I suck at my job

[TCD]

I put so much fucking time into it constantly with nothing to show for it. Worse still I'm an "up and coming field" and people have been glazing how smart I am for years, so no one in my life can believe that I'm actually struggling with it. They all just assume it's in my head or something. "You just need to talk to the right people. Go ask for help, go network." Like I am entirely unsupported in the place I work so It's me vs the world, and I'm just not good at what I do. I haven't ever really been good at what I do. And I'm not the kind of person who can fail at my job everyday and still be fucking happy.

IDK what the "Recovery Perspective" is on this. I am completely alone where I live but I don't even want to make friends because it seems like a waste of time because I am bad at the thing that was supposed to be my entire life. And it's not even like I hate it, or that I don't try. I do try. I spend hours and hours and hours on this shit I just suck. I literally just suck and I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed. And I have a plan to pivot out of it but what If I suck at everything? What If I'm just the problem?

 

[NZkiwi]

I put so much fucking time into it constantly with nothing to show for it. Worse still I'm an "up and coming field" and people have been glazing how smart I am for years, so no one in my life can believe that I'm actually struggling with it. They all just assume it's in my head or something. "You just need to talk to the right people. Go ask for help, go network." Like I am entirely unsupported in the place I work so It's me vs the world, and I'm just not good at what I do. I haven't ever really been good at what I do. And I'm not the kind of person who can fail at my job everyday and still be fucking happy.

IDK what the "Recovery Perspective" is on this. I am completely alone where I live but I don't even want to make friends because it seems like a waste of time because I am bad at the thing that was supposed to be my entire life. And it's not even like I hate it, or that I don't try. I do try. I spend hours and hours and hours on this shit I just suck. I literally just suck and I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed. And I have a plan to pivot out of it but what If I suck at everything? What If I'm just the problem?

sounds like you sre having a rough time of work

i can imagine

i walked out of my professional job a couple years ago. i was probably going to implode if i stayed without changing my mindset, circumstances or both.

i still have my moments, 1% better every day

how long have you been at this job for? have you got any work besties to rant to? jabe you got time for life e.g. running/gym, going out with friends, dinners etc?

 

[StarsAbove]

@TheCavernousDeep.
It seems like work is a big part of your identity. What were you doing before this job?

 

[TCD]

sounds like you sre having a rough time of work

i can imagine

i walked out of my professional job a couple years ago. i was probably going to implode if i stayed without changing my mindset, circumstances or both.

i still have my moments, 1% better every day

how long have you been at this job for? have you got any work besties to rant to? jabe you got time for life e.g. running/gym, going out with friends, dinners etc?

I've been at it for a year. It's a research fellowship though so it's supposed to be a stepping stone to something more and instead I'm just spinning my wheels because I suck at it. I do go to the gym. It's too hot to run now but I do some of that in the winter time. I have no friends where I live now. I wasn't good enough to get a job where any of my friends actually live so I'm stuck in a city people crawl off to to die.

Did quitting your job help? What did you end up doing instead?

@TheCavernousDeep.
It seems like work is a big part of your identity. What were you doing before this job?

I was in school. I went to a very competitive undergraduate and now I'm doing a research fellowship. But it's at a really shitty institution. I'm only here because I got rejected from literally every other place I applied.
I don't know how things got so bad. I thought I was smart and hard working. Now I can't seem to get anything done.

Recovery seems impossible.

 

[NZkiwi]

Did quitting your job help? What did you end up doing instead?

I work as a bartender now and my day to day life is better 100%.

I was more stressed there before, and was living for the

I still think I have no future worth living and 50/50 about cbt/recovery hence why I'm under the public mental health care system.

Recovery seems impossible.

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right"
David Goggins, apparently

'm only here because I got rejected from literally every other place I applied.

Sounds like you're carrying a bit of shame despite doing a very difficult degree? I'm sorry to hear that, seems like a painful cross to still be carrying.

 

[TCD]

I work as a bartender now and my day to day life is better 100%.

I was more stressed there before, and was living for the

I still think I have no future worth living and 50/50 about cbt/recovery hence why I'm under the public mental health care system.


"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right"
David Goggins, apparently


Sounds like you're carrying a bit of shame despite doing a very difficult degree? I'm sorry to hear that, seems like a painful cross to still be carrying.

Yeah being a bar tender seems nicer than my current job. I could meet people and interact with them and stuff. Seems livier. IDK I'm thinking about pivoting out but it's just hard. I've been on this track for so long. Glad it helped you though.

And yes I have a lot of shame. I don't really know how to get rid of it. It really feels like a thing a person just carries with them till they die. ):

As for David Goggins, I'm sure he's right. I bet my attitude is the problem. But idk how to change it. I've failed so much in the last two years. I don't know how to expect anything different.

 

[NZkiwi]

Yeah being a bar tender seems nicer than my current job. I could meet people and interact with them and stuff. Seems livier. IDK I'm thinking about pivoting out but it's just hard. I've been on this track for so long. Glad it helped you though.

If i can ask, what do you do for work?

And yes I have a lot of shame. I don't really know how to get rid of it. It really feels like a thing a person just carries with them till they die. ):

As for David Goggins, I'm sure he's right. I bet my attitude is the problem. But idk how to change it. I've failed so much in the last two years. I don't know how to expect anything different.

If I can ask, are you taking meds, doing therapy and engaging with professional mental health services? How has your experience been?

 

[Twistedliesinside]

I feel as though flexibility is the most important trait for navigating life. We're also not meant to endure alone. It would certainly be beyond expectations for anybody to work without support.

Consider thinking about what your identity really is, because it's clear you're worried about losing that, not the job. You've done a great job reaching out on this thread, it's important you acknowledge that about yourself.

As for the "Recovery Perspective", this is the real perspective, it is not theory. The perspective based on your post is you're struggling with an identity you've worked on for so long and you're afraid to let go if that's what you must do. So, I would encourage you to be flexible, even though it seems that persistence is a huge strength for you.

Persist until you discover how much more valuable you are than this path you've chosen. Remain open to all possibilities. Friendship may also be irrelevant to the values you currently hold so tightly.