Venting I should've been the one to die

[gimpyfairy]

I don't know why I'm even here anymore. My whole life I had nothing, I am nothing, I have no struggles, I am defective.
These useless medications that are supposed to do anything to help me and yet nothing has ever changed, I'm still just the worthless fuck up accident that should've never been born.
I ruined my parents' life, I quit on all of my friends, and I was not there for the one person that needed me.
I've achieved nothing, I tell myself that people don't need to achieve anything, but thats just because deep down I know that I have not done a single thing worth writing down in my worthless diary.
I drown in hobbies, I try to find anything that sparks a lick of emotion in me, I tried living abroad and even that opportunity was squandered because I have nothing in me, I'm just empty and no one sees me.
My mother looks at me and wonders if I'm crazy and if I should be treated like a person or a madman, my own mother can't look at me anymore.

Someone just make it end, I wish I could make it end, it doesn't stop, it just never stops it keeps going down and down and down and down and I can't stop falling I just can't do this

 

[EmptyBottle]

Hi... I have a few questions, if I may ask:
(only if comfortable answering... what medication was prescribed, and how long ago)?
What hobbies do you like?
(only if comfortable answering.... what made u feel that you ruined other's lives)?

 

[gimpyfairy]

Hi... I have a few questions, if I may ask:
(only if comfortable answering... what medication was prescribed, and how long ago)?
What hobbies do you like?
(only if comfortable answering.... what made u feel that you ruined other's lives)?

I've been on a lot of medications but my current ones Desvenlafaxine and Olanzapine with a prescribed kind of melatonin to help me sleep. I'm probably going to switch again this November cause they haven't really been working, I was also on other antipsychotics for example but they made me want to scratch my throat out among other side effects, so essentially its not that Olanzapine is the most effective medications we've tried, but its the one that hurts me the least.

The reason I feel like I ruined other people's lives is because I've never really been a positive influence. My mother often said I shouldn't have been born and that the only reason she is still with my father is because she feels responsible for me and that otherwise she could've had a great job in a big city etc etc. There's also two friends I had I wasn't there for when they needed me the most, and one of them is dead while the other said they would kill themselves and I never heard from them again. There's more but you get the gist. I always think that if I weren't born, they could've found someone better that could've done something, anything.

In terms of hobbies there's lots of stuff, at one point I even tried learning the lyre (why not a guitar, I don't know). Currently the big one is gaming, but I'm also into general literature, baking, brewing tea & coffee, writings, linguistics and more.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Ooo, thanks for replying... btw I have done some writing, here and elsewhere... and a long time ago, used the piano.

Unfortunately, I nearly lost a friend here to CTB, and rather than asking about them, I posted a camp journal, hoping it would buy time but they were "too busy ctbing", somehow survived and was rescued (not sure why they'd make certain... calls tho)... now considering recovery.

I have a feeling the CTB attempt was due to them leaving rehab, relapsing, and maybe regretting the relapse? Idk.

 

[58Alice85]

screw your parents, you did nothing wrong

 

[gimpyfairy]

screw your parents, you did nothing wrong

I used to feel bad for hating them but I'm trying to mend things with my mother. I'm just numb at this point. I do think I shouldn't have been born now and its deeply ingrained.

Thanks though

Ooo, thanks for replying... btw I have done some writing, here and elsewhere... and a long time ago, used the piano.

Unfortunately, I nearly lost a friend here to CTB, and rather than asking about them, I posted a camp journal, hoping it would buy time but they were "too busy ctbing", somehow survived and was rescued (not sure why they'd make certain... calls tho)... now considering recovery.

I have a feeling the CTB attempt was due to them leaving rehab, relapsing, and maybe regretting the relapse? Idk.

In my case they weren't on this site / we hadn't met through this site.

One of them I can guarantee they didn't want to CTB and only did it out of fear, the other had just gotten fired and was off medications. Selfishly, I could've forgiven myself if they made a decision they thought through, but they didn't, and if anyone other than me had been their friend, they would probably still be here.

 

[EmptyBottle]

One of them I can guarantee they didn't want to CTB and only did it out of fear, the other had just gotten fired and was off medications. Selfishly, I could've forgiven myself if they made a decision they thought through, but they didn't, and if anyone other than me had been their friend, they would probably still be here.

Tbh, even with other people as friends there is a high chance they would have CTB'd, coz when I made my attempt, I didn't even think of others

 

[gimpyfairy]

Tbh, even with other people as friends there is a high chance they would have CTB'd, coz when I made my attempt, I didn't even think of others

I'll never know.

 

[zizzou]

I used to feel bad for hating them but I'm trying to mend things with my mother. I'm just numb at this point. I do think I shouldn't have been born now and its deeply ingrained.

Thanks though


In my case they weren't on this site / we hadn't met through this site.

One of them I can guarantee they didn't want to CTB and only did it out of fear, the other had just gotten fired and was off medications. Selfishly, I could've forgiven myself if they made a decision they thought through, but they didn't, and if anyone other than me had been their friend, they would probably still be here.

I feel the same way about losing my wife. I wish she met someone else, I wish it wasnt me she had loved. I had taken up the responsibility without knowing what it truly meant. I wish I knew how to save a life and now I can't be bothered to save my own.