Venting I should've died when I was born

[Phosphate mate]

I should have died when I was born.

It should have happened yet didn't. Now I'm here and I have been here for 20 Ish years suffering in mental and physical anguish trying to hold down my sanity and a job.

There's people in this world that love me but god I couldn't tell any of this to the support group I go to or they'd ring the bell and have me catered away.

I feel like if I did it would be so selfish but I want is rest from this. I've had so many CBT sessions but NHS mental health is awful and I'm just here picking up fragments of myself and battling with internal guilt every day of my life.

I feel dashed across the floor in a million prices unable to socially click into place or seem normal in any way shape or form.

My vocal chords are giving in slowly and I'm worried I'll never speak again and I'll be back to permanent mutism for the rest of my life

I don't know what would make me happy honestly. I don't even remember what true happiness feels like. I just go by day in day out like an Automaton. Fuck you this isn't what life is meant to be surely not.

If it is?
I refuse to suffer as I can only take so much.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered for a long time, in my case I certainly wish I never existed, existence truly is so cruel and dreadful. But anyway best wishes.