I want to go home
Apr 18, 2019
why did I ever think it was a good idea to join that server while she's there

I got a new account for it because I just didn't want to think about the past anymore, maybe I could forget the thoughts that lead me in this situation, but now with that new account, she doesn't know it's me, and she hasn't blocked me again
In fact it's worse because I've allowed her to interact thinking if I did I could forget better everything that happened, instead of telling her from the start like I should have done

If I tell her who I am now, she'll probably tell me to fuck off and die, and will hate me even more than she already does
or will leave the server and everyone will know it was bc of me
or maybe she'll just tell them what I said and nobody will want to even look at me, and every message I've sent will be looked at in disgust

But then if I don't tell her, when she inevitably figure out, she'll just think I'm even more of a fucking manipulative liar, and I can't take it anymore

…but, life, amirite? "things get better if you try"

even with months of trying and talking daily I barely feel any close to anyone on there, feels like they're all just acquaintances I know in passing
the only people I feel close to are fictional and it's killing me, I'll never meet them even if I die, they'll only ever love that idealised version of myself without all my illnesses

I'd just leave it if I could survive being alone, but I can't, or maybe I don't want to, but it's pushing me towards it, isn't it.

I don't even know if I should be telling you this considering I've not been active in this forum recently and I don't deserve attention anymore, but Reddit is a fucking joke and even just looking at my own username makes me sick, and therapy is too fucking expensive and also a joke

I wish I could just sleep and never wake up in this world again