I visited her one time in the hospital. It cost a lot of energy and I had to overcome some fears.
I'm not doing well myself. I think she wants more contact with me. But I really struggle to spend time with my family. I was abused as a child by my mom on a regular basis and it made my life a living nightmare. Everyone looked away. And with 18 when I had my psychosis everyone pretended they didn't witness it. I know for a fact that they were aware of it. And no one intervened.
When I was 18 I started processing the abuse in therapy. I got into regular arguments with my mom. And my mom and grandma wanted to throw me out because of it. We had a very loud argument my grandad who developed dementia witnessed the argument, tried to defend me and he died of a stroke this evening. My family blamed me for it. Since then I really struggle to spend time with my grandma. There was a time she wanted me to be the replacement of my grandfather. I just couldn't stomach that. All of this traumatized me. I also block out the death of my grandad. I am already so dysfunctional and suffer so much. My first traumatas take all my time. This traumata that happened afterwards is just faded out.
We never really talked about it. I also never got an apology for the abuse. But they stopped blaming me for the death of my grandad and I stopped blaming them for the abuse. I still struggle so much to spend time with them. It really hurts me. It is painful to me. It reminds me of my childhood where all of this started. I just cannot reset my brain. I don't blame them. Or at least I try. But I cannot do as if nothing of that happened. I think my grandma is hurt why I am able to spend so much time with my friends but not with her or in general with my family.
Honestly, I think my family is the root for most of my problems. I wish I had never been born. Or at least in a family that treats innocent children better. I am on the autism spectrum. I always have to mask with my family. Instead with my friends I can truly be myself. Spending time with my friends gives me joy, I am so thankful for them, it gives me resources, they are my lifeline, they stopped me from committing suicide (something my family doesn't even know), it helps me to cope. Instead with my family. It takes so much energy. It makes me feel so fucking uncomfortable. Probably because it reminds me of all my traumatas. And I don't know my grandma has so many children and so grandchildren. Why does she need me so much? When I am old (honestly I don't think I will become that old) no one will be there for me. No children will be there. I will have no family. I will be all alone. Not sure whether the connection with my friends will maintain. I just cannot give her more. Maybe this is a lame excuse. I have a guilty conscience that's sure. But I need to stay stable. There is no benefit when I am destabilized. I think my mom fears I might become acute suicidal again when this interesting woman rejects me. And this actually could happen. Or I feel close to a mixed manic-depressive episode and struggle to sleep without my addictive sleep medication. I don't feel like I can offer much more. I send her messages on her phone how much I love her and how thankful I am for her and how much I admire her. I also don't really get why she wants to spend more time with me. Maybe to make peace with me before dying. I already told them that I want to talk less about the past. And that I want to take her as a role model because she lived through so much hardship. But really I don't feel like I can spend much more time with her. I need to look for myself. So much bad stuff happpened lately. I could drown in sorrows. I think I have to set boundaries. I think spending time with my family just reminds me of all the traumatas. And I think it is not a feud with her. She is the family member I talk the most to besides my parents. I have way more contact with her than with my sister. I also don't like to spend time with my family because my family reminds me of my own flaws. I am like my family. And I don't like myself much. Honestly, what they did to me feels similar to a war crime. I can try to forgive them. But it doesn't change the fact that spending time with them triggers me to this day a lot.
I'm not doing well myself. I think she wants more contact with me. But I really struggle to spend time with my family. I was abused as a child by my mom on a regular basis and it made my life a living nightmare. Everyone looked away. And with 18 when I had my psychosis everyone pretended they didn't witness it. I know for a fact that they were aware of it. And no one intervened.
When I was 18 I started processing the abuse in therapy. I got into regular arguments with my mom. And my mom and grandma wanted to throw me out because of it. We had a very loud argument my grandad who developed dementia witnessed the argument, tried to defend me and he died of a stroke this evening. My family blamed me for it. Since then I really struggle to spend time with my grandma. There was a time she wanted me to be the replacement of my grandfather. I just couldn't stomach that. All of this traumatized me. I also block out the death of my grandad. I am already so dysfunctional and suffer so much. My first traumatas take all my time. This traumata that happened afterwards is just faded out.
We never really talked about it. I also never got an apology for the abuse. But they stopped blaming me for the death of my grandad and I stopped blaming them for the abuse. I still struggle so much to spend time with them. It really hurts me. It is painful to me. It reminds me of my childhood where all of this started. I just cannot reset my brain. I don't blame them. Or at least I try. But I cannot do as if nothing of that happened. I think my grandma is hurt why I am able to spend so much time with my friends but not with her or in general with my family.
Honestly, I think my family is the root for most of my problems. I wish I had never been born. Or at least in a family that treats innocent children better. I am on the autism spectrum. I always have to mask with my family. Instead with my friends I can truly be myself. Spending time with my friends gives me joy, I am so thankful for them, it gives me resources, they are my lifeline, they stopped me from committing suicide (something my family doesn't even know), it helps me to cope. Instead with my family. It takes so much energy. It makes me feel so fucking uncomfortable. Probably because it reminds me of all my traumatas. And I don't know my grandma has so many children and so grandchildren. Why does she need me so much? When I am old (honestly I don't think I will become that old) no one will be there for me. No children will be there. I will have no family. I will be all alone. Not sure whether the connection with my friends will maintain. I just cannot give her more. Maybe this is a lame excuse. I have a guilty conscience that's sure. But I need to stay stable. There is no benefit when I am destabilized. I think my mom fears I might become acute suicidal again when this interesting woman rejects me. And this actually could happen. Or I feel close to a mixed manic-depressive episode and struggle to sleep without my addictive sleep medication. I don't feel like I can offer much more. I send her messages on her phone how much I love her and how thankful I am for her and how much I admire her. I also don't really get why she wants to spend more time with me. Maybe to make peace with me before dying. I already told them that I want to talk less about the past. And that I want to take her as a role model because she lived through so much hardship. But really I don't feel like I can spend much more time with her. I need to look for myself. So much bad stuff happpened lately. I could drown in sorrows. I think I have to set boundaries. I think spending time with my family just reminds me of all the traumatas. And I think it is not a feud with her. She is the family member I talk the most to besides my parents. I have way more contact with her than with my sister. I also don't like to spend time with my family because my family reminds me of my own flaws. I am like my family. And I don't like myself much. Honestly, what they did to me feels similar to a war crime. I can try to forgive them. But it doesn't change the fact that spending time with them triggers me to this day a lot.
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