𝐘𝐨ñ𝐥𝐮
Everything i want for life is death
- Apr 16, 2023
- 48
I heard about her again; it's been almost four years since I last saw her. I really thought I was over her, but apparently I'm not. A mutual friend put me on a Discord server she was in, and even seeing her profile makes me think about killing myself again. WHAT I NEED TO DO! Seriously, they gave me a break, I went to therapy, took my meds, played sports, went out, and all that other nonsense. I don't even think it was about her; I didn't even want to be with her, but this shitty feeling won't go away, FUCK. Was I trying to find something in her that I don't have? Didn't know how to accept affection? Was I a terrible person? What nonsense should I believe now, I don't even know anymore. I hear people my age getting everything I want, one of my high school friends had fun, another has a daughter now. Damn, I didn't even finish college! The worst part is that I have reasons not to do KMs. I have a newer system, my mom, but I really don't know how much of this feeling I can handle anymore. I've tried everything I could, I'm fine for a few weeks or less, and then it's shitty again. I've gone 9 months without SH, and almost every week I have a day or more where I'm about to cut myself again. I have myself, and I feel ashamed even when I read this post in my head. I actually, even if only for a moment, fantasize about her seeing this and us starting to talk again. LOL. 60% of the time my BPD and depression are kicking me, and I feel like shit, and the other 40% of the time my ASPD is fucking me up, and I'm fantasizing about killing and worse. I don't know why I'm like this. Was it my neglectful father? Being molested as a child? Just bad luck, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like an idiot, like a brainless programmer who can't do anything, I don't know if my ASPD diagnosis was correct, if I was actually molested, raped, or if it's just something I think happened, or if I'm just an ATT whore. Useless being, useless life, useless mind that does useless shit. Thanks for reading this, so as a thank you, here's a good song I like. GN
