Venting I shave all my hair and now i don't know what to think

[montanatype]

I had my dreads for 3 years and decided to shave myself. It was a pretty difficult decision, but it was necessary. I've always felt a certain nervousness about my age and feeling like my life could pass me by without being comfortable or living it. I felt somewhat comfortable with my hair, but honestly, I went through a lot + it was damaged + it wasn't the way I wanted it.
But I don't know... now I feel empty. Sure, I can wait for it to grow, but how confident am I that I won't throw everything away? If I hadn't cut my hair, I probably would have continued to feel comfortable and obsessively contemplate suicide on a daily basis.
I probably wouldn't have been able to move forward, but waiting months, years to have it the way I want it is weird.

But I guess it's all part of loving myself.

I'm just tired.
I'm 21 and a half years old; But every day feels like survival, and thinking about it all makes me want to cry

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You still have time if you decide you want to stay and grow your hair out again.

 

[montanatype]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You still have time if you decide you want to stay and grow your hair out again.

I guess, I think you're right, but I've apparently lost the ability to wait.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I guess, I think you're right, but I've apparently lost the ability to wait.

What's got you feeling this way? I know I wanted to die at your age and yet I'm still here a decade later, still thinking about dying. Idk, time just keeps on passing.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I've done this 3 times now in my life. Each time I did it entirely on impulse because I felt so fucking ugly despite everybody always complimenting my hair. If I had kept it growing it'd probably be really long, and now I completely regret ever doing it. I've been growing it for about a year now, so it's getting back there. I'm getting compliments on it again which does make me feel good in the moment, but later in the day when I look in the mirror I honestly just want to decapitate myself.