ctbcat
Yes, the everlasting contrast.
- Jul 14, 2023
- 183
there's no specific 'back then', just an everlooming force of... regret i suppose.
i'm sort of grateful i got to live for certain inconsequential things. but at the same time, the fact i lived through those just means my image has got more muddled and corrupted, a completely different image to what it would have been if i kept my word and died in august. i would've died quietly, back then. now i only desire to die loudly. to die as an inconvenience.
i let slip that my friend stopped me from killing myself last yr just by existing - we were just starting to become friends, and having someone to laugh with to alleviate some of that pain made me not restart my plans until around mid-december
i was only trying to share something sweet because she seemed down. it had the opposite effect, and now i'm tainted with guilt, because she did really save me, she did, but the desire came back in december, and ever since there's been the sworn desire to not live to see 2025, and now i feel like i've lied to her. now i feel like i've just let something slip that will increase her pain twofold, tenfold, whatever else...
i'm going to attempt in 2 weeks, but i'm seeing her for the (presumably) last time tomorrow.
i really fucking hate myself... i'm more trouble than i'm worth. and i'm going to die this way - pathetic and desperate to be remembered. that plea will go nowhere.
i'm sort of grateful i got to live for certain inconsequential things. but at the same time, the fact i lived through those just means my image has got more muddled and corrupted, a completely different image to what it would have been if i kept my word and died in august. i would've died quietly, back then. now i only desire to die loudly. to die as an inconvenience.
i let slip that my friend stopped me from killing myself last yr just by existing - we were just starting to become friends, and having someone to laugh with to alleviate some of that pain made me not restart my plans until around mid-december
i was only trying to share something sweet because she seemed down. it had the opposite effect, and now i'm tainted with guilt, because she did really save me, she did, but the desire came back in december, and ever since there's been the sworn desire to not live to see 2025, and now i feel like i've lied to her. now i feel like i've just let something slip that will increase her pain twofold, tenfold, whatever else...
i'm going to attempt in 2 weeks, but i'm seeing her for the (presumably) last time tomorrow.
i really fucking hate myself... i'm more trouble than i'm worth. and i'm going to die this way - pathetic and desperate to be remembered. that plea will go nowhere.
