Venting I resent people who have friends

[dragonofenvy]

This isn't to say I don't have friends. I do, but they don't feel like friends. They only time they talk to me is when they're bored and want to play a video game, and even then it's only when I initiate it first. That's it. They don't talk to me because they like having conversations with me. They never reach out to me to do anything. Everything feels one-sided. I have a friend group that makes me feel like I'm alone. I don't know if I wish they'd just cut me off or not either, because then at least I wouldn't feel the envy and resentment I have towards them.

I think about it a lot. I only ever exchange a couple words here and there per week. I get excited when I see one of the few notifications on my phone per week, only to realize it's just bills being paid, or a modding discord server I'm in making an update announcement. When I was in school I used to count how many words I exchanged with others per day. Unfortunately, I had to start counting per week. 9 per week if you were wondering.

So when I hear them talking about hanging out with friends, going on trips to Disney World with 20 people, going to amusement parks, going on dates, going to parties, or even just sitting in a call together and talking, I can't help but feel resentment towards them, and hatred to myself for being unable to be like them. They talk about it so casually, the thing that I dream about, having real friends, feeling like someone genuinely cares about me, and being liked enough that someone wants to be around me. For them it's so normal as to be mundane. Meanwhile, I lay awake at night mired in depressive thoughts about how alone I was in my childhood, and now my adulthood, while having to listen to people I know talk about how overwhelming it is to try to keep up with how many things they do with people they love.

Most frustrating to me, is how I'm bullied constantly for not having friends. For being the loner loser who can't get their life together. Funny how the people who claim that we have a mental health crisis in the west, and that people need to be more empathetic and caring for one another, seem to have no qualms doing the opposite with me. Why? Because they can get away with it. I can't push back because they can simply cut me off and move onto other friend groups. Whenever there's a conflict I do my best to try to resolve it, capitulating even if I think I don't think it's right for me to do so. I've done this so many times, tried to be nice, and admitted wrongdoing when I fucked up. Yet I'm still punished for it. For some reason nothing I do is reciprocated, and I have to sit there and have them remind me how I'll never be like them. I'll always be the friendless loser.

I know that it is at least partially my fault. When it comes to relationships, I am the common denominator, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Now, even if I'm presented with the opportunity I don't think I'll take it. I'm so used to things going badly, to fucking something up, that it's easier to protect myself rather than feel the pain I'm so used to feeling. Yet still I sit at night feeling a longing for connection, and resentment for those who have it.

I want to do something about it. I want to fix it. I know I'll never get my childhood back, but I don't want to spend my entire adulthood alone as well. I'm just so tired of this. Every single day it's the same, but I don't know what to do. I've spent my whole life alone that I'm convinced that this is how it's meant to me. I'm nothing more than a punching bag for people who are successful. I've exhausted every option I could think of and what people have told me. There's only one option left, and I'm too much of a pussy to take it.

 

[ipmanwc0]

This has been exactly my experience too

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

I can relate, as I'm sure you know. I feel resentful of people who are adjusted better socially. Or maybe put, I feel resentment because of that, not that it is necessarily targeted at them. Wanting to have something someone else has for yourself doesn't necessarily mean you don't want other people to enjoy that too.

I understand how seeing it all around you, so close yet so eternally out of reach, is maddening.

Friend is a very vague word in English and covers a variety of relationships under its umbrella. You want intimacy and belonging, you deserve intimacy and belonging, but those relationships don't provide that. It's understandable to prefer to unsatisfying relationships to solitude.

I don't think you should give up. There are people with varying degrees of conventionality, sometimes pretty normal, out there who are willing to be friends with more unconventional people, generally as long as we are engaged with life to some degree and are somewhat positive. If you don't have truly detrimental interpersonal flaws then a trite as it sounds just being your authentic core self is the way to go and let the chips fall where they go. For example come to stop caring so much if I'm perceived as weird because I know my heart is in the right place. It doesn't sound like you were responsible for all the social problems. Sometimes you can do everything right and it just isn't enough for reasons external to you you may never get clarity on.

 

[dragonofenvy]

If you don't have truly detrimental interpersonal flaws then a trite as it sounds just being your authentic core self is the way to go and let the chips fall where they go.

That hasn't worked for me. The only time in my life when I had a brief friendship was when I put on a mask. When I look at myself from an outside perspective, and ask the question "Would I be friends with me?" The answer is always no. I've met some people who were similar to me, and I disliked them. There's a saying where if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're the one who's the asshole. Even knowing this, I still don't know what to do to become likeable. I don't know what's my fault and what isn't. All I know is that while nearly everyone has told me that it is 100% my fault, I know it's not true. I don't know if it's 80/20, or 20/80. Even if I did, I still wouldn't know how to move forward.

Social skills are not innate. They are taught during your childhood. By your parents, your teachers and your peers. I can't even get past "Hi, how's it going?" when I talk to someone. This is probably because I spent nearly all of my life with nobody but myself. The way I learned what I have now is from spending all of my time in school watching others, seeing how they interact, and trying to copy them. After all, if they're successful, wouldn't following them be logical?

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

That hasn't worked for me.

It sounds like at least some of what you're alluding to are examples of the aforementioned "detrimental interpersonal flaws" that require improvement.

The answer is always no.

What specifically leads you to that answer?

I've met some people who were similar to me, and I disliked them.

What traits of yours did you see reflected in other people that made you dislike them?

It's okay, they're prying questions that you don't have to answer.

My main point was that, and I trust that you know I'm not bullshitting you, was among the socially adjusted, NT majority there are those who are willing to be accepting and accommodating towards autistic social differences, our awkwardness and weirdness and gaffes.

But I understand, my social problems and their many ramifications are at the root of why I want out of here too.

 

[diospyros.kaki]

Social skills are not innate. They are taught during your childhood. By your parents, your teachers and your peers. I can't even get past "Hi, how's it going?" when I talk to someone. This is probably because I spent nearly all of my life with nobody but myself. The way I learned what I have now is from spending all of my time in school watching others, seeing how they interact, and trying to copy them. After all, if they're successful, wouldn't following them be logical?

exactly what you said here. they're not innate, they're skills you have to practice to get better at. you could look up social skills categories and see what are the ones you struggle w the most and then try ways to practice them. it can be painful? for sure. heaven knows how much i still struggle w them and how many relationships i destroyed by the lack of these skills. but you can start small by observing how others act after the "how it's going" and trying yourself. small talk can be your friend while you practice this. putting yourself in social situations (eg work, school, courses, art fairs etc) can help too.

all that said i just want to reiterate that i understand it's hard and painful being rejected and not reaching the level of social skills you or other people expect from you instantly. but the only way to get better at them is to practice it.

 

[dragonofenvy]

What specifically leads you to that answer?

What traits of yours did you see reflected in other people that made you dislike them?

I'm a boring person. I don't have any hobbies. I live in my own bubble and don't find many things worth talking about. I also have difficulty articulating thoughts. For example, in my head my response to you is insightful, but as I'm writing it the insightfulness is fading and I'm growing more confused to the point where I don't know what to say anymore and am just typing whatever I happen to type. I do that a lot in interactions with people at work, etc. where I'll think of a witty response to something only to have my mind blank as I'm speaking it.

I can be very blunt and gruff, and often enjoy offensive humor since I don't like it when people police what I say (though I will respect their wishes should they ask) which is off-putting to most people. Hence why I don't act authentically, which people notice. It's funny because I always claim to be a very honest person yet put on an act to try to get them to like me since being authentic has never worked, while the mask has.

I think what I disliked about other people which I dislike in myself is how mundane they and I were. I guess I want deeper or more fun conversations rather than the samey and safe conversations most people have. Whenever someone talks to me I have a difficult time caring about anything they're saying, and I assume they don't care about what I'm saying as well which may or may not be true. Another thing is when you come across someone who's quiet as a quiet person yourself, you can't really get anywhere with them unless you're participating in some kind of activity/cooperative task. That's usually the only time I do interact with people because then it's OK to have long periods of silence.

aforementioned "detrimental interpersonal flaws" that require improvement.

I'm aware that there are flaws with myself. If there wasn't flaws I wouldn't be having problems. What are those flaws? I probably wouldn't be able to tell you right now. I've been able to see them before but I'm currently not in a state to see them now.

but the only way to get better at them is to practice it.

I know. Unfortunately there's a paralysis that happens when you've tried and failed so many times, especially when everyone else seems to do it so easily, or when they bully you because of your inability to hold conversations like others can. This sank my self-esteem and confidence to rock bottom after years of experiencing it. It's hard to summon the willpower to try again.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

I'm aware that there are flaws with myself. If there wasn't flaws I wouldn't be having problems. What are those flaws? I probably wouldn't be able to tell you right now. I've been able to see them before but I'm currently not in a state to see them now.

I know, I was clarifying my idea the best thing to be is yourself. I didn't mean to imply that therefore nothing about you needs to be or is worth working on.

You just mentioned some problems though I don't think they rise to the level of "flaws". That's more if like you truly act like an asshole, that kind of thing. I can relate to conversations being hellish.

Hence why I don't act authentically, which people notice. It's funny because I always claim to be a very honest person yet put on an act to try to get them to like me since being authentic has never worked, while the mask has.

So people pick up on your inauthenticity but that works better than not even if people can tell you're not being yourself?

It's funny but not fairly called inconsistent because practical reasons compel us as autistic people to try to conform to some degree.

I think what I disliked about other people which I dislike in myself is how mundane they and I were. I guess I want deeper or more fun conversations rather than the samey and safe conversations most people have. Whenever someone talks to me I have a difficult time caring about anything they're saying, and I assume they don't care about what I'm saying as well which may or may not be true. Another thing is when you come across someone who's quiet as a quiet person yourself, you can't really get anywhere with them unless you're participating in some kind of activity/cooperative task. That's usually the only time I do interact with people because then it's OK to have long periods of silence.

Well if you are palpably indifferent to what other people say then of course that will be a problem. You long for connection but mutual interest is one of the foundations for that. Not everything is going to enthralling for you but if it's someone you want to have a relationship with then you can find interest in things by virtue of them being important to that person. As well as learn to hide it better, to some degree lol.

 

[Blo0d_doll]

Idk if its to late, but if u want we can be friend!! Let me know

 

[dragonofenvy]

Idk if its to late, but if u want we can be friend!! Let me know

I appreciate you reaching out. I'm sorry, but I think I'm still too afraid to open myself up to people and allowing that degree of trust. It's funny how I can resent people with friends, yet still deny myself them, isn't it? I've never been good at relationships, and after talking to someone else about it I know why. Perhaps something could work, but I have so much anxiety surrounding the idea that it is preventing me from taking the step forward. I'm aware of it, but still don't try to fight it. Maybe if we interact on this site more we can see where it goes afterwards. To me, this feels like going from 0 to 50 in a second, and I'd rather go from 0 to 20. Plus I've had a bad experience with outside communication with someone on this site. It's nothing against you, the problems lie solely with me.

 

[Blo0d_doll]

first of all, srry for my bad english but its not my first language so..yk.
Anyways, you don t have to open yourself now, we can like umh, talk in general or something like that, if u want i can open myself first. Im not good in relationship too so don't worry if its the problem. And thank u for texting back :)

 

[dragonofenvy]

first of all, srry for my bad english but its not my first language so..yk.
Anyways, you don t have to open yourself now, we can like umh, talk in general or something like that, if u want i can open myself first. Im not good in relationship too so don't worry if its the problem. And thank u for texting back :)

Give me until tomorrow to let my anxious feelings pass, and then I'll send you a DM. How does that sound? If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. It can at least be practice for both of us.

 

[Blo0d_doll]

Sound good!!
Take ur time..I wait for you to dm me

 

[LetMeOut67]

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock I am an island
Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

 

[dragonofenvy]

Sound good!!
Take ur time..I wait for you to dm me

I opened a PM with you. I won't be able to chat tonight though, but should be able to later.

 

[Moniker]

Funny how the people who claim that we have a mental health crisis in the west, and that people need to be more empathetic and caring for one another, seem to have no qualms doing the opposite with me

Most people who say these things conveniently do not consider themselves part of the problem.

 

[MephiticShadow]

This has always been my experience too. I gave up on ever having friends

 

[ohsosleepy]

I feel this too. This jealousy of others who seem to effortlessly connect with other people. It's easier said than done than to just "put yourself out there" and learn social skills later than others. It's terrifying. Even when I make the effort to try to build relationships, it just feels like there's something inherently wrong with me that makes it so that these relationships never grow past a certain point.