Venting I think I wasted all my time

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I think all my life is/was a waste of time. Like.. why going to school learn make friends all that to feel like shit and ending killing myself. Does anyone else feels this way? Like I spend all my life doing things that in the end are pointless. Played a lot of music for many years. I enjoyed in the past but not now and now I think why did I spend too much time practising... For this?

 

[miguel6565]

I think all my life is/was a waste of time. Like.. why going to school learn make friends all that to feel like shit and ending killing myself. Does anyone else feels this way? Like I spend all my life doing things that in the end are pointless. Played a lot of music for many years. I enjoyed in the past but not now and now I think why did I spend too much time practising... For this?

Yes i feel this way too,why if at the end i gonna ctb,no point in anything,i want stop all know because even if i dont ctb now eventually i will

 

[Cancún]

eres muscisiano yo también hombre
also lost everything

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

because even if i dont ctb now eventually i will

I think the same. It's like ctb is my destiny. It's inevitable. And I think in ctb everyday because it's the only way I can find some relief. At least in my mind. Knowing that I can end this is so comforting..

 

[miguel6565]

I think the same. It's like ctb is my destiny. It's inevitable. And I think in ctb everyday because it's the only way I can find some relief. At least in my mind. Knowing that I can end this is so comforting..

Yea,i know i wont live longer than this year and if hypothetically i didnt do it know and have no depression,no anxiety nothing i still would ctb because i dont wanna get old i wanna die young and nothing wont change so is better to my time go now,people used to think they know me,i know all bad things i have done and all i will because i know i will do it,no one can judge me because i know i am a monster and all i have done

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

i dont wanna get old i wanna die young

Me too. "Die young,you will be young forever in others memories." Every time I see an old man it frightens me. I never wanted to be old.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I feel exactly the same way about everything. I went to college for a while, only to drop out and get stuck with student loan debt for nothing. I've worked at jobs that I hated with the goal of making enough money to take care of myself and be happy, but that hasn't worked out so far (but I'm still trying, because I can't CTB yet). I also am terrified about the idea of growing old, just like you and Miguel.

Even if I was able to obtain everything I have ever wanted and life magically became better, I know that it wouldn't last. The thing that seems the most pointless of all would be to work my life away until I am old enough to retire, which a lot of people do. If I do that, should I try to enjoy it before I die of cancer or develop dementia? What if I die of an illness BEFORE I am old enough to retire? Then trying to work for retirement would be a total waste of time. Old age would ruin everything anyway, even if I did get to enjoy it for a while, so it makes sense to enjoy life as much as possible while we are still young and end it if doing so is impossible.

I feel like dying at the age of 30 would be perfect for me. That gives me 3 years, but sometimes it feels a lot longer than that. I suppose if I was content and happy then, maybe I would stick around longer than that, but 35 is probably where I will have to draw the line. If the family members that I am afraid of hurting are still alive, I guess I will have to find a way to write an apology note for them. I just don't know what I would say if I did that.

 

[Alyatl]

I don't think I want to get old. I don't want to feel incapable, feel my body falling apart. I'm planning to go to grad school and write my dissertation in philosophy, it's what I've always wanted to do, but it seriously feels so bleak. Slaving away for what? It'll be something no one reads, tucked away in a library. No matter how good I think it will be, how much passion I pour into it, it'll be for nothing... so really, what's the point? I'm finishing up my bachelor's, I feel mentally on death row, tried to ctb several times in the past months, and it almost feels like there's no point in waiting much longer; it's just more time to feel shitty and get hurt over and over again, and hurt those in my life.

Weird toss up for me: stay alive to write a meaningless book only to ctb before I even get close to my 40s, or end it now before things get worse? Hmm.