I think about CTB every day

[Tired_of_myself]

I wake up and think about CTB
The day goes by and I continue to have this strong anxiety... at work, it's the only time I don't think because I'm focused... as soon as I get home the thoughts continue in my mind

I feel like a failure, I'm +30 and I make very little money, I depend on help from my relatives, I'm autistic and queer.

I tried CTB in December and survived.
I'm about to buy SN or charcoal for my next attempt, but I know I will hurt everyone again if I survive. However, I'm suffering... For exemple, while I'm walking down the street, sometimes I think about throwing myself in front of the bus, or jumping out of the window...

I don't know what to do anymore... how are you? How do you deal with strong ideation?

 

[gggy]

they say you are what you consume, posting this here means that you want help, the only thing that I can tell you is go talk to a professional then if nothing worked out you take what you think is best for you, explore options before, good luck

 

[Kimlett]

I have the same issue. I'm living one day at a time, hoping to find some contentment or peace. I wish I could help you. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[atdusk]

It comes and goes. Watching series helps. I have to keep myself distracted all the time when I am alone.

Sometimes if I hold on long enough the feeling of despair I start crying. Other times It stops when I hit something.

For now I resist, but maybe I will go back to a support group if it gets worse. It helped me a lot in the past.

 

[SadLad]

I was just thinking about this the other day. I feel like when I'm working and at least a little bit occupied with physical labour rather than losing myself to depressive thoughts constantly. These past few weekends all I've thought about is CBT and it's getting more intense each week. Slowly gravitating from ideation to actually planning methods, writing notes ect. This time round feels different.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have such a rough life. Did you consult a psychiatrist / therapist? Meds? Therapy? Do you have an idea what causes the suicidal thoughts? You would have to eliminate those triggers in combination with professional help.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I was just thinking about this the other day. I feel like when I'm working and at least a little bit occupied with physical labour rather than losing myself to depressive thoughts constantly. These past few weekends all I've thought about is CBT and it's getting more intense each week. Slowly gravitating from ideation to actually planning methods, writing notes ect. This time round feels different.

Thanks for sharing. That's exactly how I feel, as if I'm slowly preparing myself for my final destination. getting used to the idea, I guess. I try to follow all the steps towards a better life, but everything seems difficult or pointless... wish you well.

I'm sorry you have such a rough life. Did you consult a psychiatrist / therapist? Meds? Therapy? Do you have an idea what causes the suicidal thoughts? You would have to eliminate those triggers in combination with professional help.

thanks for the response!
Since my last attempt, I'm taking medication. It has helped me a little - I can stop thinking obsessively about CTB, I can do household chores and get on with life. but in the back of my mind, everything remains the same - because my life remains the same as when I decided to leave.
therapy doesn't help me much... as an autistic person, I would need therapy with a specialist in the area - which is very expensive for me and the government does not provide financial support. I tried to do it with professionals of social value and it always results in frustration, because I don't get the treatment I need and I end up getting worse. The last time I tried tô CTB, I was in therapy.
I'm doing my best... when I feel ideas I come here to try to talk and clear my head because here no one judges me or tries to admit me... sometimes we just need to talk, since life doesn't change

I have the same issue. I'm living one day at a time, hoping to find some contentment or peace. I wish I could help you. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for sharing. I try not to think too much about it and just keep going, but sometimes its hard. Wish you the best

It comes and goes. Watching series helps. I have to keep myself distracted all the time when I am alone.

Sometimes if I hold on long enough the feeling of despair I start crying. Other times It stops when I hit something.

For now I resist, but maybe I will go back to a support group if it gets worse. It helped me a lot in the past.

Series and moveis really helps - i love it, its actually my favorite part of the day.

Sometimes I cry too… life is kind of hard, sometimes, and when i realize that i feel a heavy weight in my Head and chest

Thanks a good idea de support group, maybe i Will try the same. Wish you the best

 

[missmyworld]

In my case, it's that happy memories are few, and sad ones far outweigh the happy ones anyway. Distraction is my copium.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

In my case, it's that happy memories are few, and sad ones far outweigh the happy ones anyway. Distraction is my copium.

I feel the same. There have been happy times but I can't really remember them and they involve people who have since died so I guess they are also sad memories. I try and keep myself distracted which works for a while.

 

[divinemistress36]

It's practically all I think about . I've tried every depression treatment out there . I Just try to sleep as much as possible

 

[InAgony]

I think about it every day too and sometimes when I cross the road I listen, but hardly look because, like you, I think about getting run down. I just sit with the pain (and it is a physical pain) because there is no way of relieving it. Talking can help a bit, but you realise no one is going to kill you so in terms of dying it doesn't solve the problem and in my case I cannot talk about it in my current circumstances. It can make you feel more desperate when you talk with no solution or the person can't understand. Therapy helps some people or medication, just not me.

 

[wanttodie]

me to