I really wish I didn't have to do this

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

I truly wish I could've kept living because I do have family and friends that care about me, but my injury has taken a core part of me and I've come to realize I function like a circuit: if one part of it is broken, the entire thing won't work. Sure, things break sometimes and have to be rewired, but this can't be rewired and they don't produce the part anymore. I really want to stick around for my friends because I have these moments of happiness with them, but I know I can't handle the rest of life. And going to school, getting a job and getting through life just to talk with them on Discord or occasionally visit them (which to be clear, is a perfectly valid life if that works for you) just isn't realistic. It's not strong enough to make me bear life and it's challenges. If I could just hangout with them all day every day, maybe I could keep going even though I'll still feel incomplete for different reasons, but that's just not realistic.

I understand that most of life is just coping, that's how it is and that doesn't change no matter who you are (albeit it can be more difficult for some due to a chemical-imbalance in the brain, life circumstances, etc.). But, and I feel like a child for saying this, I just... don't want to do that? Like, ok, life is mostly coping and realistically sucks and you just have to look forward to and soak in the good moments, but... I just don't like that. I... I fundamentally don't like the way life works. I NEVER have. I have thought this since I was a kid and I thought it was just a matter of accepting that fact, but something about it is deeply unsettling for me. It twists my stomach and makes my heart sink that this is reality. That all these horrible things can happen to me and others and that we just have to learn to cope to get through life because death isn't an option, even though we all die in the end anyways. I'm not saying life should work differently or bend to my will or that people who do accept life the way it is are wrong, I'm saying that I just don't want to be a part of it.

Sorry for the rant

 

[Forever Sleep]

It seems fair to me. I feel similarly, minus the socialising with friends bit. I suppose it's like: It's fine if others are happy to accept the reality of living and all it entails. All the upkeep it needs- constantly working pretty much. But, why should we just accept it, if we're really miserable because of it? Especially when it can be so difficult to change. It almost seems inevitable we will want to quit it, if we can't meanigfully change it.

I suppose I'd go further to say I think it's morally wrong to dump someone in this situation/ experience and, expect them to thrive and be grareful for it. Some will of course. But, we're beings with unique perspectives. Unique problems too. We can't all live to someone else's perpective and expectations necessarily.