i think I don't want to die

[Tionally]

I'm kinda scared of dying. not too much at this point as I feel too disconnected from reality and myself but still
I don't think I want to die? I mean sometimes i actually want to and it seems like the good option which gives release and stops everything bad but..
I think it's more that I don't want to live. or do what living requires. I don't have any strength or motivation to go through live. everything is so pointless and I going through my days and fulfilling my responsibilities just doesn't seem worth it.

nothing seems worth it tbh. I just don't see the appeal of living anymore. even if I'm happy for a while (which is hard nowadays since I don't feel much)
then either way most of the time I'm pathetic and I don't want to do anything.

is it really worth it to put so many effort into surving, making money, going to sleep, going to work again...

it all doesn't matter in the end as we all die so if I ctb now I could escape from everything. every bad thought, every second of suffering, every worry..

I don't want to die but I also don't want to live

 

[Erick]

I'm kinda scared of dying. not too much at this point as I feel too disconnected from reality and myself but still
I don't think I want to die? I mean sometimes i actually want to and it seems like the good option which gives release and stops everything bad but..
I think it's more that I don't want to live. or do what living requires. I don't have any strength or motivation to go through live. everything is so pointless and I going through my days and fulfilling my responsibilities just doesn't seem worth it.

nothing seems worth it tbh. I just don't see the appeal of living anymore. even if I'm happy for a while (which is hard nowadays since I don't feel much)
then either way most of the time I'm pathetic and I don't want to do anything.

is it really worth it to put so many effort into surving, making money, going to sleep, going to work again...

it all doesn't matter in the end as we all die so if I ctb now I could escape from everything. every bad thought, every second of suffering, every worry..

I don't want to die but I also don't want to live

If you are healthy, relatively young (less than 45), and are not extremely poor, you still have hope and good things can happen in your life. You may find a job you like, make friends, get a girlfriend/boyfriend... If you know you won't CTB, forget about it, and focus on good things that can make you happy. I know it is easier said than done, but it is easier than killing yourself.

 

[Tionally]

If you are healthy, relatively young (less than 45), and are not extremely poor, you still have hope and good things can happen in your life. You may find a job you like, make friends, get a girlfriend/boyfriend... If you know you won't CTB, forget about it, and focus on good things that can make you happy. I know it is easier said than done, but it is easier than killing yourself.

tbh ctb feels like an easier way out sometimes. and actually I'm not sure if I'll do it. sometimes i think I would be never able to and other times it doesn't seem hard to go through with it. focusing on the good things and being happy seems hard as that just doesn't seem to happen anymore. derealization also doesn't help. I stopped getting excited or hopeful but I guess maybe that'll change.

but either way I don't know what I'll do but I don't really care what happens to me

 

[nozomu]

I so strongly relate to this. I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I wish things could improve for me but they will never improve. I'm stuck in this state of existence and suffering, unless I make a move myself.

It's so exhausting to try to repair things to bring myself back to a stable life. How do you fix a mess this bad. It would be so much easier to jump into nothing, end it all. But I can't even do that.

 

[MBG]

Try everything to improve your life before throwing everything away….

I would look into hallucinogens, especially magic mushrooms (very safe). If you live in the USA, several states are considering legalizing it and many cities have or are attempting to decriminalize it. Or take a vacation to a clinic where it is legal (e.g., Jamaica).

Be smart and safe by doing research online. Start low and go slow.

Alternatively, Ketamine is already legal in USA and treatment available online.

*** NONE OF THE ABOVE IS EITHER LEGAL OR MEDICAL ADVICE ***

 

[Darkover]

it's inevitable that we die whether it's from natural cause or by our own hand, we are born, we live, and then we die. It's the cycle of life. there's no escaping this fact that nobody get out of here alive

 

[Erick]

tbh ctb feels like an easier way out sometimes. and actually I'm not sure if I'll do it. sometimes i think I would be never able to and other times it doesn't seem hard to go through with it. focusing on the good things and being happy seems hard as that just doesn't seem to happen anymore. derealization also doesn't help. I stopped getting excited or hopeful but I guess maybe that'll change.

but either way I don't know what I'll do but I don't really care what happens to me

I had a friend that used to think like you, she was constantly depressed, had no job, I was her only friend, the guy she loved dumped her, she was hopeless. But then she found a job she liked, made two friends at that job, started hanging out with them, and got really happy. I also had a friend that tried to hang himself with a belt, because her girlfriend cheated on him, and he had no money to pay rent, and he didn't like his job, so he hanged himself with a belt, but his neighbor rescued him while he was unconscious with the belt around his neck. After that he got a new girlfriend, made new friends, started working as a bartender, is making enough money to pay rent now and forgot about CTB.
Maybe this kinda thing can happen to you too. If sometimes you are happy, one day you may start feeling happy more often, and forget about CTB.

 

[Guy Smiley]

I don't want to die but I also don't want to live

Exactly how I am. In addition, I'm scared to die but also scared to go on living. I also feel very guilty about dying, but feel like I'm making a huge mistake if I don't do it soon. I can't decide what to do, so I just remain absolutely stuck, not taking one step towards dying or living. I'm so fucked.

 

[AnonymousL]

I'm kinda scared of dying. not too much at this point as I feel too disconnected from reality and myself but still
I don't think I want to die? I mean sometimes i actually want to and it seems like the good option which gives release and stops everything bad but..
I think it's more that I don't want to live. or do what living requires. I don't have any strength or motivation to go through live. everything is so pointless and I going through my days and fulfilling my responsibilities just doesn't seem worth it.

nothing seems worth it tbh. I just don't see the appeal of living anymore. even if I'm happy for a while (which is hard nowadays since I don't feel much)
then either way most of the time I'm pathetic and I don't want to do anything.

is it really worth it to put so many effort into surving, making money, going to sleep, going to work again...

it all doesn't matter in the end as we all die so if I ctb now I could escape from everything. every bad thought, every second of suffering, every worry..

I don't want to die but I also don't want to live

I don't think anyone wants to truly die here.

I think most are just tired of living just like you and the only escape is death. There is no other option so we are basically forced to end ourselves.

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

I'm kinda scared of dying. not too much at this point as I feel too disconnected from reality and myself but still
I don't think I want to die? I mean sometimes i actually want to and it seems like the good option which gives release and stops everything bad but..
I think it's more that I don't want to live. or do what living requires. I don't have any strength or motivation to go through live. everything is so pointless and I going through my days and fulfilling my responsibilities just doesn't seem worth it.

nothing seems worth it tbh. I just don't see the appeal of living anymore. even if I'm happy for a while (which is hard nowadays since I don't feel much)
then either way most of the time I'm pathetic and I don't want to do anything.

is it really worth it to put so many effort into surving, making money, going to sleep, going to work again...

it all doesn't matter in the end as we all die so if I ctb now I could escape from everything. every bad thought, every second of suffering, every worry..

I don't want to die but I also don't want to live

that's kinda how i used to feel....but thankfully i came through it .....i will now wait until i'm called rather than making the decision myself.

 

[tbroken]

I don't think anyone wants to truly die here.

I think most are just tired of living just like you and the only escape is death. There is no other option so we are basically forced to end ourselves.

Totally agree... Also values like family, friendship and so on are going down or they never truly existed, so many just don't want to continue with the lie...

 

[Slow_Farewell]

it's okay to not want to die, it's okay to not want to live either in your current state.
The last part is important, because it denotes a temporary state, not a permanent one.
@Erick's advice makes sense, if you want to were open to the possibility that things may change.