing out. after i thanked her we said our goodbyes and went back home.
now when i started to get in the bed, it felt like i couldn't swallow, i was breathing heavily, had abdominal pain, and my mind was racing. it hit me then and there that it was sriracha mayo on the burger, i was going into anaphylaxis. i honestly thought i was gonna die, but my brain was all over the place at this point so i'm just dealing with all this while scrolling on social media.
i don't remember when i fell asleep, but when i woke up my stomach was in so much unbearable pain, but i'm feeling better now. i also made sure to text everyone back and tell them i'm okay, and apologized for making them worry.
i think that was my closest encounter with death, and i don't think i would've been satisfied if those we're my last moments.
(also i apologize for any spelling errors, i was high while typing this)
i sent so many i love you messages to my long distance best friend, and i honestly wish i just turned my phone off because she was begging me to stay and telling me that my life wouldn't be like this forever. i started to feel guilty and couldn't decide what to do next.
i had previously posted long paragraphs on my ig story cussing out my mom and grandmother for how they abused me my entire life, and threatened everyone that if i ctb now that nobody should be shocked.
i still couldn't decide on what i wanted to do then one of my friends texted me and asked if they wanted to meet up and talk. i wanted to type no, but i ultimately just ended up agreeing anyway (i'm such a coward bruh).
she lives really close so we met up at a convenience store after like 6 minutes of walking. she offered a drink but almost everything was closed, so i just told her to not worry about it. i didn't really care that much.
we're now walking to the bike path (where i was gonna ctb) i'm super silent the whole time and debating whether to just get it over after she leaves or stay alive.
we get to a bench and she just asks me what's going on, trying to get me to open up and stuff like that. i'm very 50/50 when being vulnerable around my friends, but i just decided to tell her everything because fuck it. told her how i felt robbed of my childhood, lost people i cared about, stressed over being homeless and couch hopping all the time, it was a really long vent sesh.
she said that she understands and relates to half of the stuff i talked about, was comforting me, and even gave me her weed pen, then she offered to get me some food. i didnt wanna get anything honestly cause i felt like i would be draining her money, but i also didn't eat that much yesterday. i ultimately said sure, and gave up on the plan. maybe another day.
nearby was a wendy's, but they were closing and i didnt wanna go far out because she has hypermobility. luckily there was a burger place open that didn't close for another hour. when walked inside i ordered a gigantic burger with an orange soda, with the removal of mayo (you can probably see where this is going lol) and replace it with ketchup. ten minutes go by and i get the food to go, we went to a bench so i could make sure they got it right.
there wasn't any ketchup, but i also didn't think it was mayo. it was whatever with me, so i just ate the whole thing on the way back. halfway there i started to lose my breath, i thought i was just exhausted because i was coming down from a mental health episode and was exhausted from crying and lashing out. after i thanked her we said our goodbyes and went back home.
now when i started to get in the bed, it felt like i couldn't swallow, i was breathing heavily, had abdominal pain, and my mind was racing. it hit me then and there that it was sriracha mayo on the burger, i was going into anaphylaxis. i honestly thought i was gonna die, but my brain was all over the place at this point so i'm just dealing with all this while scrolling on social media.
i don't remember when i fell asleep, but when i woke up my stomach was in so much unbearable pain, but i'm feeling better now. i also made sure to text everyone back and tell them i'm okay, and apologized for making them worry.
i think that was my closest encounter with death, and i don't think i would've been satisfied if those we're my last moments.
(also i apologize for any spelling errors, i was high while typing this)
