I should do it(?)

[InezSerrano]

Sure, maybe I can recover and fix my mental issues, but I've been in and out of therapy since middle school and things have only gotten worse.
I know sometime in the next few years, I'll have to stop leeching off my family. I know, at least right now, its hard to do the bare minimum to continue existing, I can't imagine the effort it would take to stop being a NEET.
Now, I have no real friends, and limited contact with my family, so the pain caused by my suicide may be the lowest ever.
I have the Sodium Nirite, the antiemetic, I live alone. I have everything I need, and I don't know how long this situation this will continue.
It's not so much that I want to die, but that if I have to do more than lay in bed all day, I will, and I know soon I'll have to do more than this.
If I don't do it soon, I'm almost sure I will regret it.
I don't know if I should post this in Suicide Discussion or Recovery... :/

Edit: I'm not sure if it's worth it to note the only reason I'm not 100% suicidal is medication. Maybe I should just stop taking it and the decision is much easier?

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

If you are unsure, then it's not time. And no one else can tell you to stay or go. That is a decision you must make on your own.

I am a NEET, but I have a life. I collect a small disability pension and live with my husband. I can run errands a few times a week and see my doctors (I have a lot of them) a few times a month.

I think about going back to work, but I know that realistically I could never be somewhere on time regularly, let alone be a productive member of a team.

Are there any goals you could set for yourself that would be a start? I have just started to make my bed everyday even though I am in my 50s. I never had to do it as a child, so I never developed the routine until now. Even though it's a silly little thing, it's something I do now. It makes me feel more like a human being and that's a good feeling.

Can you set even a small goal to see what you can do?

 

[InezSerrano]

If you are unsure, then it's not time. And no one else can tell you to stay or go. That is a decision you must make on your own.

Well I worry I'll be trapped in a horrific life if I don't do it. In the future I main not have the option of either my current comfortable NEET life or a dignified death, my best option will likely be worse than either. My parents may decided they are tired of dealing with me or I may say the wrong thing and lose the freedom that allows me the option of a good death.

I am a NEET, but I have a life. I collect a small disability pension and live with my husband. I can run errands a few times a week and see my doctors (I have a lot of them) a few times a month.

This sounds nice.

I think about going back to work, but I know that realistically I could never be somewhere on time regularly, let alone be a productive member of a team.

Are there any goals you could set for yourself that would be a start? I have just started to make my bed everyday even though I am in my 50s. I never had to do it as a child, so I never developed the routine until now. Even though it's a silly little thing, it's something I do now. It makes me feel more like a human being and that's a good feeling.

Right now the main thing stopping me is anxiety and insomnia. No regular sleep and feeling horrible whenever I know people can see me prevents a lot of things. There is also a few other issues I don't care to write about now/here.

Can you set even a small goal to see what you can do?

Even just going to the store to get food or keeping myself and where I live clean is hard, but I'm not sure if this is a goal. I guess this is some degree of success, but I've been doing it mostly well for about two years, maybe longer I'm not sure. I used to do more on top of it, just small projects and stuff, a bit of work, used to go outside more, etc, but now anything more than this seems impossible. My capabilities are shrinking, not growing. I'm more and more suicidal not less, except for a decrease when I started medication.

Another factor that drives me to suicide is that I would have some very expensive surgery in the next year/year and a half, and if I suicide after that, I feel bad about wasting all those resources.

 

[Foresight]

My hot take on it is that you should wait until you regret having waited. That's the best time because then you can resolve the regret. If you feel you've gone too soon then there's no going back. There's 10-20 minutes of time to think after SN ingestion. My advice is to lay low, get some rest, give yourself time to be alone and assess your relationship with life and your circumstances. Know where your mind will be if you ctb. I don't know if that's right for everyone though. It's such a personal decision.

I've been at the most tragically beautiful point when suicide was the most logical answer. Most paths were closed and I'm not particularly a sucker for a nonstop tortured existence. At that point the option was so freeing. I guess I have a wish for people to feel that on the day they ctb and I fear second thoughts in myself and others. I like a level of certainty.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is your life and your decision after all and only you know what the right thing is for yourself. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I know that it can be a hopeless feeling when things just get worse. Having dread for the future can be awful, I know what that is like. Whatever happens, I wish you the best

 

[InezSerrano]

My hot take on it is that you should wait until you regret having waited. That's the best time because then you can resolve the regret. If you feel you've gone too soon then there's no going back. There's 10-20 minutes of time to think after SN ingestion. My advice is to lay low, get some rest, give yourself time to be alone and assess your relationship with life and your circumstances. Know where your mind will be if you ctb. I don't know if that's right for everyone though. It's such a personal decision.

I've been at the most tragically beautiful point when suicide was the most logical answer. Most paths were closed and I'm not particularly a sucker for a nonstop tortured existence. At that point the option was so freeing. I guess I have a wish for people to feel that on the day they ctb and I fear second thoughts in myself and others. I like a level of certainty.

I just worry I will regret it, but won't have the chance to do it when I regret it. Thanks, so it's 10-20 minutes after taking SN?

It is your life and your decision after all and only you know what the right thing is for yourself. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I know that it can be a hopeless feeling when things just get worse. Having dread for the future can be awful, I know what that is like. Whatever happens, I wish you the best

Thank you.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Even just going to the store to get food or keeping myself and where I live clean is hard, but I'm not sure if this is a goal. I guess this is some degree of success, but I've been doing it mostly well for about two years, maybe longer I'm not sure. I used to do more on top of it, just small projects and stuff, a bit of work, used to go outside more, etc, but now anything more than this seems impossible. My capabilities are shrinking, not growing. I'm more and more suicidal not less, except for a decrease when I started medication.

Another factor that drives me to suicide is that I would have some very expensive surgery in the next year/year and a half, and if I suicide after that, I feel bad about wasting all those resources.

To me, these are huge goals. I am very lucky that my husband does all of the tough stuff: the shopping, the housekeeping (and we have a pretty high tolerance for mess around here, lol) and I shower 2-3 times a week at best.

I also participate in a fitness challenge group and always encourage people to walk 100 steps a day as a start. There are lots of people in the group who run 10 miles or more per day, but that's just not realistic for most people. If you're starting in a dark place, the 100 steps can feel impossible, but maybe just attainable enough.

What HindshightIs2020 said is great. I wish I'd thought of it. It would be great to regret it by just a bit, and still be able to do what I need to do to have control over my passing.

As for the surgery, I would not worry about that. If the resources were that severely limited, they would require you to prove mental fitness before your procedure, like with organ donation. It's okay to take something for yourself, even if it's just for a little while.

 

[whatevs]

I dunno about about others but my issue with overcoming NEETism is that you need to have motivation and goals, and I am really short on these. If you can get these, you will be fine, if you don't, CTB or just a miserable life awaits.

Especially when you deal with severe physical or mental disease it's hard to muster the energy to try to be a productive adult, since that is hard enough already but at least healthy people have extra energy after work to obtain social and physical pleasures.