Venting I really need to go tonight....

[WorthlessTrash]

Please make sure to read the entire post, and understand that I am aware of all of my "options" and have dismissed them for my own reasons, and won't reconsider before even trying to offer me a slither of hope! CTB is on my mind and I am locked on it. SN in hand, suicide note written out and my bank account empty. Guilt aside, I have no more ties to staying alive!

For the sake of my family and not ruining the holidays, I was going to try to hold out until the end of the year, but I cannot stand handle this much more. I nearly had an anxiety attack just ruminating about the life that I COULD have had, but cannot since I got the short end of the stick at birth... Actually, that's the whole fucking problem! Life GAVE me a stick at birth.... I cannot handle this dysphoria. It really fucking sucks. And the fact that the only treatment that is available in which it "could" get me remotely close to being what I want to be is transitioning, and even the results of that is dubious at best, and there are several reasons why I won't even consider it.

I have literally ZERO interest in doing things. A few years ago, despite my increasing self hate, I was working on losing weight all the while relatively succeeding at being competitive in one of my hobbies. The purpose of losing weight was to attract a relationship, which never panned out, but wasn't the reason I eventually gave up. When my dysphoria festered in May of 2021, I just gave up on it, and I gradually lost interest in my hobby, even to the point where I skipped out on the 2022 National championship for it (an event where I worked so hard to qualify for). Part of the reason why I can't even feel motivated to play anymore is because attractive women DO take part in my hobby as well. I am just reminded of what could have been if I was born the correct sex...but atlas I was not.

There is no point in losing weight, or even living anymore. I don't desire sex/romance, and I have no motivation to even play my hobby. I don't even want to exist where the sexuality of women is thrown in my face via TV, social media, and even women just having body positivity. I can't have body positivity because I am physically revolted being male. I don't blame them for flaunting their sexuality because I would do the same if I was them. I would be proud of how I looked, too. I am just incredibly bitter and resentful because I cannot play the same "game" as them. Can't even enjoy my favorite genre of music because it triggers me as well. This is not a life worth living.

Back in 2014, I had a relationship that briefly mitigated the dysphoria, BUT I broke it off with her because of some stupid reason. However, it was for the best. I have no doubt that even if it lasted for years after, it would have had to end. I would have eventually became very jealous and resentful towards her, and I am glad I won't be able to be in a position where I have to. My dysphoria and envy consumes me, and death is my only respite from it.

I am just a 400 lbs dysphoric male DyCel that can only ruminate about what could have been, and that simply is NOT good enough. I missed the ability to grow up female start to finish, to enter womanhood, to have pretty privilage, to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of my appearance. Instead, I am stuck in a meat prison full of testosterone.
I know it may come off as insensitive from me, but I am envious of the attractive AFABs, even ones that CTB or are depressed. If not for their mental illness, trauma and other unfortunate circumstances, they'd be very fortunate to have won the genetic and biological lottery. I want their privilage of having an appearance worth caring about, an appearance that's so customizable and beautiful, and the privilage of not having to be sickened by my body... On top of being grossed out by the male body, being male is just so fucking boring to me. I know some people will disagree with what I said about being an attractive woman, BUT it's honestly how I feel.

Things are so hopeless and living in this body is so pointless, they can't get better, and there's just no point in sticking around to cope. I really want to CTB tonight and I hope by some miracle I pass away, BUT it might not happen. All I know is I need out ASAP!!

Thanks for reading this useless rant. Like it, hate it, agree with me, disagree with me, it no longer matters. I hopefully won't be here much longer to burden anyone...

 

[Bengal]

It's not a useless rant. It's how you feel. Biology screwed me over in a completely different way. I was born receiving an unfortunate combination of genes that impact my bodies ability to detox. I was always a sickly kid but lived a normal life until I lived in a black mold infested house in college. 15 years later and my body still shows high levels of mycotoxins and MRI's show that my brain is swollen bc of it. The neuroinflammation impacts my bodies entire nervous system.

People might have their own views on what you're dealing with but they haven't lived your life or know what it's like to be you. I am a microbiology major and was in dental school when my health began really failing me.

It amazes me the we all recognize that biology can simply just "make mistakes" regarding the rest of the body. But when it comes to the brain, like in your case, I would feel extremely arrogant dismissing the idea that a person can be born with the brain of the wrong gender.

Good luck and I hope you suffering ends through whatever path you choose

 

[Teddybear]

I think you burden yourself with the expectations of others. I can not suggest anything to you that your conscious mind wouldn't outright reject. But as far as "feeling female in a male body" is concerned - why not?

Appart from a few religious holdouts, almost all of Europe and most of America are *rapidly* dispatching the binary gender model of our species to the ash heaps of cultural history.

Regardless of anyone's personal thoughts on the matter, "living female with a male body" is now the law of the land in many places.

Its your choice to try it or not. But I assure you that getting rid of false shame makes the burden of life a whole lot easier to carry.

 

[princess-oph]

Your presence isn't a burden. And your vent is valid. I don't think it is too late to enter womanhood but that is up to you.

No matter what choice you make tonight i wish you the best <3

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I think you burden yourself with the expectations of others. I can not suggest anything to you that your conscious mind wouldn't outright reject. But as far as "feeling female in a male body" is concerned - why not?

several points in the entire post (and I have been vocal about the same reasons in the chat as you might be aware) demonstarte the reason why:

"I can't have body positivity because I am physically revolted being male"

"the privilage of not having to be sickened by my body..."

"On top of being grossed out by the male body"

Also, several cases of dysphoric MTF fully transitioning (even though I myself would rather CTB, I can see why they would) prove that for them being in the male body is incredibly undesirable.

Also as mentioned in the post, this isn't JUST about the expectations of others, BUT a matter of being comfortable in a body that does not sicken me.

 

[Winterreise]

ADHD drugs like decamphetamine reduce hunger and will take care of the weight.

Wellbutrin also reduces appetite which is why they are not prescribed to people with anorexia nervosa

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Your presence isn't a burden. And your vent is valid. I don't think it is too late to enter womanhood but that is up to you.

No matter what choice you make tonight i wish you the best <3

Well I am in my 30s so the best years of being a woman is usually around the 20s, so that ship has sailed, even if I was to believe that transitioning was a good choice. By the time, I fully transition (bottom surgery, vocal cords surgery, facial femiization surgery, etc), I'd be in my 40s, which is around the time I'd CTB anyways since growing old is not appealing to me in the least. All that surgery and money spent just to CTB anyways when all is said and done makes it not worth it.

Then there's the issue of not passing because I don't even have the money for every surgery needed to have a decent chance at passing (Passing is important to me because I dont want to look in the mirror and see male features staring back at me, otherwise that'd defeat the purpose of wanting to be female in the first place), not to mention the gross scarring on the nether regions (scarring is gross to me, thus deters me from self harming). It just simply isn't an effective idea for me :/

 

[Winterreise]

It is recommended to loose as much weight as possible before HRT, because fat relocation is slow.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

ADHD drugs like decamphetamine reduce hunger and will take care of the weight.

Wellbutrin also reduces appetite which is why they are not prescribed to people with anorexia nervosa

The weight isn't the problem since I don't care of my body in it's current state. I mentioned my weight in this rant to demonstrate how much I hate my body in general, thus have no motivation to even take care of it.

It is recommended to loose as much weight as possible before HRT, because fat relocation is slow.

Who said I was going to do HRT???? Did you read the entire rant?

 

[Winterreise]

Men like women in all ages, sizes , figures.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

It's not a useless rant. It's how you feel. Biology screwed me over in a completely different way. I was born receiving an unfortunate combination of genes that impact my bodies ability to detox. I was always a sickly kid but lived a normal life until I lived in a black mold infested house in college. 15 years later and my body still shows high levels of mycotoxins and MRI's show that my brain is swollen bc of it. The neuroinflammation impacts my bodies entire nervous system.

People might have their own views on what you're dealing with but they haven't lived your life or know what it's like to be you. I am a microbiology major and was in dental school when my health began really failing me.

It amazes me the we all recognize that biology can simply just "make mistakes" regarding the rest of the body. But when it comes to the brain, like in your case, I would feel extremely arrogant dismissing the idea that a person can be born with the brain of the wrong gender.

Good luck and I hope you suffering ends through whatever path you choose

That's the problem. Everyone thinks they can just simplify our problems with solutions that we know won't work when they don't have to deal with the problems in the first place.

Men like women in all ages, sizes , figures.

Please stop. I am not transitioning, which you should already know based on your time in the chat with me, and I also don't like men based on my rant and again, your time in the chat with me....

 

[Winterreise]

It will be very sad to see you go. Like it is to see anyone go. But if so, Iet me give you one last hug.

 

[Rockman]

Dysphoria in most cases is a far-reaching defense mechanism. You had to live through the war at home in terms of gender and their hurtful stereotypes. Continuum "What happens doesn't happen to me and my body." A very popular sport in a narcissistic household.
You could do simply anthing to just jump away from all this trauma.
It's possible to get to the truth and your self, identity disorders come from fucked up roles in the family.
The worst thing is that there is a trend for 'glory trans' now, but no one is looking for the real reasons for this condition. A gold piggy bank for a therapist from poor people. Someone knew how to make a good business out of it.
I wish you to come to a state of freedom from the sick pressure. Just be yourself.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Dysphoria in most cases is a far-reaching defense mechanism. You had to live through the war at home in terms of gender and their hurtful stereotypes. Continuum "What happens doesn't happen to me and my body." A very popular sport in a narcissistic household.
You could do simply anthing to just jump away from all this trauma.
It's possible to get to the truth and your self, identity disorders come from fucked up roles in the family.
The worst thing is that there is a trend for 'glory trans' now, but no one is looking for the real reasons for this condition. A gold piggy bank for a therapist from poor people. Someone knew how to make a good business out of it.
I wish you to come to a state of freedom from the sick pressure. Just be yourself.

For me, its about my disgust towards the male body. I don't like the genitials or any aspect of being male. I'd much rather be a (cis) petite, feminie female that is attractive. It is seems better in today's climate, that is for sure.

There is no pressure for me to transition, because I do not intend to do so. I am opting to CTB instead.

 

[Teddybear]

...
Also as mentioned in the post, this isn't JUST about the expectations of others, BUT a matter of being comfortable in a body that does not sicken me.

Why should your own body sicken you, lest you were taught by others to think that way?!

Maybe the refusal to accept that it is not "natural" to despise oneself is part of your condition. But I know that I wouldn't be calling myself the N-word alone in the bathroom, if my classmates, teachers and elders hadn't done so all day long during my childhood.

I know its useless to try and convince you that being gay, trans, lesbo or all three together in whatever body is neither "wrong" nor "faulty" in times when entire languages are being rewritten to please any sexual configuration imanigable under the sun.

If you hate yourself you hate yourself - who would know that better than I do? But please don't try to rationalize it by making it sound like its the most logical thing to do. Because nothing about hate is "rational" or "logical".

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Why should your own body sicken you, lest you were taught by others to think that way?!

Maybe the refusal to accept that it is not "natural" to despise oneself is part of your condition. But I know that I wouldn't be calling myself the N-word alone in the bathroom, if my classmates, teachers and elders hadn't done so all day long during my childhood.

I know its useless to try and convince you that being gay, trans, lesbo or all three together in whatever body is neither "wrong" nor "faulty" in times when entire languages are being rewritten to please any sexual configuration imanigable under the sun.

If you hate yourself you hate yourself - who would know that better than I do? But please don't try to rationalize it by making it sound like its the most logical thing to do. Because nothing about hate is "rational" or "logical".

I find dicks and testicles and the male body as a whole to be gross, because that is how I genuinely feel. That is what it comes down to.

Quite the contrary, I have had a therapist, as well as several members on here try to tell me that the male body is not gross. Not taught to feel that, I just realized on my own that dicks and testicles are ugly and gross to me. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I'm sorry that people are ignoring what you said. I'm having one of "those" days and unclear on whether you are going to try to CTB tonight or wait until after the holidays. Regardless, I am very sorry about your suffering.

 

[Teddybear]

I find dicks and testicles and the male body as a whole to be gross, because that is how I genuinely feel. That is what it comes down to.

... I just realized on my own that dicks and testicles are ugly and gross to me. Nothing wrong with that.

I can assure you that most women find dicks quite attractive and even lesbians are not generally appalled by them. Quite the contrary, Lesbos are the most fervent buyers of artificial dicks.

But I doubt there is *anything* I could tell you that would convince you that finding "dicks appalling" outside of a monastery makes life unneccessary complicated - to say the least.

You hate yourself and you project that self-hate on certain parts of your body, so as if they'd go away the problem would go away. But for your own reasons you don't want surgery either.

Me, I could have - and probably should have - gone to Africa after I had to leave the States. But my father's country is a war torn mess and I am a softass coward, who likes fresh air instead of bullets flying in through the windows.

I won't push you on this subject any longer, because we both nailed ourselves to a spot on the tracks, were the train of life is gonna run through us - sooner or later.

 

[SpiroSundae]

Hey love. I'm so sorry. It's gonna be really sad to see you go

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I can assure you that most women find dicks quite attractive and even lesbians are not generally appalled by them. Quite the contrary, Lesbos are the most fervent buyers of artificial dicks.

But I doubt there is *anything* I could tell you that would convince you that finding "dicks appalling" outside of a monastery makes life unneccessary complicated - to say the least.

You hate yourself and you project that self-hate on certain parts of your body, so as if they'd go away the problem would go away. But for your own reasons you don't want surgery either.

Me, I could have - and probably should have - gone to Africa after I had to leave the States. But my father's country is a war torn mess and I am a softass coward, who likes fresh air instead of bullets flying in through the windows.

I won't push you on this subject any longer, because we both nailed ourselves to a spot on the tracks, were the train of life is gonna run through us - sooner or later.

My hatred towards the male body is not dependent on how other women see them. I am not even sure how women finding dicks attractive is relevant at all? I am allowed to dislike the male body and find it ugly. Also, there's a huge difference between real dicks and sex toys (which are the "artificial" dicks you are referring to I assume). Lesbian women use them for a sense of pleasure and penetration sex, not because they are actually attracted to "dicks". If they were, they wouldn't be lesbians..... Also, artificial dicks are what trans men have post transition. Dildos and strap ons are just sex toys. This is sasu's sex ed lesson for the day.

You're only saying it makes life unnecessarily complicated because it is part of the source to my depression and causing me dysphoria, but I am allowed to hate the male body. It simply isn't beautiful to me, it's quite ugly.

My refusal to get an operation is simply because (and I really didn't want to have to once again go over the list of reasons, but here we go):
1. I find scarring gross
2. I wanted to have been a female start to finish. Starting in my 30s when I am 10 years away from when I would have CTB'd anyways is entirely pointless
3. I would not likely pass, because I cannot afford all of the important surgeries (bottom surgery, facial femininization surgery, vocal cord surgery etc.) And as mentioned, my own self image is a big reason why I hate being a male, and it wouldn't be much better as a trans woman who doesn't pass.
4. These invasive procedures take 5 years. I can't even bare being alive day by day. I am sure as heck not willing to spend another 1000+ days alive for a result that is dubious at best.

I hate myself because I am a male and not cis female. I hate the way I look and I hate all of my sexual characteristics as well as my body in it;s entirety. I hate being male. I would much rather be AFAB, and since I am not, I am opting to CTB.

I just felt the need to reply because some of the things you said needed to be addressed, but we seem to need to agree to disagree. At the end of the day, only I know why I feel the way I do.

I'm sorry that people are ignoring what you said. I'm having one of "those" days and unclear on whether you are going to try to CTB tonight or wait until after the holidays. Regardless, I am very sorry about your suffering.

I want to CTB tonight, and I haven't ruled it out. I don't see anything to gain from waiting until after the holidays. The holidays don't even matter to me since I just have no interest or care for anything. The only reason to wait until after the holidays is to not ruin Christmas for my mother and sister, but there is no net gain in continuing to suffer for them. I really just want out as soon as I can.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I read it all. As such I can only offer my commiseration. I feel the way you described but with autism. I'm also not entirely a cis male and detest being male and would have preferred to be female, though I think in that particular respect it's much more painful and tough for you. I understand your aversion to transitioning. I don't think I could accept (just talking for myself) anything less than 100%.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I read it all. As such I can only offer my commiseration. I feel the way you described but with autism. I'm also not entirely a cis male and detest being male and would have preferred to be female, though I think in that particular respect it's much more painful and tough for you. I understand your aversion to transitioning. I don't think I could accept (just talking for myself) anything less than 100%.

That is exactly it. It's 100% or nothing. I don't want a surgically or chemically altered female body. I want a natural one. Other people may be okay with it, but not me.

 

[Doom]

i hate my body too and i understand why you don't want to go through the surgical process, it's something extremely painful and mentally draining and in the end the chances of you being disappointed with the results are great. Life sucks, we don't choose anything about ourselves, our body, name, gender, family, illnesses. Even our personality and intelligence is decided by factors, there is no free will, there is no merit. In a world like this, suicide is the only decision that really makes sense.

 

[SamTam33]

Two things.

I have tried with all my might to delay the resentment you alluded to. For you, it's pretty, petite women. For me, it's white people: men, women, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful.

In America, they trump me no matter what.

Everyone - all races - face similar struggles, but for Caucasian people those struggles aren't BECAUSE THEY'RE WHITE.

It drives me crazy and I'm losing the tug-of-war. I'm being swallowed alive by that resentment.

The other thing is what you said about the male genitalia. I won't lie, I laughed out loud.

Dude... I have always thought penises were UGLY AF. It's this wiggly thing, hanging off you, smack dab in the middle of your body. It wiggles and has additional jangly bits in the form of balls. Balls with hair!

Imagine if boobs moved up and down with blood flow and they had two hairy orbs attached to the underside... Straight out of a horror movie.

NOTE: I apologize for this post. This is what happens when I stay up all night drinking and eating CBD gummies.

 

[noaccount]

Hey I'm so sorry this is happening :(

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Two things.

I have tried with all my might to delay the resentment you alluded to. For you, it's pretty, petite women. For me, it's white people: men, women, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful.

In America, they trump me no matter what.

Everyone - all races - face similar struggles, but for Caucasian people those struggles aren't BECAUSE THEY'RE WHITE.

It drives me crazy and I'm losing the tug-of-war. I'm being swallowed alive by that resentment.

The other thing is what you said about the male genitalia. I won't lie, I laughed out loud.

Dude... I have always thought penises were UGLY AF. It's this wiggly thing, hanging off you, smack dab in the middle of your body. It wiggles and has additional jangly bits in the form of balls. Balls with hair!

Imagine if boobs moved up and down with blood flow and they had two hairy orbs attached to the underside... Straight out of a horror movie.

NOTE: I apologize for this post. This is what happens when I stay up all night drinking and eating CBD gummies.

and I won't lie. That bit about the penises and shit made me chuckle!

I am a white male, but I hate it. If I had my way, I'd have been a Korean female. However, I'd settle for being an AFAB of any ethnicity at this point.

Hey I'm so sorry this is happening :(

Thank you so much for the kind words <3

i hate my body too and i understand why you don't want to go through the surgical process, it's something extremely painful and mentally draining and in the end the chances of you being disappointed with the results are great. Life sucks, we don't choose anything about ourselves, our body, name, gender, family, illnesses. Even our personality and intelligence is decided by factors, there is no free will, there is no merit. In a world like this, suicide is the only decision that really makes sense.

I am sorry you feel the way you do :( I wish I had something more insightful to say :(

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that people are always invalidating and dismissing your suffering on here, they are so insensitive as you clearly stated that you don't want to hear that and you are certain about ctb. Life really is such a cruel, terrible concept and there really is nothing fair about this life in any way. It really sounds like you have suffered so much in life so I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[eveparis]

Hey, I see you and your suffering ❤

First, thanks for the sex ed moment because I am a gay woman and that was really necessary.


And, did you have tried to speak With you mother and sister? Silence is the worst to live behind. At least They will understand Your reasons to ctb.

I hope that you will Find the peace you deserve. I m so sorry that you are considering Ctb. It's sometimes Really hard to live when you are queer.

Love and support

 

[GasMonkey]

See you on the Other Side.

 

[Thisisntitdawg]

Please make sure to read the entire post, and understand that I am aware of all of my "options" and have dismissed them for my own reasons, and won't reconsider before even trying to offer me a slither of hope! CTB is on my mind and I am locked on it. SN in hand, suicide note written out and my bank account empty. Guilt aside, I have no more ties to staying alive!

For the sake of my family and not ruining the holidays, I was going to try to hold out until the end of the year, but I cannot stand handle this much more. I nearly had an anxiety attack just ruminating about the life that I COULD have had, but cannot since I got the short end of the stick at birth... Actually, that's the whole fucking problem! Life GAVE me a stick at birth.... I cannot handle this dysphoria. It really fucking sucks. And the fact that the only treatment that is available in which it "could" get me remotely close to being what I want to be is transitioning, and even the results of that is dubious at best, and there are several reasons why I won't even consider it.

I have literally ZERO interest in doing things. A few years ago, despite my increasing self hate, I was working on losing weight all the while relatively succeeding at being competitive in one of my hobbies. The purpose of losing weight was to attract a relationship, which never panned out, but wasn't the reason I eventually gave up. When my dysphoria festered in May of 2021, I just gave up on it, and I gradually lost interest in my hobby, even to the point where I skipped out on the 2022 National championship for it (an event where I worked so hard to qualify for). Part of the reason why I can't even feel motivated to play anymore is because attractive women DO take part in my hobby as well. I am just reminded of what could have been if I was born the correct sex...but atlas I was not.

There is no point in losing weight, or even living anymore. I don't desire sex/romance, and I have no motivation to even play my hobby. I don't even want to exist where the sexuality of women is thrown in my face via TV, social media, and even women just having body positivity. I can't have body positivity because I am physically revolted being male. I don't blame them for flaunting their sexuality because I would do the same if I was them. I would be proud of how I looked, too. I am just incredibly bitter and resentful because I cannot play the same "game" as them. Can't even enjoy my favorite genre of music because it triggers me as well. This is not a life worth living.

Back in 2014, I had a relationship that briefly mitigated the dysphoria, BUT I broke it off with her because of some stupid reason. However, it was for the best. I have no doubt that even if it lasted for years after, it would have had to end. I would have eventually became very jealous and resentful towards her, and I am glad I won't be able to be in a position where I have to. My dysphoria and envy consumes me, and death is my only respite from it.

I am just a 400 lbs dysphoric male DyCel that can only ruminate about what could have been, and that simply is NOT good enough. I missed the ability to grow up female start to finish, to enter womanhood, to have pretty privilage, to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of my appearance. Instead, I am stuck in a meat prison full of testosterone.
I know it may come off as insensitive from me, but I am envious of the attractive AFABs, even ones that CTB or are depressed. If not for their mental illness, trauma and other unfortunate circumstances, they'd be very fortunate to have won the genetic and biological lottery. I want their privilage of having an appearance worth caring about, an appearance that's so customizable and beautiful, and the privilage of not having to be sickened by my body... On top of being grossed out by the male body, being male is just so fucking boring to me. I know some people will disagree with what I said about being an attractive woman, BUT it's honestly how I feel.

Things are so hopeless and living in this body is so pointless, they can't get better, and there's just no point in sticking around to cope. I really want to CTB tonight and I hope by some miracle I pass away, BUT it might not happen. All I know is I need out ASAP!!

Thanks for reading this useless rant. Like it, hate it, agree with me, disagree with me, it no longer matters. I hopefully won't be here much longer to burden anyone...

Hi DeathDueToDysphoria I want you to know that you are not a burden. You are a wonderful human being. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, I know everything seems hopeless but I promise you that it'll eventually pass. Your family loves you and wants to spend the holidays with you, and it seems that part of you wants to be with them as well. Hold on for their sake. I'm not on often but dm me if you want to talk :)