i still feel the same

[sillyprincessmeow]

I was getting better. I left that guy and got with a new one.. but honestly that made everything worse. I dont know if ive disclosed names but we will call the first boyfriend Apple and the second one Pear. I left Apple and i was okay.. i was still sad but i felt free. Pear, he wasnt a good choice though. He was too old and weird, honestly. Me and him had sex a few times but it was so disgusting and humiliating. Every time except one time, i was high. Afterwards i always felt gross and i didnt like it. I was his 7th body but he didnt even know how to fuck me. Every time i think of it i shiver, hes no where near as good as Apple. He couldnt even thrust in me and it was disappointing. I only knew him for about 2-3 weeks. Now i cant help but feel like i was taken advantage of. i was heartbroken and using and harming myself. This just happened in september. I went along with it when we did stuff but i never really liked it that much and i felt dirty and tired during and after. He was also really scary and weird. He could never hold a conversation or think outside of the box. He was too simple and unsympathetic. He was really upset when I left him, but not even a week later he got a new girl, and she looks so similar to me. Both of our names start with A, green eyes, brown hair, but tbh im better. Im not jealous at all because now im back with Apple, but i think its funny of how much a fake whore Pear is. He's already had 3 or 4 other girlfriends this year and hes cheated on one of them. I regret getting with him
I dont regret leaving Apple. during the time we werent together he was actually taking care of himself and being kind to me. We've been together for 3 weeks now i think. Time is a jumble. Hes still mean. Did i tell you guys about what he said to another girl? We will call her Musk.. Apple said to her ex boyfriend that he was gonna gang bang her because her boyfriend cheated on her, but shes also a whore and cheated on him too.
Now hes talking to another girl, Grape, and i know she likes him and he wont stop talking to her. Genuinely, im heartbroken all over. He doesnt listen to me and i wanna give up. My life seems to get worse and worse and i still havent processed most of it. I wanna kill myself. I need a gun, i dont wanna live anymore.
Apple continues to abuse me and i dont see a way out. I dont have any will to live anymore.
God, please take me out.