I received two bottles of N

[SubZero]

I thought I would use them right away however I am now looking at them and I am feeling relieved, scared and so not ready. Every day I want to die, each day my ear conditions worsen and are driving me to the edge. I have pain hyperacusis and tinnitus which are in their severe forms. The ones that does not allow you to go outside your house or do anything else except sit on the couch in silence and try to avoid worsening and setbacks. Today my cousin's yorkie barked next to me, even though I was wearing earmuffs my ear is in so much pain - nasty, stabbing, burning pain which goes down my throat, shoulder and it feels like someone is putting acid in an open wound in your ear.
I am a week away to loose my job because of this disability. In my country, hyperacusis and tinnitus are not even mentioned in the disability lists. I cry my eyes out everyday, I suffer the pain, I go to bed, I barely sleep because of the sounds I hear which have no analog in nature. They are hellish. I wake up and start suffering again. How much more can I take this?
I will not be able to do anything else except suffer till the end of my days. I will be unemployed not because I am dumb , I didn't graduate college and studied more to find my dream job, but because I am disabled. I am not going to find a wife and have kids. I barely smile anymore. Why am I even alive ? How long will I endure this until I grab the two bottles of N, pour them in a cup and drink them somewhere in the forest ?
I've been through a lot of shit with my health and dealt with it somehow, but this one just kills you while you are still alive. It is relentless. When you talk about it, people think you are mental. Whenever I ctb, I know people will blame my mental health. No people, no no. You just don't know how devastating ear issues can get. I did not know this either.
I am looking forward to the day I ctb. I just know it is a matter of time. I have the golden ticket in my hands.

 

[GentleJerk]

I really wish there was something I could do to help you, or take away this awful pain you are going through, it sounds dreadful. If I could, I would do that for you in a heartbeat.

It's a difficult situation to be in when you have been pushed beyond the limits of what you can endure, and others cannot see or fathom even a fraction of what you are facing each day. You don't need to prove anything to them, just do the best you can, and in your own heart know the true extent of how much you have faced.

At the very least, you can rest assured that there is only a certain limit to how bad things can get now. Best wishes to you, always.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful and unbearable what you are going through. I'm sorry that you have to endure that. It is horrifying that those health conditions even exist in the first place. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering in whatever happens.

 

[OldDrummer]

In my country, hyperacusis and tinnitus are not even mentioned in the disability lists. I cry my eyes out everyday, I suffer the pain, I go to bed, I barely sleep because of the sounds I hear which have no analog in nature. They are hellish. I wake up and start suffering again. How much more can I take this?

I'm the same. Need to beat my brains with alcohol every night because of the Tinnitus. I wouldn't be CTB'ing or even drinking if this wasn't an issue, but you sound like you're in an even worse place, so my thoughts go out to you brother.

I get your pain, I understand it.

 

[SubZero]

Why am I not feeling ready then? Why am I such a coward to end this suffering? I understand this will be the hardest decision in my life but looking at my situation should also be the easiest? How can I just die without SI messing me up. I know I don't have anything to live for yet my mind still wants me alive and makes me scared of death.

 

[Al_stargate]

I can't imagine your condition. I understand you don't want to ctb but your condition is pushing you to do it. I don't want to do it either, like most people I believe. It's incredibly difficult decision that even one suffering like you has a hard time making. I feel stuck in the same predicament, can't live but don't wanna die. If unsure, perhaps give it some time so things become more clear.

 

[wljourney]

Why am I not feeling ready then? Why am I such a coward to end this suffering? I understand this will be the hardest decision in my life but looking at my situation should also be the easiest? How can I just die without SI messing me up. I know I don't have anything to live for yet my mind still wants me alive and makes me scared of death.

You're not a coward. Not at all.
As you said: your instinct is getting in the way of your previously made, rational decision.
Being human means you have that natural instinct always pushing against CTB.
If you can, let your mind wander, sit with it, maybe write down the thoughts and look at them. IMO it's part of that journey we all are on.

 

[Istanbulite]

Yea, probably this will happen to me too. I will receive it, put it beside me, but will not drink it for years to come.

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

Why am I not feeling ready then? Why am I such a coward to end this suffering? I understand this will be the hardest decision in my life but looking at my situation should also be the easiest? How can I just die without SI messing me up. I know I don't have anything to live for yet my mind still wants me alive and makes me scared of death.

You might need to lower your inhibitions manually. If you really want to die, you may have to manipulate those fears by say alcohol or some other substance that lowers your impulse control and inhibitions (but obviously plan everything out before doing that)

 

[SubZero]

I can try manipulating my fears , however I didn't know if alcohol will be good using with N indeed. Thats what I am worried about.

Every day i wake up, wonder why am I still alive, the ear pain is there, even more severe, I cant go further than my backyard. I know there is no point and ctb is inevitable, I juat want to end this but did not know how hard it can be. I guess having a nice life before that is making it even harder.

 

[RN12]

Why am I not feeling ready then? Why am I such a coward to end this suffering? I understand this will be the hardest decision in my life but looking at my situation should also be the easiest? How can I just die without SI messing me up. I know I don't have anything to live for yet my mind still wants me alive and makes me scared of death.

i guess it's still some tiny bit of hope left deep down there.

Just like me

Every day i wake up, wonder why am I still alive, the ear pain is there, even more severe, I cant go further than my backyard. I know there is no point and ctb is inevitable, I juat want to end this but did not know how hard it can be. I guess having a nice life before that is making it even harder.

same, but different condition. Still have tiny little hope

 

[asb13]

I thought I would use them right away however I am now looking at them and I am feeling relieved, scared and so not ready. Every day I want to die, each day my ear conditions worsen and are driving me to the edge. I have pain hyperacusis and tinnitus which are in their severe forms. The ones that does not allow you to go outside your house or do anything else except sit on the couch in silence and try to avoid worsening and setbacks. Today my cousin's yorkie barked next to me, even though I was wearing earmuffs my ear is in so much pain - nasty, stabbing, burning pain which goes down my throat, shoulder and it feels like someone is putting acid in an open wound in your ear.
I am a week away to loose my job because of this disability. In my country, hyperacusis and tinnitus are not even mentioned in the disability lists. I cry my eyes out everyday, I suffer the pain, I go to bed, I barely sleep because of the sounds I hear which have no analog in nature. They are hellish. I wake up and start suffering again. How much more can I take this?
I will not be able to do anything else except suffer till the end of my days. I will be unemployed not because I am dumb , I didn't graduate college and studied more to find my dream job, but because I am disabled. I am not going to find a wife and have kids. I barely smile anymore. Why am I even alive ? How long will I endure this until I grab the two bottles of N, pour them in a cup and drink them somewhere in the forest ?
I've been through a lot of shit with my health and dealt with it somehow, but this one just kills you while you are still alive. It is relentless. When you talk about it, people think you are mental. Whenever I ctb, I know people will blame my mental health. No people, no no. You just don't know how devastating ear issues can get. I did not know this either.
I am looking forward to the day I ctb. I just know it is a matter of time. I have the golden ticket in my hands.

Where did you get the SN from?

Where did you get the SN from?

Oh or is it N? Where did you get it? I need so badly!

 

[Pluto]

What you are going through sounds truly awful. Wish there was a way you could dump all your pain on me and be free.

My bottles of N from D have been such a godsend lately. I have felt chaotic, spiraling into mayhem, losing control with a brain that seems to be calling it quits. Just knowing I have my N there no matter what has brought me one single nugget of stability and hope. In a way, it doesn't matter how bad things get because I am not trapped at the whim of life's unmoderated cruelty. I could almost write a love song for my bottles of N. (As some else did recently.)

 

[Theanswer]

You're not a coward. Not at all.
As you said: your instinct is getting in the way of your previously made, rational decision.
Being human means you have that natural instinct always pushing against CTB.
If you can, let your mind wander, sit with it, maybe write down the thoughts and look at them. IMO it's part of that journey we all are on.

This is helpful, thanks

 

[Euthanza]

This is helpful, thanks

Yes, I also write down all my pros and cons of life and death, not necessarily a suicide note for others to read while I'm no longer here, nor it need explanation, it's just some highlights of things I value in my life, I classified them in to 2 types: internal and external, in order I can see my self more clear and able to make reasonable/rational decision; this one is biggest decision to end your own life.

However, congratulations that you have the golden ticket with you; Take your time as much you want to make all other conditions ready before CTB. I think what's important in the end of life is what you wish for; You are free.