I ruined my mother's birthday.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

This has apparently been going on for years, and I was the only one who didn't notice.

I have this awful habit of being a complete jerk during special moments, sometimes over very small things without even realizing it. Today, I ended up saying something way too loud at a table full of people. My mother looked at me with a "speak quieter" face, and I think I got annoyed with myself and took it out on her.

Overall, it was a mess. I tried to keep my distance so I wouldn't be rude by accident, and that ended up being rude.

She got fed up with all of this and doesn't want to celebrate her own birthdays anymore. I feel like not celebrating any more for myself either, but I don't want to make it about me. We ended up talking about everything that happened (me, her, my stepfather, and a friend of mine) And I admitted that I messed up a lot.

I don't think it's enough to fix everything. And I feel guilty for wanting to kill myself over something like this. For feeling so intensely and making it all about me.

This is exhausting and makes me want to give up on treatment, which is ironic after I've come so far.

I feel like I shouldn't give up now. Even if not for me, for them.

 

[Arvayn]

It's not so black and white as "fixed" and "not fixed", in my opinion. The fact that you're self-aware of your habits and also have the ability to feel upset over it is actually a good sign; it means you are thinking about the other person instead of yourself. You clearly care. Even your mistake was made with good intentions; that matters for something.
You talked about it, and you admitted your thoughts to her. Now, it's out of your control whether you're forgiven or not (which you probably will be, considering she's your mother, but I do not know), but you've fulfilled your end of the social contract and shown your good will.
I sympathize with you, and you have my support for trying to change. It's not something to be upset about that you're making sure this doesn't happen again. If you want to keep going, keep going!