meowmix
"Welcome home!"
- Feb 4, 2024
- 19
I think im over
It's been 2 months. I never went into class. Ever. Lied to my mom about going to school and stuff. She found out eventually, tried to talk things out to me. Reason why I never went into class? The whole school campus makes me extremely anxious and suicidal. Everyone there, students, teachers, staff etc. Looked at me funny. There were the nurses in the clinic that tried to help me. I mean they did Help me, but that was when I cut myself on the arm multiple times till the fats showed. Guidance counselor was there too, she tried to help me. Still, every single person whose trying to help me Keeps urging me to just Keep Going to School. School is hell for me. It's not that it's difficult. It's actually really tame. It's just that the people there absolutely hate everything about me. They hate my guts, I'll hate theirs too. They don't include me in group projects, well whatever I Won't Participate then. I keep ignoring everyone because every one of them would look at me funny whenever I try to socialise. Other batch mates would make fun of me, play me into some childish prank and repeat my words like it's a joke. Okay, now what did I do about that? Nothing. Literally nothing. I didn't go to school, instead I went to my boyfriend's house every single time I had to go. I would just spend the entire day sleeping there in his room, and smoke half a pack of cigarettes. Maybe even more than that. Then in the middle of it all, I had an idea. What if, I start an art business. What if I sell my art? And so, I tried. Advertised everywhere, discord, twitter, tiktok, reddit, every single place I could think of. Still, nothing. I've been on discord for days, staying up till 4 am in my timezone to wait for western clients to offer some money for the services. Still nothing. I do draw for Fun, I guess. That's all. Everything that's happening right now is scaring me. I am scared. The only thing I looking forward to is seeing my boyfriend again. Because then I would have no worry. He would take it all away. But I am here in reality. This is the real world, right? I don't know what's so real about anxiety and suicidality. By psychology standards, those are psychotic, delusional thoughts. I've tried killing myself multiple times already. I've contemplated even more than that. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to make my boyfriend sad by killing myself to escape this thing that's much smaller in scale of how much I love him. I don't know. I don't think feeling this way is necessary for being educated in a supposed supportive institution. In a supposed homey environment. Right now and a million more times before, I wish I should've jumped off that fucking bridge. I was too picky. The distance from the river was too short for me to die. It would probably just break my spine. Tomorrow, I have to go and take a test on my school. I have to. They said. I Have To. I don't Want to. I want to run. I want to scream. I want to die. I want to escape, get out of here. I just want to be in a peaceful, quiet place. In a lovely place with my future husband. I want to be at peace. But tomorrow, more like in the next 3 hours. By 6 30 am I have to go. I don't want to. Help me. Someone help me.
It's been 2 months. I never went into class. Ever. Lied to my mom about going to school and stuff. She found out eventually, tried to talk things out to me. Reason why I never went into class? The whole school campus makes me extremely anxious and suicidal. Everyone there, students, teachers, staff etc. Looked at me funny. There were the nurses in the clinic that tried to help me. I mean they did Help me, but that was when I cut myself on the arm multiple times till the fats showed. Guidance counselor was there too, she tried to help me. Still, every single person whose trying to help me Keeps urging me to just Keep Going to School. School is hell for me. It's not that it's difficult. It's actually really tame. It's just that the people there absolutely hate everything about me. They hate my guts, I'll hate theirs too. They don't include me in group projects, well whatever I Won't Participate then. I keep ignoring everyone because every one of them would look at me funny whenever I try to socialise. Other batch mates would make fun of me, play me into some childish prank and repeat my words like it's a joke. Okay, now what did I do about that? Nothing. Literally nothing. I didn't go to school, instead I went to my boyfriend's house every single time I had to go. I would just spend the entire day sleeping there in his room, and smoke half a pack of cigarettes. Maybe even more than that. Then in the middle of it all, I had an idea. What if, I start an art business. What if I sell my art? And so, I tried. Advertised everywhere, discord, twitter, tiktok, reddit, every single place I could think of. Still, nothing. I've been on discord for days, staying up till 4 am in my timezone to wait for western clients to offer some money for the services. Still nothing. I do draw for Fun, I guess. That's all. Everything that's happening right now is scaring me. I am scared. The only thing I looking forward to is seeing my boyfriend again. Because then I would have no worry. He would take it all away. But I am here in reality. This is the real world, right? I don't know what's so real about anxiety and suicidality. By psychology standards, those are psychotic, delusional thoughts. I've tried killing myself multiple times already. I've contemplated even more than that. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to make my boyfriend sad by killing myself to escape this thing that's much smaller in scale of how much I love him. I don't know. I don't think feeling this way is necessary for being educated in a supposed supportive institution. In a supposed homey environment. Right now and a million more times before, I wish I should've jumped off that fucking bridge. I was too picky. The distance from the river was too short for me to die. It would probably just break my spine. Tomorrow, I have to go and take a test on my school. I have to. They said. I Have To. I don't Want to. I want to run. I want to scream. I want to die. I want to escape, get out of here. I just want to be in a peaceful, quiet place. In a lovely place with my future husband. I want to be at peace. But tomorrow, more like in the next 3 hours. By 6 30 am I have to go. I don't want to. Help me. Someone help me.
