Venting I resent my partner for making me get better

[d-tea]

I don't know why I tend to "relish in misery". Baseline, a normal, happy life, doesn't seem to satisfy me. I crave intense feelings, good or bad; something inside of me seems to hate stability for some reason. Which leads to a lot of self sabotage. I make an active effort to work against that, because I want my partner to be happy, but I miss when we both used to let it go and sort of suffer together. All kinds of feelings were just more intense, and I felt more understood. We used to talk about a lot of stuff all night, and now they just sort of block everything bad and don't really respond to anything negative I want to get out; like they don't want to hear it.
I don't want them to be in a bad state of mind, I'm very much glad they're better, but a part of me really misses that time. I don't want to live like this.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I relate to this. I need intense feelings too and end up ruining everything when nothing intense is happening. I've stopped expressing my negative thoughts and feelings to my partner because they just frantically try to make me stop feeling these bad things. I hope you can find another way to get the satisfaction if you want

 

[LaughingGoat]

That's a tough situation to be in and it's good you have an understanding of the dichotomy of your emotions. It sounds like you already know the direction you would need to work towards to get to a healthy relationship in that sense so won't badger you with advice if just venting.