melancholyxx
momentarily here
- Mar 23, 2023
- 14
I'll type the whole dream out and give context and afterthoughts later so I don't forget.
I was on a rich mall balcony with a friend of mine watching a performance from up high, we were getting kinda bored so we figured to go get some breakfast because it was already sunrise. We walked through the mall to the elevators. And the second the doors opened, a toddler was there. A girl. Maybe 2-3 years old. She looked up at me looking sad and confused. She was alone. My friend now turned into a childhood friend of mine and said to just leave her be, someone will end up helping her find her parents.
At first I just went passive, I've always been the passive type but then it felt like I had reached through the screen in a game and I got in control. I lunged at the elevator buttons and spammed the open square. "OPEN OPEN OPEN!!" the kid walked in. We had a small chat with her about finding her parents together as we were going down. I was a little jealous of my friend because it seemed like the little girl liked her more than me as they both spoke a language I didn't understand at one point. But what could I do?
Anyway we got off the elevators and walked through the mall towards the exit which for some reason was through this Italian restaurant(?). At this point my friend had already disappeared and it was just me and the kid. We were struggling holding hands and walking because of our size difference. As we're about to walk through the exit, this old lady sitting at one of the booth seats comments on the little girl.
"Where is she from?"
"She's *insert my race*"
"She speaks really good English for a *race*"
I rolled my eyes. I've heard that comment a million and one times. We walked away and I asked the little girl if she'd be okay with me carrying her instead. This was when I sat the girl up on a table near the door and picked her up around my hip. (I've never carried a toddler before but I've seen plenty of videos about moms and mothers.) As we exit the mall, I tell her that if she's ever uncomfortable or I'm touching something unintentionally that she doesn't want me to touch to tell me. She's silent. Her head is on my chest so I try to look down and check up on her as I'm shimmying my way around strange pathways. She fell asleep.
Right as I start to take in a sigh of relief, I walk into this stone doorway. Kinda like the ones that the Athens had. Big, stone and just kinda there. And this woman walks up to me "you found her!!" She takes the little girl from me and right as I'm about to ask for one last hug goodbye, I see my grandpa walking in holding hands with this other girl child older than the little girl I was with. Maybe around 5(?). I see him and I'm stunned. He was looking down at the child he was with, watching her steps as they walked together. He looked at me and smiled. I look back down at the child and now she's holding hands with the little girl aswell and they're both smiling at me.
I woke up a few minutes ago. For the first time, I cried the second I woke up over a dream. It felt real. My grandfather died over a decade ago. He was good to me and I miss him everyday. As for my daughter, I had an abortion in 2024. I was 18 and the father of my child and I were a long distance relationship. He was in his early mid twenties and pressured me to abort despite my love for my baby. We never got to know the gender because abortions are illegal here once you start your second trimester and that's when you can know the gender. But I like to think she would've been a girl, I've always wanted a girl. I also had a chance of twins. The guilt has been consuming me every day for the past two years. My baby would've been a year old if she were here today.
I don't know whether I believe in the afterlife or heaven. If there is one, I'd be going to hell. However the thought that my grandpa might be up there with my kid happy just broke me in a bittersw way. I haven't seen him in so long. The sleep lasted less than an hour because it was one of those sleeps where you choose to sleep more-- Like I was asleep then went back to sleep and had that dream.
It's crazy. I just posted about my daughter a few days ago. I relapsed big last night too and went on this spiral about death and death and death. Maybe it's the two of them telling me I'll be okay, or maybe it's the two of them telling me to come cross over to the other side. Again, I don't think I'd be with them but a part of me hopes I would be because I'm selfish.
They looked happy. I miss my grandpa. I wish I could've spoken to him.
I was on a rich mall balcony with a friend of mine watching a performance from up high, we were getting kinda bored so we figured to go get some breakfast because it was already sunrise. We walked through the mall to the elevators. And the second the doors opened, a toddler was there. A girl. Maybe 2-3 years old. She looked up at me looking sad and confused. She was alone. My friend now turned into a childhood friend of mine and said to just leave her be, someone will end up helping her find her parents.
At first I just went passive, I've always been the passive type but then it felt like I had reached through the screen in a game and I got in control. I lunged at the elevator buttons and spammed the open square. "OPEN OPEN OPEN!!" the kid walked in. We had a small chat with her about finding her parents together as we were going down. I was a little jealous of my friend because it seemed like the little girl liked her more than me as they both spoke a language I didn't understand at one point. But what could I do?
Anyway we got off the elevators and walked through the mall towards the exit which for some reason was through this Italian restaurant(?). At this point my friend had already disappeared and it was just me and the kid. We were struggling holding hands and walking because of our size difference. As we're about to walk through the exit, this old lady sitting at one of the booth seats comments on the little girl.
"Where is she from?"
"She's *insert my race*"
"She speaks really good English for a *race*"
I rolled my eyes. I've heard that comment a million and one times. We walked away and I asked the little girl if she'd be okay with me carrying her instead. This was when I sat the girl up on a table near the door and picked her up around my hip. (I've never carried a toddler before but I've seen plenty of videos about moms and mothers.) As we exit the mall, I tell her that if she's ever uncomfortable or I'm touching something unintentionally that she doesn't want me to touch to tell me. She's silent. Her head is on my chest so I try to look down and check up on her as I'm shimmying my way around strange pathways. She fell asleep.
Right as I start to take in a sigh of relief, I walk into this stone doorway. Kinda like the ones that the Athens had. Big, stone and just kinda there. And this woman walks up to me "you found her!!" She takes the little girl from me and right as I'm about to ask for one last hug goodbye, I see my grandpa walking in holding hands with this other girl child older than the little girl I was with. Maybe around 5(?). I see him and I'm stunned. He was looking down at the child he was with, watching her steps as they walked together. He looked at me and smiled. I look back down at the child and now she's holding hands with the little girl aswell and they're both smiling at me.
I woke up a few minutes ago. For the first time, I cried the second I woke up over a dream. It felt real. My grandfather died over a decade ago. He was good to me and I miss him everyday. As for my daughter, I had an abortion in 2024. I was 18 and the father of my child and I were a long distance relationship. He was in his early mid twenties and pressured me to abort despite my love for my baby. We never got to know the gender because abortions are illegal here once you start your second trimester and that's when you can know the gender. But I like to think she would've been a girl, I've always wanted a girl. I also had a chance of twins. The guilt has been consuming me every day for the past two years. My baby would've been a year old if she were here today.
I don't know whether I believe in the afterlife or heaven. If there is one, I'd be going to hell. However the thought that my grandpa might be up there with my kid happy just broke me in a bittersw way. I haven't seen him in so long. The sleep lasted less than an hour because it was one of those sleeps where you choose to sleep more-- Like I was asleep then went back to sleep and had that dream.
It's crazy. I just posted about my daughter a few days ago. I relapsed big last night too and went on this spiral about death and death and death. Maybe it's the two of them telling me I'll be okay, or maybe it's the two of them telling me to come cross over to the other side. Again, I don't think I'd be with them but a part of me hopes I would be because I'm selfish.
They looked happy. I miss my grandpa. I wish I could've spoken to him.
