Excuse my mistakes if I make any, I'm not a native speaker.
I'm typing this to thank everyone here who guided me through these troublesome months I've been practicing partial hanging in order to find the suitable rope position and angle.
It was, until very recently, insufferable. I cannot describe my frustration as I kept trying and failing, even going as far as beating myself out of anger everytime I get that 'exploding head' sensation and/or neck pain instead of the feeling of quick unconsciousness, which is the whole point of this method. The fact that I couldn't go unconscious and eventually die was horrible, I think I was about to go insane. I just wanted a quick and peaceful end to this shitshow.
Now, after all those failed attempts, it appears that I finally managed to find the right position and I can do it properly and with consistency. No bulging sensation, no pain, just weird, colorful lights and ringing ears as I lean into the rope. Haven't gone beyond that yet because I know unconsciousness can be very swift and I have a few more things to take care of before departing. This is the best I've done so far, and it gives me immense amount of hope in my effort to finally set myself free.
(For those who wonder, I'm doing it in a prone position, chest and head off the ground, with my head slightly tilted to the right, exposing the left side of my neck to the rope with a proper angle and apparently with enough force to swiftly disrupt the blood flow through my cartoid artery. I reckon my unconssious body won't set itself free of the rope, as you can't change position too much in that position, with the position of my body completely secured by the floor, and the rope position also fixed above with a good and tight knot that won't move and/or let go.)
I think very very soon I will be gone. Ironically, this will probably be my only suicide note, as even those I considered to be the closest to me were incapable of understanding me, yet you guys (even though I don't know any of you) did understand what I feel, what I've been going through and why I ought to get out of this pointless circus, this prison, this mental asylum... So I have nothing to say to them. Not out of anger and/or brokenheartedness, but because I don't think they'd understand. Whereas you would. So I'm sharing this something-of-a-suicide-note here, both to thank and to express my final words.
Fun fact: I never researched anything with this amount of passion and devotion :D I now have much more knowledge about neck anatomy than an average person has thanks to this painful period. Funny, isn't it?
Anyway, I hope both me and everyone else who craves for death manages to succeed in this endeavor. I wish the best for you guys. Whether you decide to live or die, stay strong and preserve hope. As hopelessness keeps one from both living and dying. This knowledge is another one of my personal gains from this period. Never let yourself feel too hopeless to CTB. Never.
Thank you all. Glad I've met you guys and this site.
I'm typing this to thank everyone here who guided me through these troublesome months I've been practicing partial hanging in order to find the suitable rope position and angle.
It was, until very recently, insufferable. I cannot describe my frustration as I kept trying and failing, even going as far as beating myself out of anger everytime I get that 'exploding head' sensation and/or neck pain instead of the feeling of quick unconsciousness, which is the whole point of this method. The fact that I couldn't go unconscious and eventually die was horrible, I think I was about to go insane. I just wanted a quick and peaceful end to this shitshow.
Now, after all those failed attempts, it appears that I finally managed to find the right position and I can do it properly and with consistency. No bulging sensation, no pain, just weird, colorful lights and ringing ears as I lean into the rope. Haven't gone beyond that yet because I know unconsciousness can be very swift and I have a few more things to take care of before departing. This is the best I've done so far, and it gives me immense amount of hope in my effort to finally set myself free.
(For those who wonder, I'm doing it in a prone position, chest and head off the ground, with my head slightly tilted to the right, exposing the left side of my neck to the rope with a proper angle and apparently with enough force to swiftly disrupt the blood flow through my cartoid artery. I reckon my unconssious body won't set itself free of the rope, as you can't change position too much in that position, with the position of my body completely secured by the floor, and the rope position also fixed above with a good and tight knot that won't move and/or let go.)
I think very very soon I will be gone. Ironically, this will probably be my only suicide note, as even those I considered to be the closest to me were incapable of understanding me, yet you guys (even though I don't know any of you) did understand what I feel, what I've been going through and why I ought to get out of this pointless circus, this prison, this mental asylum... So I have nothing to say to them. Not out of anger and/or brokenheartedness, but because I don't think they'd understand. Whereas you would. So I'm sharing this something-of-a-suicide-note here, both to thank and to express my final words.
Fun fact: I never researched anything with this amount of passion and devotion :D I now have much more knowledge about neck anatomy than an average person has thanks to this painful period. Funny, isn't it?
Anyway, I hope both me and everyone else who craves for death manages to succeed in this endeavor. I wish the best for you guys. Whether you decide to live or die, stay strong and preserve hope. As hopelessness keeps one from both living and dying. This knowledge is another one of my personal gains from this period. Never let yourself feel too hopeless to CTB. Never.
Thank you all. Glad I've met you guys and this site.
