I think i might have to tough it out

[tooafraidtodiez]

Appreciating those who are willing to see this rant. I used to want to CTB due to fear of being judged. I stopped my education a bit early due to a really embarrassing incident and suicidal thoughts, since I have a progressive disease that one day will make me go blind. I'm in my 20s now and hopefully still pretty far from being blind, but once that happens, I don't know how I'd pass. Recently, I've been able to reduce my fear of being judged, but I still want to CTB due to back pain and social situations. However, I can't do the methods i desired. The only option I have is jumping, and I'm way too scared to do it, or SN, which currently the order isn't yet accepted. If the SN won't arrive, I think I might have to just tough it out no matter the outcome. I know my death won't be painless like all those I know who passed from emergency and natural causes, but I simply don't have many options. I can't drive on my own and don't have the opportunity. I will have to live this crappy life a couple thousand more days, and I don't know how I will end up. In a nursing home in a small city of a developing country, which probably is horrible, or from involuntary VSED. But you know what? All the methods I've seen are quite painful. Even SN isn't completely painless. I've seen one guy having a really tense face, as if he's enduring something painful, and later puking and going into a seizure. He only started passing out after the 10-minute mark. Besides my preferred, most other methods are quite scary. So maybe whatever you're dealing with right now, you may want to reconsider CTB, especially if you are not in any physical pain. I deal with fear of judgment by understanding that some people just want to drag you down, or they don't quite understand what you're going through. I hope each of you find your own peace and for those who chose to tough it out stay strong.

 

[Arrow]

i'm sorry to hear about the eventually-going-blind thing. i hope you can tough it out for as long as possible. i hope we can all tough this stuff out, but at this point i only need like one or two specific things to go wrong (which they probably will) before i'm willing to say i've done all that i can do at this point. i'm not very strong willed honestly, or maybe i am but in a way that isn't actually beneficial to me at all.

 

[tooafraidtodiez]

i'm sorry to hear about the eventually-going-blind thing. i hope you can tough it out for as long as possible. i hope we can all tough this stuff out, but at this point i only need like one or two specific things to go wrong (which they probably will) before i'm willing to say i've done all that i can do at this point. i'm not very strong willed honestly, or maybe i am but in a way that isn't actually beneficial to me at all.

It's okay i'm not so strong either. I've attempted and failed twice it's just that i don't have the opportunity to do it with a method that i can bear and my family refused to let me get VAD