Toobrokentofix
Experienced
- Jul 7, 2020
- 229
I screwed up last Monday night. Took SN in a really impulsive state of rage at myself for being an incapable, rubbish excuse for a human being. I didn't follow the protocol. I stared weighing it. Had some water. A clump fell on to my scales. It only weighed 2g and I just dropped it straight onto my tongue n swallowed it. I'd not eaten for a long time, but hadn't done anything else to prepare and didn't take enough. I didn't plan to ctb until the following Mon (tomorrow) and feel like I was just trying to f myself up a bit. I had swallowed a gram the night before and a similar, unmeasured amount the night before. Had had diarrhoea and worst headache ever. But this time I felt my heart race immediately and had increasing shortness of breath. Within 10 minutes my oximeter said my o2 levels were below 90% and at 20 minutes I starting sweating profusely and shaking n feeling faint. Though I needed to go to the toilet and then collapsed on the floor and struggled to find strength to get back up n crawl to my bed. I panicked. This was not my plan... I have benzos and antiemetics and omeprazole and pain killers. I needed the proper dose. I needed to be out of the house so my adult kids didn't find my body. I didn't have the ability to leave the house unaided anymore and felt really unwell and terrified. My 17 year old saw me n said I looked really ill and was grey. I said I felt I was sick but would be ok. He left me and I called 111. They said they'd send an ambulance but 20 mins later it hadn't arrived and I knew I needed to get out fast because however hard I'd breathe I felt like I couldn't get my any air. I felt like I was slowly suffocating and I had huge fear. I was smothered twice as a young child whilst being abused, in order to shut me up and it totally triggered me. My older son came in and I told him I had taken something n was struggling to breathe. His BF called an ambulance which arrived about 15 mins later. My o2 was dropping <80 and I don't really remember much of the paramedics arriving and taking me to hospital except their sense of urgency and trying to get me to move. I was blue lighted to the ED where I went raced into straight to several consultants wqiting for me in resus. They worked on me for around 5 hours. Lots of people were coming in and out and I felt I knew alot more about SN than they did. They kept digging in my arm taking arterial and venus blood gasses. I was on full flow oxygen but my SATS were still dropping. They put 2 cannulas doing ultrasounds in my arms. One had glucose and fluids i think and the other methylene blue. That IV was really fast. It was painful. After a while I started coming round and they said I looked such a healthier colour. I stayed on oxygen for another couple hours before being taken to assessment unit for close observation. They took my SN away obviously and told me I had been very lucky!!! I thought it might be a wake up call. Maybe I want to live... dying was incredibly frightening and unpleasant. But within 2 days I was just devastated that I'd fucked up like that. Done a completely half arsed job of taking SN. Used it in the moment like I use self harm or something. I have ordered more SN but now I'm really scared of using it as a method. I know if I did it right it would've been far quicker before I passed out properly. Hopefully without feeling like a fish out of water slowly suffocating! I'm pathetic. I feel like at this point even my psych nurse probably just wishes I would do it properly and put everyone out of their misery. I have been admitted to the ED 7 times in last 12 months and I feel like a huge failure 
Maybe I deserve to suffer my stupid brain for another 40 years but I can't stand that thought.
Maybe I deserve to suffer my stupid brain for another 40 years but I can't stand that thought.
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I'm so tired of fucking everything up. Fuck up at life and at death
