Venting I should've died last year

[prettyclam]

Autumn is coming closer and with each day that passes, I'm reminded that I should've died before 2025 even began. Everyday afterwards feels like purgatory.

The plan was perfect. I had SN, threw away my belongings, and finalized my suicide note. I was so close to ctb but my dad ruined it. Out of nowhere, he yelled at me about how I have no future goals. Maybe if he didn't abuse me for my entire life then I would've had some, but now I'm a hopeless 19 year old retail worker.

You know how children pee themselves when they're too scared? The same thing happened to me, except my big mouth spilt my ctb plans. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't dish out another lie, another excuse. I already lied to him for months by saying that I would join the military. That lie was the only reason he let me live at home after graduation. Otherwise, I'd be homeless.

Ever since that day, I've felt like a ghost. I basically died already. Nothing has changed from then and now. If anything, its gotten worse. At least before I had a feasible ctb plan. Now, the exit is gone.

SN isn't obtainable in my country anymore. There's no high places nearby. I have no money to buy supplies because of the debt the mental hospital gave me. All that's left to try is hanging, which is my least preferred method. I'm in no position to be picky but I really don't want to hang. I can't free myself from this suffering. I'm stuck like a reflection behind a mirror. Everyone moves on but me.

My dad is now retired. My friends are getting better jobs and apartments. My girlfriend is entering her sophomore year of college. Meanwhile I'm the same person from last December.

I just want to die. Even if I could magically go to college, or get promoted, or win the lottery, I'd still want to die. Life doesn't have anything to show me. I've experienced nothing that's made me want to live. If I did die in December then I wouldn't have missed a thing. Everyday is the same monotonous routine, and whenever I do break it, it doesn't make me any less depressed or suicidal. This is simply who I am. A ghost. A nobody. A husk of a human whose soul is aimlessly floating through a void. If only it didn't retain my conciousness.

My 24 hours consists of crying, crying, and more crying because it'll never get better. I literally cannot think of a way to dig myself out of this grave. I'm in a physical and mental cage with no key. There are no coping skills that'll make the pain bearable. I've exhausted hobbies, hangouts, and people. I've sucked all of the love I can extract from my girlfriend who's only with me so I don't kill myself. I fidget, rip out my hair, and starve. Even cutting doesn't help. I have no outlet.

And recently, this website has been losing its potency too. I used to browse here like crazy, but the depression has gotten so powerful that scrolling doesn't relieve me anymore. This mental illness is unfixable, untreatable. It's terminal and I'm at stage 99. I wish depression were a "real" disease that could actually kill me. Death is a way better outcome than the white padded cell that is my life. Calling it a life is almost funny. How is my life equal to those who have passions, ambitions, and happiness? They're in another league I could only dream of. This can't be life. The one thing this could be is a nightmare.

 

[weallhaveourghosts]

I relate so much to this. Nothing is helping me anymore. Everyday is the same for me meanwhile everyone around me is living their lives and changing and I'm still stuck with the same brain still wanting to die years later. It's tiresome. People make it out like the cure to this is as simple as getting friends or whatever or going on walks and smiling. Like I could do all that and still want to die all the time. I have a roommate who literally slept on my floor to keep me from leaving to kill myself and I still want to die even though someone I know truly cares about me.

 

[r.m.216]

Autumn is coming closer and with each day that passes, I'm reminded that I should've died before 2025 even began. Everyday afterwards feels like purgatory.

The plan was perfect. I had SN, threw away my belongings, and finalized my suicide note. I was so close to ctb but my dad ruined it. Out of nowhere, he yelled at me about how I have no future goals. Maybe if he didn't abuse me for my entire life then I would've had some, but now I'm a hopeless 19 year old retail worker.

You know how children pee themselves when they're too scared? The same thing happened to me, except my big mouth spilt my ctb plans. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't dish out another lie, another excuse. I already lied to him for months by saying that I would join the military. That lie was the only reason he let me live at home after graduation. Otherwise, I'd be homeless.

Ever since that day, I've felt like a ghost. I basically died already. Nothing has changed from then and now. If anything, its gotten worse. At least before I had a feasible ctb plan. Now, the exit is gone.

SN isn't obtainable in my country anymore. There's no high places nearby. I have no money to buy supplies because of the debt the mental hospital gave me. All that's left to try is hanging, which is my least preferred method. I'm in no position to be picky but I really don't want to hang. I can't free myself from this suffering. I'm stuck like a reflection behind a mirror. Everyone moves on but me.

My dad is now retired. My friends are getting better jobs and apartments. My girlfriend is entering her sophomore year of college. Meanwhile I'm the same person from last December.

I just want to die. Even if I could magically go to college, or get promoted, or win the lottery, I'd still want to die. Life doesn't have anything to show me. I've experienced nothing that's made me want to live. If I did die in December then I wouldn't have missed a thing. Everyday is the same monotonous routine, and whenever I do break it, it doesn't make me any less depressed or suicidal. This is simply who I am. A ghost. A nobody. A husk of a human whose soul is aimlessly floating through a void. If only it didn't retain my conciousness.

My 24 hours consists of crying, crying, and more crying because it'll never get better. I literally cannot think of a way to dig myself out of this grave. I'm in a physical and mental cage with no key. There are no coping skills that'll make the pain bearable. I've exhausted hobbies, hangouts, and people. I've sucked all of the love I can extract from my girlfriend who's only with me so I don't kill myself. I fidget, rip out my hair, and starve. Even cutting doesn't help. I have no outlet.

And recently, this website has been losing its potency too. I used to browse here like crazy, but the depression has gotten so powerful that scrolling doesn't relieve me anymore. This mental illness is unfixable, untreatable. It's terminal and I'm at stage 99. I wish depression were a "real" disease that could actually kill me. Death is a way better outcome than the white padded cell that is my life. Calling it a life is almost funny. How is my life equal to those who have passions, ambitions, and happiness? They're in another league I could only dream of. This can't be life. The one thing this could be is a nightmare.

I am so sorry you guys are going through this.

 

[prettyclam]

I relate so much to this. Nothing is helping me anymore. Everyday is the same for me meanwhile everyone around me is living their lives and changing and I'm still stuck with the same brain still wanting to die years later. It's tiresome. People make it out like the cure to this is as simple as getting friends or whatever or going on walks and smiling. Like I could do all that and still want to die all the time. I have a roommate who literally slept on my floor to keep me from leaving to kill myself and I still want to die even though someone I know truly cares about me.

Day after day is torture. Like you said, doing random activities and being cared for doesn't help. It actually makes it worse because the things that make any normal person happy don't work on us. What's wrong is on the inside. It's like putting a bandage on a broken leg. Nothing cures depression this deep, at least, nothing that isn't dying. And I only think that because death can stop these thoughts for good unlike yoga or journaling lol

 

[weallhaveourghosts]

Day after day is torture. Like you said, doing random activities and being cared for doesn't help. It actually makes it worse because the things that make any normal person happy don't work on us. What's wrong is on the inside. It's like putting a bandage on a broken leg. Nothing cures depression this deep, at least, nothing that isn't dying. And I only think that because death can stop these thoughts for good unlike yoga or journaling lol

"It's like putting a bandage on a broken leg." I try telling people this all the time! Existence is simply painful. Waking up everyday is painful.

 

[bloominghopelessne]

I've grown used to this state over the years, but these unbearable feelings can't be endured forever. The pain is always there, and if it didn't exist, I don't see any reason to stay here. Existence itself is immense suffering, not to mention the energy wasted on basic necessities and on some additional activities that have no value for me. It's like with a pregnancy that some want to force a woman to keep if we ignore how the mother feels, then what will happen to the children? Who will take care of them? Where are all those people who fight for life then? The same applies to me who will live with me and look after me if I myself don't need me?