NSFW I think I was raped

[sinnrr-sistrr]

It was about a year ago. It was my now-girlfriend's ex. It was in the home I live in now. We got rid of every trace of her, but now the memory is jolting back up when I really don't need it to.

I was 18, and I was consenting at first, that's why it took me so long to finally realize it, but after talking over it with a friend and my gf, I know what happened.

I should've done something, said something, anything. It's so hard no to blame myself for the things she did to me. I just have to accept that I was completely dissociated and couldn't say no while she kept going.

I was literally crying while it was happening, I came out of it and cried in my now-girlfriend's arms, and I cried days and weeks later. How did it take me a year to actually realize that I was raped. It's like I had only processed that pain as regret and the truth finally hit me two days ago.

Part of me does not want to lose that control. I want to tell myself that I had, and still have, control over things, that if something bad happens it's my fault because I hold that control... but it's just not true... I was raped that night.

I wanna tell myself that I never should've said yes and that I'm a fucking dumbass, but no. I was raped by a woman 12 years older than me. I had never had intimate experiences before. I was in the perfect position to be taken advantage of, and I've know that for a while, it's the rape part that's hard to accept.

It's like, yeah, I was taken advantage of, but that doesn't mean I was raped! That just means I was young and dumb and was manipulated into a bad situation. That's not rape is it?

But as all the memories I had repressed are flashing back before my eyes, I realize how wrong I was.

It was rape. I was dissociating, I was crying, I couldn't stop her, and she kept going. I was raped.

why... why can't i move on a year later...~×

 

[dizzy.]

Oh my god, this is so awful. I'm so so sorry. None of that was your fault - you were vulnerable, and I assume she knew that, especially since she was over a decade older. Even if you said yes at first, you clearly were not enjoying yourself, she should've cut it out right then. It probably took a while to realize that it was rape since you were dissociating - plus, speaking from experience, rape is just such a shocking and absurd traumatic experience that it can take years for one to even consider it was sexual assault. It may take a while to get over, and that's not your fault. It clearly affected you very badly, which can also be seen when the memory suddenly comes up again at the worst times.
I wish you the best. This is something that never should've happened to you nor anyone ever, especially not on your first time!!

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

It clearly affected you very badly, which can also be seen when the memory suddenly comes up again at the worst times.

I have a big probability and statistics exam coming up in two days and I can't focus for the life of me. The memories keep coming up, and my sh urges are horrible. I don't know what to do to get my mind off of it...
But thank you for the kind words. It's helping a bit :')

 

[dizzy.]

I have a big probability and statistics exam coming up in two days and I can't focus for the life of me. The memories keep coming up, and my sh urges are horrible. I don't know what to do to get my mind off of it...
But thank you for the kind words. It's helping a bit :')

Oh gosh...I wish you the best. You're doing wonderful <3

 

[WaffleCat]

A 30 year old should know better than to be messing around with an 18 year old.

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

A 30 year old should know better than to be messing around with an 18 year old.

I wouldn't say that her age was the problem there, but she definitely used that position of being the more experienced one to take advantage of me.

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

It probably took a while to realize that it was rape since you were dissociating - plus, speaking from experience, rape is just such a shocking and absurd traumatic experience that it can take years for one to even consider it was sexual assault.

I just feel so... foolish? I added more details in my original post, but I remember not being able to speak to her, look her in the eyes or be in the same room as her because even after my gf and her ex broke up they were still living together.*

Like how could I not see how badly it affected me? How could I not figure out I was not only taken advantage of, but raped, violated. It feels so obvious now! Why did it not earlier? It's all so frustrating and dizzying...

I'd want to give more details but I'd rather do it privately, is that alright for you?~✿



*I was raped while they were living together but not dating, then they dated, then they broke up. My gf wasn't aware of what really happened until much later.