I think I might be a terrible person

[SoSickAndTired]

I've been genuinely considering ctb. I think I might be a bad person because I can't see why I'm so bad. Within the past couple months I've been thinking of ctb because of a certain situation involving some other people. Essentially I made a joke about a person that my friend had previously dated, not knowing that that person had S/A'ed my friend. As soon as I found out I apologized profusely, but what came after is why I'm thinking of ctb.

My friend (I'll call them H) and I reconciled (or so I had thought) through a mutual friend (ill call them N). H's other friend (A) invited me to join a project they were working on. This is about a year after the original fight. I started gaining some friends from the project but about a week in H drops the "bombshell" of what I did. So I disengaged, and I left. I asked H privately if they ever were my friend at all, but they said that no, them and A never were my friend.

I went to A privately next, asking if what H said was true. A said that they didn't know what I was talking about though I'm not even sure if they were telling the truth. (Little note, at some point in the week I had told A and H that I didn't like it when they told me to ctb because of the thoughts I was having but they brushed me off)

A couple months later I get put back into a group chat with A H and N by another friend O. At some point every time I even said anything A H and N told me to ctb. So eventually I just stopped talking in there, and eventually left. (By this point I was reaching the peak of my thoughts to ctb.)

O eventually came to me a couple months later (a couple days ago) after I had left asking if they were weird for not wanting to hang out with H A and N. I said no, but it brought back all of those memories again and I feel like I'm going to throw up svery second of the day. I'm so nauseated and I have a handful of pills handy. I don't want to but at the same time I do just to make everything easier on everybody else. I feel like everything would be so much better if I was just gone. I was getting better but suddenly all that progress is out of the window.

I'm sweating a lot as I'm writing this right now. I have no idea what to do. If I do decide to ctb, what would be the quickest and least painful way to go? I heard you can get terrible stomach cramps from taking pills and throw them up, I need something that's effective and can't be prevented via bodily function.

 

[darkwater]

Did you murder or rape someone? No? Then there are plenty of worse people on this planet.

 

[HouseofMortok]

It's tough one pal, the dying peacefully that is, but from what you've put, it seems like a them problem and you're better off without them. Even O is questioning them, so it shows their colours abit in that. Telling you to ctb is not on, that's what this forum gets labelled as doing when it's not the case, if you did ctb, they've essentially assisted in that, where's welfare to check their mentality, caused it's more fucked than ours!

 

[SoSickAndTired]

It's tough one pal, the dying peacefully that is, but from what you've put, it seems like a them problem and you're better off without them. Even O is questioning them, so it shows their colours abit in that. Telling you to ctb is not on, that's what this forum gets labelled as doing when it's not the case, if you did ctb, they've essentially assisted in that, where's welfare to check their mentality, caused it's more fucked than ours!

It does help me feel al little less crazy since O saw it too, I'm gonna talk to them about it and that might help me feel better. You guys here are insanely helpful too, thank you

 

[HouseofMortok]

I'm only new here, but you're very welcome.

I wish you luck and not to stress yourself too much, you may anticipate certain responses if you confront them about it, but remember it's ok, whatever they say isn't a definitive about You. You are you and they are them. It's what we each choose to do with it.

Saying that, I've never confronted an old friend over shit he's said to me, I don't know if he's ever been funny because of how I've reacted in the past over things. All I know is, if my shit doings I've apologised for have made him treat me poorly on the sly for years then he was always a malicious wanker. Just more so he's a millionaire from his accident, cries brain damage, snorts coke. No sympathy for him. If I'm having a tough time at work with bullies, it's the typical "keep your head down" no. I will stand up (always lose tho) to injustice.

Context for mine, he got run over over a decade ago, when we fell out arguing over msn (those were the days lol) and I'd say the most hateful shit, like he should of died in the accident. I've apologised for this and thought it was water under the bridge for years, but I've come to realise he's been shitty to me in those years and I've fobbed it off whilst simultaneously being annoyed by it. And his older brother used to live with me and split the bills, until he started being creepy round girls I was dating, if I left the room, I caught him peeping through gap in door at her. And of the times his younger brother has been arsey with me, only recently have I thought.. Wow, tbh I should of thrown that ur bro out sooner and beaten him for it, because to me that was a sexual predator in the making.

So there's been a feeling at back of my mind, has he been different towards me because of these things. Then realise, I don't bother with him now, I'm better off without the drama and whatifs of his motives, I have found nicer much better well meaning friends.

Edit; I think the money changed him, why listen to people moan about every day joe problems when you can live in ignorance and splash out and go out doing anything you want, security of a roof over your head, food and bills for life. Then tells his mates "just get on with it" ... He's never worked!!! Well he volunteered and got sacked from somewhere cause he couldn't get out of bed on time.

 

[SoSickAndTired]

I'm only new here, but you're very welcome.

I wish you luck and not to stress yourself too much, you may anticipate certain responses if you confront them about it, but remember it's ok, whatever they say isn't a definitive about You. You are you and they are them. It's what we each choose to do with it.

Saying that, I've never confronted an old friend over shit he's said to me, I don't know if he's ever been funny because of how I've reacted in the past over things. All I know is, if my shit doings I've apologised for have made him treat me poorly on the sly for years then he was always a malicious wanker. Just more so he's a millionaire from his accident, cries brain damage, snorts coke. No sympathy for him. If I'm having a tough time at work with bullies, it's the typical "keep your head down" no. I will stand up (always lose tho) to injustice.

Context for mine, he got run over over a decade ago, when we fell out arguing over msn (those were the days lol) and I'd say the most hateful shit, like he should of died in the accident. I've apologised for this and thought it was water under the bridge for years, but I've come to realise he's been shitty to me in those years and I've fobbed it off whilst simultaneously being annoyed by it. And his older brother used to live with me and split the bills, until he started being creepy round girls I was dating, if I left the room, I caught him peeping through gap in door at her. And of the times his younger brother has been arsey with me, only recently have I thought.. Wow, tbh I should of thrown that ur bro out sooner and beaten him for it, because to me that was a sexual predator in the making.

So there's been a feeling at back of my mind, has he been different towards me because of these things. Then realise, I don't bother with him now, I'm better off without the drama and whatifs of his motives, I have found nicer much better well meaning friends.

I'm happy that you've been able to make better friends! I'm in the making of doing that right now, me and O have been buds since junior high so I don't think they're going anywhere lol.

 

[HouseofMortok]

I'm happy that you've been able to make better friends! I'm in the making of doing that right now, me and O have been buds since junior high so I don't think they're going anywhere lol.

Thanks, I hope it goes well. It's a shame, I've known him and his bro since highscool (34 now) but it is what it is and I'm better off really.

I still have a hard time accepting these new friends, well.. I might ctb at some point, they're aware of it, so I find it hard to commit to making an effort with them and they unfortunately can't change my world view.

It's good then knowing O since junior high, and O reeaching out to you, I would say is a positive sign he's learnt with his own observations about A H and N and wants to reconcile with you, you've not had to convince him is what I mean, he's convinced himself somethings up and come to confide in you. I hope it works out mate!

 

[SoSickAndTired]

Thanks, I hope it goes well. It's a shame, I've known him and his bro since highscool (34 now) but it is what it is and I'm better off really.

I still have a hard time accepting these new friends, well.. I might ctb at some point, they're aware of it, so I find it hard to commit to making an effort with them and they unfortunately can't change my world view.

It's good then knowing O since junior high, and O reeaching out to you, I would say is a positive sign he's learnt with his own observations about A H and N and wants to reconcile with you, you've not had to convince him is what I mean, he's convinced himself somethings up and come to confide in you. I hope it works out mate!

Same to you, thanks for all of your advice

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that people like that are best avoided, from what is written you don't really sound like a terrible person to me, but anyway I don't really think that easily accessible pills are a reliable suicide method as after all we exist in a world where suicide is purposely made as difficult as possible for people. I wish you the best.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I've said some dumb shit too. I made a "your mom is fat" joke to a coworker that lost their mom when they were young, and I forgot. Ugh.

Honestly, I sympathize with your hurt. When I was isolating and not even reading emails, I tried taking some meds to force me to at least have the willpower to read them. Instead, I had a huge nervous breakdown in the shower that I was an absolute piece of shit because I have done so much shit in the past and I couldn't find anything positive about myself.

I tried searching online for a quiz or site or something to highlight my positive attributes I really needed. No luck. I tried asking reddit. A family member saw my reddit post and decided it was best to have me kidnapped to a psych ward against my will

I never found that resource, but eventually improved and now balance the hate and love for myself, kinda.

As for interactions, you probably shouldn't sweat too much. The thing is, most people just think about themselves. For every cringe moment I have with someone, they are thinking about their cringe moments with other people. Our brains are our worst critic and most self judgemental thing in the world.

Hope you're doing better, hugs

Did you murder or rape someone? No? Then there are plenty of worse people on this planet.

I'm not sure if that messaging helps. I have been physically violent before, I almost killed my father by strangulation. I may have been a bit coercive for sex in a past relationship where there was consent, but not enthusiastic consent. So count sexual violence in my books as well. This kinda shit was in my head when I was drowning in negative thoughts.