Venting I really need to go tonight....

[NoLightRemains]

Sorry you are suffering with this. I also struggled with gender dysphoria my whole life, but it became exceptionally bad during puberty as my body became further and further apart than what I wanted. Transition did help ease the pain of my body dysphoria, but the social backlash/issues left me very traumatized even if I am mostly passing. Even with all the effort I've put in over the last ~15 years and I still get some dysphoria, mostly about my voice.

I understand why you don't want to go through all that effort just to not be satisfied with the end result. I wouldn't wish dysphoria on anyone.

 

[Pluto]

I'm sorry it has gotten to this point. The fact that you are in your 30s means you've already suffered with this for a long time.

Even though some major details differ, I relate to everything you say. Some combination of social anxiety, less-than-ideal genes, a lowly caste and a weird background no one can relate to make I feel excluded from the whole world of normal people interacting and living out their lives.

Ageing is a real equaliser, too, since everyone would agree at some point that their body is an unbearable burden. I often feel absolute agony just watching normal people living life and knowing that I am some sort of freak who can never be loved. Often the only solution is to shut myself away so I don't have to see people at all. Now I'm in my 40s.

I wish I had an answer. Some would say that the mind is the ultimate problem and our situations are a kind of thought disorder, but in my case, I am not going to use this logic to justify pushing on if that pain is there in practice. I am trying this angle because it has transformed some people, but otherwise, don't know how long I have left.

Your presence will be missed if you proceed, but either way, your pain is heard and understood here.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Hi DeathDueToDysphoria I want you to know that you are not a burden. You are a wonderful human being. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, I know everything seems hopeless but I promise you that it'll eventually pass. Your family loves you and wants to spend the holidays with you, and it seems that part of you wants to be with them as well. Hold on for their sake. I'm not on often but dm me if you want to talk :)

I'm sorry but dysphoria does not pass. What drugs are you on? Get out of here, pro lifer.

Hey, I see you and your suffering ❤

First, thanks for the sex ed moment because I am a gay woman and that was really necessary.


And, did you have tried to speak With you mother and sister? Silence is the worst to live behind. At least They will understand Your reasons to ctb.

I hope that you will Find the peace you deserve. I m so sorry that you are considering Ctb. It's sometimes Really hard to live when you are queer.

Love and support

Hello, thank you for the kind words.

I hope my comment about lesbian women wasn't out of line. I am (unfortunately) not one, but I hope I did not get it wrong in response to TeddyBear.

My sister does not know about my dysphoria or intent to commit suicide, and she has depression issues of her own as she has been in inpatient 18 times in the last 3 years. Interestingly enough, she has an AFAB friend who transitioned into being male, but I hold contempt for them as they basically threw away what I would have killed to have (Been born as an AFAB), as insensitive as this sounds. My mom more or less knows I suffer from dysphoria and that I want to CTB, but I do not believe they grasp how horrible it is to have dysphoria.

I wouldn't mind living as queer if I was born AFAB. I know that if I was AFAB, I would only be interested in women. Unfortunately, it didn't happen :(

I read through your thread you made earlier, and I am very sorry for your loss <3

Sorry you are suffering with this. I also struggled with gender dysphoria my whole life, but it became exceptionally bad during puberty as my body became further and further apart than what I wanted. Transition did help ease the pain of my body dysphoria, but the social backlash/issues left me very traumatized even if I am mostly passing. Even with all the effort I've put in over the last ~15 years and I still get some dysphoria, mostly about my voice.

I understand why you don't want to go through all that effort just to not be satisfied with the end result. I wouldn't wish dysphoria on anyone.

I am sorry you went through dysphoria. Is that the reason why you are on this site?

I'm sorry it has gotten to this point. The fact that you are in your 30s means you've already suffered with this for a long time.

Even though some major details differ, I relate to everything you say. Some combination of social anxiety, less-than-ideal genes, a lowly caste and a weird background no one can relate to make I feel excluded from the whole world of normal people interacting and living out their lives.

Ageing is a real equaliser, too, since everyone would agree at some point that their body is an unbearable burden. I often feel absolute agony just watching normal people living life and knowing that I am some sort of freak who can never be loved. Often the only solution is to shut myself away so I don't have to see people at all. Now I'm in my 40s.

I wish I had an answer. Some would say that the mind is the ultimate problem and our situations are a kind of thought disorder, but in my case, I am not going to use this logic to justify pushing on if that pain is there in practice. I am trying this angle because it has transformed some people, but otherwise, don't know how long I have left.

Your presence will be missed if you proceed, but either way, your pain is heard and understood here.

Thank you for the words. You have make a lot of good contributions to this site, and I am also sorry you suffer as well :(

See you on the Other Side.

Likewise <3

Personally hope that reincarnation is real so I can be born the correct way next time around.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Per ardua ad astra

 

[makethepainstop]

Please make sure to read the entire post, and understand that I am aware of all of my "options" and have dismissed them for my own reasons, and won't reconsider before even trying to offer me a slither of hope! CTB is on my mind and I am locked on it. SN in hand, suicide note written out and my bank account empty. Guilt aside, I have no more ties to staying alive!

For the sake of my family and not ruining the holidays, I was going to try to hold out until the end of the year, but I cannot stand handle this much more. I nearly had an anxiety attack just ruminating about the life that I COULD have had, but cannot since I got the short end of the stick at birth... Actually, that's the whole fucking problem! Life GAVE me a stick at birth.... I cannot handle this dysphoria. It really fucking sucks. And the fact that the only treatment that is available in which it "could" get me remotely close to being what I want to be is transitioning, and even the results of that is dubious at best, and there are several reasons why I won't even consider it.

I have literally ZERO interest in doing things. A few years ago, despite my increasing self hate, I was working on losing weight all the while relatively succeeding at being competitive in one of my hobbies. The purpose of losing weight was to attract a relationship, which never panned out, but wasn't the reason I eventually gave up. When my dysphoria festered in May of 2021, I just gave up on it, and I gradually lost interest in my hobby, even to the point where I skipped out on the 2022 National championship for it (an event where I worked so hard to qualify for). Part of the reason why I can't even feel motivated to play anymore is because attractive women DO take part in my hobby as well. I am just reminded of what could have been if I was born the correct sex...but atlas I was not.

There is no point in losing weight, or even living anymore. I don't desire sex/romance, and I have no motivation to even play my hobby. I don't even want to exist where the sexuality of women is thrown in my face via TV, social media, and even women just having body positivity. I can't have body positivity because I am physically revolted being male. I don't blame them for flaunting their sexuality because I would do the same if I was them. I would be proud of how I looked, too. I am just incredibly bitter and resentful because I cannot play the same "game" as them. Can't even enjoy my favorite genre of music because it triggers me as well. This is not a life worth living.

Back in 2014, I had a relationship that briefly mitigated the dysphoria, BUT I broke it off with her because of some stupid reason. However, it was for the best. I have no doubt that even if it lasted for years after, it would have had to end. I would have eventually became very jealous and resentful towards her, and I am glad I won't be able to be in a position where I have to. My dysphoria and envy consumes me, and death is my only respite from it.

I am just a 400 lbs dysphoric male DyCel that can only ruminate about what could have been, and that simply is NOT good enough. I missed the ability to grow up female start to finish, to enter womanhood, to have pretty privilage, to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of my appearance. Instead, I am stuck in a meat prison full of testosterone.
I know it may come off as insensitive from me, but I am envious of the attractive AFABs, even ones that CTB or are depressed. If not for their mental illness, trauma and other unfortunate circumstances, they'd be very fortunate to have won the genetic and biological lottery. I want their privilage of having an appearance worth caring about, an appearance that's so customizable and beautiful, and the privilage of not having to be sickened by my body... On top of being grossed out by the male body, being male is just so fucking boring to me. I know some people will disagree with what I said about being an attractive woman, BUT it's honestly how I feel.

Things are so hopeless and living in this body is so pointless, they can't get better, and there's just no point in sticking around to cope. I really want to CTB tonight and I hope by some miracle I pass away, BUT it might not happen. All I know is I need out ASAP!!

Thanks for reading this useless rant. Like it, hate it, agree with me, disagree with me, it no longer matters. I hopefully won't be here much longer to burden anyone...

I know that hurting, I am not really happy about being an average size dude. I hate my size, hair, and eye color, I hate EVERYTHING in my life. I am right there with you but for different reasons. You will never hear me condemn another's free will choice. LOVE to you.

 

[blackwidow]

not a useless rant at all.. I very rarely manage to read a full post that's this long, but I read every word of yours. I wish I knew you, to talk to you, to spend endless hours ranting, venting or just chatting away the hours. You deserve that.. life has certainly dealt you a shit card. It's so unfair whatever you do just remember that I read every word.. I felt your pain.. I understood..

 

[makethepainstop]

not a useless rant at all.. I very rarely manage to read a full post that's this long, but I read every word of yours. I wish I knew you, to talk to you, to spend endless hours ranting, venting or just chatting away the hours. You deserve that.. life has certainly dealt you a shit card. It's so unfair whatever you do just remember that I read every word.. I felt your pain.. I understood..

Me too, me too!

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thank you for the kind words. An update, I am currently fasting and will hopefully make my attempt in a little over 12 hours. Trying to think of where outside to do it. I don't want to do it at home because I don't want family to find me, and I don't want to endanger my cats.

Though, there's always the chance that guilt or SI will kick in. I hope it does not happen, because I don't need any more needless suffering.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I am sorry you went through dysphoria. Is that the reason why you are on this site?

It's just one of the many reasons life has brought me here unfortunately. Best of luck to you with whatever you choose tonight.

 

[Bengal]

I find dicks and testicles and the male body as a whole to be gross, because that is how I genuinely feel. That is what it comes down to.

Quite the contrary, I have had a therapist, as well as several members on here try to tell me that the male body is not gross. Not taught to feel that, I just realized on my own that dicks and testicles are ugly and gross to me. Nothing wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong w anything you're saying imo. I hear u.

I know some people are giving advice that clearly counters the feelings you're expressing. But the one's I've read seem to come from people with good hearts that are just trying to help you "get better." The issue seems to be that you don't want that kind of help.

I'm 37 and have spent 15 years trying to get better. Dr's don't know how to get me better so this is kind of irrelevant, but I'm also not even sure I want to get better. My condition has done so much damage to my brain and body that I don't think I'd even like the "healthy version" of me that would be left of me at this point.

If you truly can't fathom a future where you can be happy w your life and body, I'm not going to try to make you feel better about your situation. Or tell u how I think u can improve it. There's nothing I can say about transitioning or any other factors here that you don't know more about than I do.

I don't wish death on anyone. But I also don't wish life on those who don't want it

Good luck

 

[mateodolores]

We've only briefly interacted, but I really appreciate you and I'm so sorry you have to suffer like this. I understand your pain, honestly. I don't want to transition, either. I want to be cis. I hate having a female body as much as you hate your male body and it sucks that a lot of the replies here just don't want to address that transitioning isn't always an option.

I hope you find your peace and if you go through with it, I hope you will be born as a beautiful cis woman in the next life. I'll also be going down that road soon. Hopefully, we get what we want.