I relapsed today :(

[DumbOnlineGirl]

Hi all <3
Today has been truly horrific, my abusive mother stopped taking her pills and it tore the family apart today.
So ofc when I got home I bought vodka (I rarely drink), cigarettes (I don't smoke) and relapsed into cutting myself again.
So now I have to try to get my self-destructive impulses under control again. It sucks.
Has anyone else done this weird cigarette thing? I feel like a freak for randomly getting drunk and smoking at 24 to deliberately harm my insides.
Any advice for getting clean of sh again? I hadn't done it in like a year.
Thanks for reading my weird vent post. Hopefully I can get some kind words and advice.

Thank you x

 

[CentreMid]

First off, I'm very proud of you for being clean for that long! I have a self-harm addiction and hoo boy it isn't easy staying clean!

On a more serious note, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't offer much advice about the drinking or smoking, but sometimes, when I want to cut but am unable to, I snap a rubber band around my wrist. The marks left behind look like scars, plus theyre temporary so it's a good thing in case there are people around who may not treat your issues so kindly.

Take care. Sending you a virtual hug if you'd like :)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry to hear that you had a relapse. It sounds like the circumstances were exceptionally difficult and would have tested anyone. It's understandable you wanted to cope with them as best you could. But just because you had a relapse doesn't mean you were sent all the way back to the bottom. When you tried to quit cutting before what kinds of strategies did you use?

 

[AnonymousRobin]

Hi all <3
Today has been truly horrific, my abusive mother stopped taking her pills and it tore the family apart today.
So ofc when I got home I bought vodka (I rarely drink), cigarettes (I don't smoke) and relapsed into cutting myself again.
So now I have to try to get my self-destructive impulses under control again. It sucks.
Has anyone else done this weird cigarette thing? I feel like a freak for randomly getting drunk and smoking at 24 to deliberately harm my insides.
Any advice for getting clean of sh again? I hadn't done it in like a year.
Thanks for reading my weird vent post. Hopefully I can get some kind words and advice.

Thank you x

im sorry you had to go through that :( i have a similar story which made me sh again after over a year, it feels bad but it does get a but better and you dont always feel the urge to do it like before (in my experience)

i have also experienced the strange cigarette thing, ive never smoked and yet recently ive had the very strong urge to buy them and smoke them despite not liking them

 

[Shadowlord900]

I've also eaten and drank poorly before with the intention of harming my own body. Never tried smoking and never want to, just the smell from other people smoking alone is nasty enough to put me off from wanting to smoke.

I get we need to do things that help de-stress ourselves, but I can't recommend doing it going over the top with smoking, drinking alcohol or drinking caffeine. That last one would set me down a spiraling path of all kinds of physical health problems that I'm trying my best to stop it from getting any worse, but it only just makes me want to CTB even more now than I used to.

Only advice I can think of giving to help overcome SH urges is to find a hobby, doesn't need to be anything big, just something to help distract your mind from negative thoughts. Admittedly it is easier said than done though, I'd have never been suicidal to begin with if that wasn't the case.

 

[Sulyya]

I would say post in Recovery with your goals - it sounds like that is what you are looking for after this very deserved vent.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. When I was depressed I slept with other people compulsively, gave away money, tried to sever every connection with people that I could, gave up on exercise, eating well, school etc. I was so convinced I was going to die that I self-destructed to "make sure" I wouldn't come back or feel the instinct to salvage my life. The worst part was that whenever someone tried to help me, I wanted to self-destruct even more in front of them so that they would understand how I was feeling.

Is that why you think you're self-harming deep down, or for some other reason? I always when I feel the urge to self-destruct tell myself: eventually you WILL snap out of this and you'll have hospital bills, schoolwork to catch up on, no friends etc. I remember how it felt before and even though I am convinced that I'll be dead soon and want to self-harm, I've coached myself deep down to know that no, I'm not actually going to die, no matter how much I want to. Knowing that I will eventually snap out of it and have to spend months deal with the consequences can be a powerful thing.

There's good advice on this thread. Here's a list of more ways you can self-harm without having to deal with consequences, if it helps: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-harm-alternatives#harm-minimization. Maybe you could write out all of your worst thoughts on paper too, that way you feel like you're self-harming because you're letting bad thoughts take over you, but it can actually be a tool for you to reflect and grow from, or at least a creative outlet.